AIBU upset my Year 1 child was left out of friend’s party?

[Mumofone121]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but I need advice so here it goes…

DS is in yr 1 and has been best friends with another boy on and off for the best part of 2 school years.

They have a close bond but different personalities. Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.
the other mum and I have generally been on the same page and understanding of each other although I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.
Recently, however, the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical and the other with words, mainly) but we have spoken about it and guide our kids as we see fit. This happened a few weeks ago but over the last few weeks they’ve gone back to playing with each other all the time at school.
I thought the mum and I were on the same page based on the chats we’ve had - that they will fight but at the end of the day they’re good friends and they’ll figure it out on their own.

I’ve recently found out that my kid is one of the few left out of his bf’s birthday party and this hurts and I feel protective of my kid. I’m questioning now whether I’ve misunderstood or if I’ve missed something. Personally, regardless of whatever was going on with the kids, I would never single out my son’s bf and leave him out of a party so I just don’t understand and find it hurtful.

any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?

You describe the other boy as soft and say pushing is "just how little boys are" 🤨

I'm not surprised he doesnt want your son there

At that age no i wouldn't use best friends and no I see no reason to need to get over this it is one party this would not faze me in the slightest

Why are people so dramatic over kids parties do people have so little in their life this is a thing?

You say you’re not minimising your child’s behaviour but that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Your child has showed violent behaviour on more than one occasion.

If a child was doing that towards my child I wouldn’t want anything to do with them either.

Damn this is a good reply.

my dd is going through something similar at school. Mums who don’t accept their children are in the wrong even though literally everyone can see it are hard to deal with.
I would also be nice to your face op, but would want my child to enjoy a birthday party without fear of getting shoved

I don't agree with leaving out one or two children for a party- I think it should be a few close friends or the whole class- but you really seem in denial that your child is violent and that's why the other child doesn't want him there. The other child isn't "soft", he is just behaving normally for a 5/6 yo. Lashing out physically isn't normal behaviour for either gender once they have learned to speak properly.

OP however much you're downplaying your son's behaviour or not I'm afraid you just need to develop thicker skin. IME primary school parents are absolute funny buggars. My dd is in Y3 and I've just learned to roll with it. In her class there's some who are cliquey and don't want anything to do with you even if the kids are getting on, there's one mum who's literally bonkers and regularly makes stuff up and picks fights with the parents and the kids, (I've had to raise her bullying behaviour as a safeguarding concern as she really seemed to have it in for my kid at one point), one or two who just don't correct really aggressive behaviour. I can also say that I'm honestly very chill and my dd is very well liked but I've offered a million times more playdates and party invites than I receive. Unfortunately though you just need to accept that you are never entitled to invites or friendships and you need to teach DS this. Brush this off and don't make a drama of it. Talk to your son neutrally about the friendship and teach your son how to recognise positive friendships. That's all you can do. Pretty sure these parents will have absolutely zero influence over their kid's friendships anyway so it's best to start teaching DS to manage friendships independently.

I really dislike it when people minimise pushing and it’s not what boys do! My boys would never push or shove and the other boy shouldn’t be thought of as ‘softer’ the other boy is just a normal child who doesn’t hurt people nothing ‘soft’ about him.

I don't understand why you would have had to work so hard and can identify his behaviour escalates when tired, hungry or upset if it happened just one time? Stop minimising and calling the other boy soft - if your son wants to keep friendships and be invited to parties he needs to learn to keeep his hands to himself.
I'd like to bet your the one chasing the other mum constantly to get her to agree to guide the boys to work things out too

I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.

Wow. Did you really just call her son soft because he doesn’t resort to violence? How about it’s easier for you because your child is the thug?

If I was the mum of the soft little boy that gets pushed by his friend, then I would be taking quiet steps to put distance between them in the hopes that the parents would sort the issue. If the issue is continually smoothed over with gaslighty quips such as that's just how little boys are then the distance would remain.

I would not invite a child who initiates fights to a burthday party. Perhaps they want to have a nice day without being scared of getting pushed around.

"any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?"

1. Get over your feelings.
2. The boys will decide if they want to be friends.

I understand, this is so hard to watch as a parent and you want him to be included.
I'll share with you a strategy that worked for me:
I have an almost 5 year old. My son went through a stage about a year ago, where he would push, shove and he also hit someone. Every time he did, his teacher was great at letting me know - I would never make excuses for him but I did get him to make a sorry letter to his friend in his own time. I also spoke to him about how his friend felt and said that he should report unkind words or actions to teachers, rather than reacting by shoving. I also contacted the parents to apologise on his behalf. Most people appreciate the acknowledgement that you are taking it seriously.
It only took a couple of times, before he cottoned on that he was in the wrong (and that he would have to go through the effort of writing a card!) and stopped the unkind behaviour.
Kids can be rough but he does need a strategy for managing his emotions, and a clear understanding that hurting others has consequences.
This is a natural consequence, which you can't control, but like others say, a learning experience for him.
I really hope he is invited to the next one and you all patch things up.

The other boy and his mother obviously don't view the situation the same way you do.

Why would you invite a child who physically attacks yours if their birthday party. No. I totally understand why the mum and tbh the child doesn't want their bully coming up their party. It's not normal behaviour despite you trying to minimize it. Honestly it isn't ! Yabu and have you spoken to hv re your child's behaviour.

“this is just how little boys are” no it isn’t. Raise your child properly, clearly he is bullying others and they don’t like it.

Also your child is in Y1! They way you talk about him (can’t control himself especially when hungry, tired etc) I would have thought he is 3!

very glad I’m raising a “soft” boy who is kind and gentle and doesn’t push others.

I work in a school. There is a huge difference between boys and girls behaviour especially in year 1. They mature an awful lot but there is still a bit of rough play between boys even in year 6.

Id take it on the chin. Accept it’s her choice and maybe try and understand why she’s decided to exclude him. Maybe her son has said he doesn’t want him there.

A birthday party sounds like the sort of setting where your son might get overstimulated and become physical and a 6th/7th birthday party is stressful enough without having to think of refereeing a punch up. It takes a lot longer to lose a bad reputation than to gain one, so expect more than a few weeks of not pushing before everyone forgets.

When my daughter is in reception her ‘best friend’ shoved her twice, I asked for a meeting with school and requested that they are separated when doing group work and be placed in different classes the year after. Kids deserve to go to school without someone shoving them.

The boy’s parents probably don’t feel they can risk your son hurting someone else’s child at the party. If he becomes physical when over-stimulated then a party is a risky environment.

@Mumofone121 think you’re going to have to ask, if you want to know? “I hope things are ok - noticed DS not invited” but maybe her son has had enough? He may not want your DS there 🤷🏻‍♀️

If the other child was my son, I wouldn’t risk his birthday being ruined by your son being violent. You need to stop minimising your son’s behaviour. It sounds like the other boys mum has tried to keep the peace with you but that doesn’t mean she’s happy about her son being pushed around by your son, and certainly won’t be paying for a place at her sons birthday party to risk your son doing it there.

Sure, but the other child clearly isn’t enjoying it, and doesn’t want a child who pushes him ‘on occasion’ at his birthday party.

Use it as a teaching opportunity for your child.

YOU need to teach your son to stop hurting others.

They”runoff “BFs”