AIBU upset my Year 1 child was left out of friend’s party?

[Mumofone121]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but I need advice so here it goes…

DS is in yr 1 and has been best friends with another boy on and off for the best part of 2 school years.

They have a close bond but different personalities. Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.
the other mum and I have generally been on the same page and understanding of each other although I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.
Recently, however, the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical and the other with words, mainly) but we have spoken about it and guide our kids as we see fit. This happened a few weeks ago but over the last few weeks they’ve gone back to playing with each other all the time at school.
I thought the mum and I were on the same page based on the chats we’ve had - that they will fight but at the end of the day they’re good friends and they’ll figure it out on their own.

I’ve recently found out that my kid is one of the few left out of his bf’s birthday party and this hurts and I feel protective of my kid. I’m questioning now whether I’ve misunderstood or if I’ve missed something. Personally, regardless of whatever was going on with the kids, I would never single out my son’s bf and leave him out of a party so I just don’t understand and find it hurtful.

any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?

There seems to be a problem if your child has been told not to push but it is still happening. What consequences are there when your child does this? Because if mine had pushed another child then there would have been consequences, if it happened a second time then the consequences would have been more. If this is happening over a long period of time then you and the school are being too soft with him.

The other parent is probably fed up of you and the teachers soft approach to this problem and is being understanding to your face so not to cause problems at school for her own child.

Your son hasn’t been invited as the other parents want their child to have a nice party without worrying if your child will ruin it for him. I bet they are also trying to make sure their son bonds stronger friendships with other children so that they keep away from your son.

I would take this opportunity to show your son this is what happens when you are unkind and you as parents need to realise that you need to up your game and sort your sons behaviour once and for all, you are doing him no favours by letting this continue over a long period of time.

Perhaps you and the other mother differ on what is acceptable behaviour; perhaps the other child is actually still upset at fighting with your son and being pushed; perhaps they just want a calm party and don't want to risk getting pushed or being upset by another child.

I think you just need to accept that friendships come and go and not every child gets to go to every party. It's better for your child to learn this young. In terms of the boys' friendship, you can't force people to be friends or stay friends or share important milestones together. Keep talking to your son about what to do/say when he can feel himself getting frustrated or cross and encourage/facilitate a wider friendship group, especially friends outside of school, if possible (through a club, sport, special interest etc).

YANBU. Don’t invite him to DS’s birthday.

And check if you end up hosting most of the play dates and dial them back to match her effort.

She said only on occasion

The OP said on occasion, not one occassion

This isn't just what little boys do... my 4 year old doesn't go around pushing his friends. Teach your son not to push and he might not get left out. I know it sucks especially when it's your child but unfortunately it will be common if he doesn't stop

Your job is to raise a child that other children want to play with and that adults also like to interact with. He needs to stop being violent. There shouldn't be any excuses for this like impulse control blah, blah, blah. He's not a toddler.

Your kid is behaving like a violent little thug and other kids don’t want to be around him. It’s that simple.

I don’t mean to be unkind, but often more ‘physical’ children are not viewed overly positively in these young age groups and are often given a wide birth. It’s maybe difficult for this other mum to be completely honest and open about how she views the friendship, so she may have been brushing it off to your face, but feeling differently privately.

In your post you say it’s ’just how little boys are’ but that probably isn’t her experience if her son is more placid / gentle, so harder to shrug off.

You obviously experience every side to your son and see his sweet traits along with his more physical expression, she may have more of a skewed view if her son is coming home and complaining about your son being rough. It is an off putting trait I’m afraid and understandably, her main care and priority is her child, so she’ll be looking out for him first and foremost. So unfortunately I’d say this is down to seeing this friendship through different eyes to this other mum and despite what she’s said, you’re obviously not aligned.

This isn’t your DS’ ‘best friend’. They don’t even get along that well. Your DS hits him. Why would you expect him to be invited to the birthday of a child who doesn’t appear to like him, and may even be a bit scared of him?’

My DS is in reception and has been physically hurt by other children and I certainly did not invite them to his party. I’m not risking my child being hurt on his birthday. Like others have said this should be a lesson for your son an if he wants to build relationships with other children he needs to not hurt them. It does sound to me like you are minimising his behaviour

Up to about year 2 children don't really have best friends other than through proximity eg mums are friends, they live on the same street. It is in year 1 that you see so called "friendships" disappearing as children do decide who they like and want to be with.

This can be hard for the children - and their parents - who get left out.

I have been that parent, though for different reasons (my daughters have autism and learning disabilities).

It's hard.

All you can do is support your son. You may think all boys play rough but they don't. Get your son an assessment from a sensory integration therapist - he may not understand his body properly and so be too overwhelming how he uses it - and ask school for help with his social skills.

You are minimising assault. The other mum and her son are sick of it and that's why your DS isn't invited. Boys are not like this, my DS wasn't.

No child would have the chance to do this to my two after I had spoken with the parent once. And yet you allowed him to continue?

This is how boys are......he gets 'a bit' physical when angry....needs to work on impulse control.....but others are doing it too...

All excuses. He is choosing to hurt others who have annoyed him. This is not ok. He knows he can do because mummy will say 'this is how boys are' and 'it is just a bit physical'.

As I say to kids, if I was caught speeding and my excuse to the copper was 'but they were all doing it too' does that make it ok or get me off the hook? Nope. He needs consequences for his actions and to tackle this behaviour now. He does it because he is allowed to do it and mummy excuses it and minimises it.

He doesn't do it to his teacher when they make him angry or the head or the office lady etc. So he is choosing when to do it to others in class. It is a not lacking impulse control, he is very much in control of when he does it. It is a choice behaviour.

I had friends to stay with their little girl last week. She was a nightmare. Pushing, pinching, hair pulling. Her parents minimised every single issue and it was so awful that we’ve decided never to see them again with their child.

Clearly in your case, OP, your child’s friend and his parents have had enough. You either aren’t reading the room or are a bit oblivious to how your child is making the other feel. It’s a truly awful thing to have your child hurt consistently and this boys parents are protecting their child’s wishes.
A big lesson for you and your little boy I’m afraid.

Your kid is physically bullying the other. Other kid is sick of it and doesn't want to be bullied at his own birthday party.

this is just how little boys are.

No. That's bullshit. This is consequences from your kid bullying another one. There will be more.

You aren't on the same page as the other mom and you need to deal with your kid getting physical with other kids. It stops now. You teach him this is not how you treat friends or anyone.

OP, you describe the other boy as 'softer' because he doesn't hit. I think you need to reframe your thinking. Your son isn't being tougher/stronger -he is being aggressive and violent.

Nah, he definitely wouldn’t be invited and that’s okay. It sounds like a good teachable moment for him about how hurting people has consequences and hopefully he will change his behaviour. No excuse for a 5 year old to be pushing anyone. Where is he learning that?

Some small children hit and push. It is absolutely fine for the other children not to want them at their birthday party. This is a consequence, and you would do your son a service by explaining it to him.

Little boys who hit and push can soon become bigger boys who hit and push. The problem gets worse, not better, if not addressed.

I've been where you are. And while it hurts (you as well as your child) you have to use this as a lesson for your child.

If you do X = Y will happen.

Over and over again. It takes a long, long time for the message to go in.

One of a few that’s not been invited, so not singled out!!

Great lesson for you both. Keep your hands to yourself and teach your son not to be physical, or people won’t want to invite you to parties.

As tempting as it is, be careful of labels like ‘best friend’. Friendships at that age change and you’re setting yourself and your child up
for disappointment when this happens, as it seems to already have done.

No one needs to be locked in to a friendship in early childhood.

Ah I feel sorry for you and your kid. Being left out is really hurtful. Children sometimes play rough and have to learn how to both understand someone’s boundaries and to impose their own. It sounds like a completely normal dynamic and I feel she is dramatising it. Would it be best to openly acknowledge the situation and have a chat with the mum? I certainly wouldn’t shame your son and tell him that it is his fault as he won’t be able to understand this I don’t think. Perhaps the teacher can tell you if he often ends up in situations like this so you have a fuller picture. All in all, I would try to minimise this as much as you can

Your son is at an age where he can learn that actions have consequences. Parties are a treat, not an entitlement and if you push someone, they might not want you at their party.

As a parent, I'd be discouraging the friendship if the attitude is ''that's just how little boys are''. No, no it isn't.

Read your OP back to yourself OP. You are minimising big time. "mine a little physical ",
they’ll figure it out on their own.". No, they wont figure it out on their own, you need to teach him. The way you are minimising it comes across like its no big deal to you, so i doubt very much that you are addressing his behaviour with the seriousness that it deserves. You seem to be deluding yourself into thinking that the other parent is " on the same page" and agrees with you that its okay to hit and push her child and perhaps other kids, and that they'll " figure it out". She probably sees your child as violent and you as entitiled. You'll have to help him figure it out -if you hurt children you wont be invited to parties little Kevin, just like you werent invited to little johnnys birthday party.