AIBU upset my Year 1 child was left out of friend’s party?

[Mumofone121]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but I need advice so here it goes…

DS is in yr 1 and has been best friends with another boy on and off for the best part of 2 school years.

They have a close bond but different personalities. Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.
the other mum and I have generally been on the same page and understanding of each other although I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.
Recently, however, the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical and the other with words, mainly) but we have spoken about it and guide our kids as we see fit. This happened a few weeks ago but over the last few weeks they’ve gone back to playing with each other all the time at school.
I thought the mum and I were on the same page based on the chats we’ve had - that they will fight but at the end of the day they’re good friends and they’ll figure it out on their own.

I’ve recently found out that my kid is one of the few left out of his bf’s birthday party and this hurts and I feel protective of my kid. I’m questioning now whether I’ve misunderstood or if I’ve missed something. Personally, regardless of whatever was going on with the kids, I would never single out my son’s bf and leave him out of a party so I just don’t understand and find it hurtful.

any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?

Sorry, but when it’s your child being pushed around, you would feel the same, he’s old enough to know not to hit out

I do think you are minimising his behaviour. I have a child in year 1 and they are definitely old enough to understand not to push people.

There is actually a boy in my DCs class who I have seen push my DC a few times at an out of school club, I tell my DC not to play with him as he doesn’t seem like a nice boy and I know other parents have said the same. His parents seem to think he’s lovely and can’t do any wrong.

My DC was making a theoretical list of who was invited to their party (as it’s a few months away) they listed this boy and I’ve told them he is not coming. I imagine your son’s friends parents feel the same way.

I wouldn’t check in with mum about the party, it may have been she doesn’t have space or budget for more kids
however I would check in about the pushing. Say you’ve been having lots of chats with him about being gentle and a good friend and you haven’t heard any more from school, but just wanted to check in her end is her son ok /has he said anything else about your child or do they feel it’s resolved.

Well maybe when he is older he will learn some self control. It is not unfair it is just consequences for his behavior.

What consequences are there when he pushes? What do you say to him? Yes kids are learning to regulate but it is our job to teach them boundaries and empathy for other people.

There is a kid in my child’s nursery like that, he is 3! The other 3 & 4 year olds know his behaviour is wrong and talk about how he needs to learn it’s not nice to push. If your kid doesn’t learn he will be missing more than one birthday in his life

My nephew had a friend who pushed for years - that friend also decided the games they played and would get annoyed if he wanted to play witb other kids. All of the friend group ditched him when they were around 9/10 and he doesn’t seem to have close friends anymore. The kid is spoilt, the mum has a “that’s just boys” attitude.

A few posters have said this now, but what OP actually said was "and has happened only on occasion." which I think has been misread.

She doesn't say only on one occasion.

She's not right about the party though, or that this is normal.

When your son stops using aggressive and bullying behaviour altogether, I expect he'll get invited to parties again

In your initial post you say they have different personalities so it's likely to be that. They don't really play together as much anymore (your son perhaps likes to play more physical games) so when deciding who to invite they went for the children their son chooses at the moment.

The year 1 class I watch at break could be divided into boys who are quite physical (they often engage in rough play, have to be spoken to frequently by adults, tell on each other for pushing). Parents are all friends and seem aware that when spoken to about their boys being a bit boisterous which other children are also involved. We then have active boys, run round, play games like tag but without the level of the other boys in terms of aggression. We then have the more sensitive souls, some of these float around and don't really have a set group of friends. They might occasionally join in the running games with the active group but quickly opt out. Others tend to play with the girls as they tend to play more imaginative games such as schools or horses and these boys prefer this.

It sounds like your son would fit my top tier of physical boys while his friend is not in that social group. Based on this I would assume they wouldn't be invited as they don't mix as much.

I think the boys will be boys thing means girls are often held to higher behaviour expectations at the same age. It’s very rare that a bunch of y1 girls would be physical with each other in the playground. Birthday boy’s parents presumably wanted a more chilled out party where they didn’t want to worry.

It’s been interesting to see behaviour at parties over the years. There often seem to be girl plus a few token boy parties and they are always easy and chilled out. At the mixed, whole class parties, I’ve seen random play fights at the back of the hall. It’s just harder work for the organising parents.

Some of you parent's seem to put your point across in such an aggressive way.
The poster has come on here for advice she is clearly upset that her son has not been invited to his best friends party and who wouldn’t be. Yes it may well be because he sometimes pushes his friend but the poster has explained that she is aware of this and is doing her best to work on it and try and stop him. That’s just not good enough for you all though is it you still have to peck away and make this mother feel crap!
Your advice would be taken a lot more seriously if you gave constructive advice instead of putting the mother down.

I think it is awful the way members come onto these threads and put other parents down. Really makes me wonder what is going on in your own lives to feel the need to attack other parents who just want some useful advice.

Poster I guess the situation is out of your hands really but maybe you could still get your sons friend a card and birthday present to show the mother there are no hard feelings.
Your son is just 5 years old and still has a lot to learn about friendships and friends will come and go. It is god that you are working on it though to try and change your sons behaviour and in time he will learn.
All the best to you.?

Yeah, it's hilarious when a boy abuses your daughter and she still has to have him at her birthday party.

Abused her he called her a toilet, just silly kids talk.

OP, I notice you've described the child your son bullies as 'soft'. That is very telling. I hope you don't behave as a mother of a nasty little bully I knew did ~ she referred to her son as 'my little bruiser'!

Soft is an actual description of someone. It can be kind or an insult. Calling a five year old a little bruiser is also better than calling them a nasty little bully.

5 year olds will grow up. They will change. Adults seem to not understand this. Children are more forgiving luckily!

The mum and her son are fed up of your child pushing him regulary . I wouldn’t invite another child to a party who will spoil it for my child either!

@Mumofone121 @Lbet OP I agree with Lbet re. the members coming on here to tear other Mum's down. I think the posts to your original ask for help here have been terrible. This is supposed to be a SUPPORTIVE space and I don't think the hard line criticism/barking you have had here is helpful at all.

Firstly, I'm sending you support OP. I have a DC who has become dysregulated in recent times and we are seeking private professional help at the moment. When children become dysregulated, they can often lose impulse control, say things they wouldnt normally say and behave extraordinarily differently 'in the moment.' I am learning about it and now understanding it more. There are clearly so many posters on this thread that do not understand and quite frankly never will, because they don't deal with it and don't have a clue!

In terms of advice, I would say stay strong and if you are worried - and you sound like you are - perhaps speak to your GP for advice, seek out a child psychologist or perhaps play therapy to get to the route of how your DS is feeling. Keep a record throughout the week of behaviour and things that happen, doesn't matter how big or small - can help professional see commonalities or triggers for behaviour which can help them.

There is support out there for you (you will have to really hammer on doors to get it but it's there!), so good luck and don't let anyone get you down...you are a good Mum asking for support and you and he will get there!!! Remember he is still very young and children will grow and mature....they all do it at very different rates too! Good luck to you! X

Abused her? 😂 I wasn't about to leave him out for a daft comment he made 6 months ago, come on now.

You feel protective of your kid, maybe the other mother feels the same about her child...............

"Her child is the softer one"

No. Your child is the more aggressive one.

His behaviour is not the base of normalcy to derive the other boys from.

This. My eldest son is nearly 4 and isn't like this at all. He certainly doesn't go round pushing people and neither do any of his other pals when together. It's even more concerning than an older one is doing it too.

I think as discussed, you're minimising the violence. I certainly wouldn't be inviting someone like that to my child's birthday.