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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU upset my Year 1 child was left out of friend’s party?

170 replies

Mumofone121 · 20/03/2026 17:45

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but I need advice so here it goes…

DS is in yr 1 and has been best friends with another boy on and off for the best part of 2 school years.

They have a close bond but different personalities. Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.
the other mum and I have generally been on the same page and understanding of each other although I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.
Recently, however, the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical and the other with words, mainly) but we have spoken about it and guide our kids as we see fit. This happened a few weeks ago but over the last few weeks they’ve gone back to playing with each other all the time at school.
I thought the mum and I were on the same page based on the chats we’ve had - that they will fight but at the end of the day they’re good friends and they’ll figure it out on their own.

I’ve recently found out that my kid is one of the few left out of his bf’s birthday party and this hurts and I feel protective of my kid. I’m questioning now whether I’ve misunderstood or if I’ve missed something. Personally, regardless of whatever was going on with the kids, I would never single out my son’s bf and leave him out of a party so I just don’t understand and find it hurtful.

any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?

OP posts:
wyntersky · 20/03/2026 18:33

I have 2 boys who are now 21 and 26 and they have never been physical. Stop minimising the behaviour- you're part of the problem!

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 20/03/2026 18:34

I never make mine invite someone who picks on them or is violent towards them, and I don’t expect them to be invited if they’re mean.

My DD went through a bit of a mean phase in reception and whenever I saw her being bossy/mean I would call her out. When she got left out of a party we had a chat and now she’s much better. She is still a little bossy but that’s mostly confined to bossing her little siblings around. You need to nip these behaviours in the bud.

InterestedDad37 · 20/03/2026 18:36

"... this is just how little boys are..."

NABALT 😉 (just a nod to another thread)

Ella31 · 20/03/2026 18:37

Mumofone121 · 20/03/2026 18:33

I wasn’t clear in my post - the pushing does not happen constantly and has happened only on occasion. He is also not the only one who does it.

I am in NO way minimising my son’s behaviour - we work very very hard to stop this behaviour and do not condone it at all but change does not happen overnight and even the teachers have said we are doing everything we can as parents and it’s very normal behaviour for a young child. They have no concerns about him at all and say he’s actually a very sweet child otherwise, who needs to work on his impulse control.

We have plenty of play dates with this child and others where they play wonderfully well.
it’s been work for us as parents to learn that this happens when he’s tired or hungry or upset and we are working very hard on this and he has improved over time it just hasn’t stopped yet.

Edited

But it's clearly not ok. I think you need to take a step back and look at your own words "we worked very hard to stop this behaviour" so clearly it is a problem. I know he's your son so obviously you will defend him but the other mum and child obviously feel different, otherwise he'd be at that party

WhatAMarvelousTune · 20/03/2026 18:38

Mumofone121 · 20/03/2026 18:33

I wasn’t clear in my post - the pushing does not happen constantly and has happened only on occasion. He is also not the only one who does it.

I am in NO way minimising my son’s behaviour - we work very very hard to stop this behaviour and do not condone it at all but change does not happen overnight and even the teachers have said we are doing everything we can as parents and it’s very normal behaviour for a young child. They have no concerns about him at all and say he’s actually a very sweet child otherwise, who needs to work on his impulse control.

We have plenty of play dates with this child and others where they play wonderfully well.
it’s been work for us as parents to learn that this happens when he’s tired or hungry or upset and we are working very hard on this and he has improved over time it just hasn’t stopped yet.

Edited

Sorry OP but this update doesn’t sound like your original post.

Now you’re saying he’s only pushed once, but in your OP you say “recently the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical..” and “mine does get physical when angry (pushes but does not hit)”. It doesn’t sound like only once at all.

And “this is just how little boys are” is absolutely minimising.

Tableforjoan · 20/03/2026 18:38

It’s happened enough clearly that people have made opinions about the behaviour.

SueKeeper · 20/03/2026 18:39

I had the softer boy in this dynamic and I wish I'd put a wedge in the friendship sooner. I let is go on too long with DS weighing up how he got hurt less by being friends and playing with the boy. I was too polite to the mum when I really wanted her to step up, or at least realise the problem. This is a sign, he needs to stop being violent, other kids hate it, he's young enough to learn but you need to deal with it.

User8457363 · 20/03/2026 18:40

The problem with mean kids is that they know that their parents don't mind, which is why they behave the way they do. They feel secure knowing their mums are always on their side and they will never get in trouble.

It's extremely hard to navigate friendships with families who blissfully excuse their children's behaviour all the time. DD has a notorious frenemy in her class who frequently lies, plays pranks, hides other kids stuff etc. However the mum gives off the exact same vibes so it's kind of pointless expecting anything to change. She's the sort of smug parent who thinks she's doing everything perfectly because her children get zero screentime, healthy food, loads of clubs and holidays so everyone else can just fuck off. Lots of parents assume that just because they're doing many things right, it means the behaviour of their children has to be perfect, if not better than all of their peers.

Exclusion is basically the last thing that other families can do when it's obvious the parents can't accept their child is a bully. Or at least explore possible reasons such as ADHD, ASD and get them treatment for it.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/03/2026 18:40

Mumofone121 · 20/03/2026 18:33

I wasn’t clear in my post - the pushing does not happen constantly and has happened only on occasion. He is also not the only one who does it.

I am in NO way minimising my son’s behaviour - we work very very hard to stop this behaviour and do not condone it at all but change does not happen overnight and even the teachers have said we are doing everything we can as parents and it’s very normal behaviour for a young child. They have no concerns about him at all and say he’s actually a very sweet child otherwise, who needs to work on his impulse control.

We have plenty of play dates with this child and others where they play wonderfully well.
it’s been work for us as parents to learn that this happens when he’s tired or hungry or upset and we are working very hard on this and he has improved over time it just hasn’t stopped yet.

Edited

But that won’t matter to the other kid, so if he didn’t choose your son then that’s fair enough

thanks2 · 20/03/2026 18:43

Our twins went to a 3 form school so 90 kids in their year and most where boys (about 55) - parents who have children that push or hit make an incorrect assumption it’s common / regular for their age and it’s not.
I think maybe your son thinks of this kid as his best friend but maybe the other boy does not and I am sorry that is hurtful for you both.

Tarkadaaaahling · 20/03/2026 18:48

I hate when this sort of behaviour is badged as 'just how little boys are'

It absolutely is not just how little boys are. It's how children can be if the wrong behaviours (aggression, being physical) are modelled at home or if they are exposed to them inappropriately via tv/Internet, and they arent taught that it's not the right way to behave.

I hate when people minimise this sort of behaviour in boys, it contributes to the sort of manosphere nonsense we are seeing now.

shivbo2014 · 20/03/2026 18:49

I think the parents probably dont want the possibility of their child being pushed around at his party and being upset.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2026 18:50

Either the boy doesn’t want your son there as he’s going off him. Or the mum knows he’s unpredictable and violent so while her son wants him there she won’t risk someone getting hurt. If he gets violent when he’s hungry or tired a party - loud, busy, exciting, to much sugar - is the worse environment for him to manage his impulses and managing not to hit anyone.

All you can do is accept their decision, realise the issue is bigger than you’ve been admitting and carry on working on improving his behaviour. You are minimising it and that won’t do him any favours.

WallaceinAnderland · 20/03/2026 18:51

Surely you can understand that they just want their little boy to enjoy his party without being at risk of being attacked?

Tell your son again that people don't like being pushed.

In school we tell the children this - to have a good friend you need to be a good friend.

Friends don't hurt each other. Hopefully your son will learn from this.

InfoSecInTheCity · 20/03/2026 18:53

Mumofone121 · 20/03/2026 18:33

I wasn’t clear in my post - the pushing does not happen constantly and has happened only on occasion. He is also not the only one who does it.

I am in NO way minimising my son’s behaviour - we work very very hard to stop this behaviour and do not condone it at all but change does not happen overnight and even the teachers have said we are doing everything we can as parents and it’s very normal behaviour for a young child. They have no concerns about him at all and say he’s actually a very sweet child otherwise, who needs to work on his impulse control.

We have plenty of play dates with this child and others where they play wonderfully well.
it’s been work for us as parents to learn that this happens when he’s tired or hungry or upset and we are working very hard on this and he has improved over time it just hasn’t stopped yet.

Edited

Ask yourself this question. How many times would you want to be pushed/hit on your birthday at your party?

I would expect that most people would answer none. If there was a person who had a fairly high rate of pushing/hitting, even if it wasn’t all the time, would you want to risk having them there?

Anonomoso · 20/03/2026 18:54

He is also not the only one who does it.

That just sounds like you're trying to justify your DS behaviour.

Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 20/03/2026 18:57

A couple of other children ganged up on my child at his birthday and kept pushing him over, in full view of their parents, until a relative of mine went and intervened (I was in the kitchen sorting food at the time). It's all he remembers about his party sadly and he was quite upset. It might be that she just wants him to enjoy his party without the possibility of getting into a fight with your child. People put a lot of effort into parties, they may not want it to be ruined by something negative.

Bollixtothat · 20/03/2026 18:59

Boys will be boys is a rather silly thing to say when referring to pushing / shoving etc. Don’t use tiredness, hunger etc to excuse his behaviour. Tell him he wasn’t invited because other children don’t like being pushed and shoved. If you don’t intervene and make him completely aware of why he’s been left out he won’t learn about consequences. You’re his mother not his friend. Be strict with this before he alienates all his classmates.

itsgettingweird · 20/03/2026 19:00

If he’s pushed once how come you’re also working extremely hard to correct the behaviour?

children - not just boys - can push.

But it’s not ok and it’s fine for him to be shown and learn that if you’re physically violent people won’t want you in their social circle.

Just talk to him and remind him proud you are that he’s working on improving the behaviour so he doesn’t give up but reiterate the behaviour needs to change so people will want to play with him.

TartanMammy · 20/03/2026 19:10

'on occasion' is too often, your son wouldn't be getting an invite to my ds party if he's known to push him. It is not normal behaviour at this age, normal for toddlers yes.

You say the school have no concerns but then say he needs to work on impulse control, so which is it? Why do you need to 'work hard on this' is it's such a non issue?

Hungry, tired, upset - that's excuses and minimising! It would be bedlam if other children all behaved like that.

Hard lesson for him to learn but if you push people you don't get an invite to their party.

Naws · 20/03/2026 19:14

it’s been work for us as parents to learn that this happens when he’s tired or hungry or upset and we are working very hard on this and he has improved over time it just hasn’t stopped yet.

But you said it only happened once?

Hankunamatata · 20/03/2026 19:21

Your over thinking this

Perhaps she asked her son who he wanted and he didn't name your son as they were fighting when party was organised a few weeks.

NoisyGreenNewt · 20/03/2026 19:22

If the most recent incident happened 'a few weeks ago' that might have been when the other boy and mum were sorting the list, and your son didn't rank highly as a result.

While children do fight, and sometimes do hurt each other, it is not a thing all boys do at some point and is not typically repeated. My daughter pushed a boy in pre-school over an argument, and it was dealt with firmly and quickly. She has not pushed anyone since (now a teenager, so I'm assuming the chances are fairly low).

It is a tough lesson, but I would not want to be looking over my shoulder a whole party incase another child turned on mine. Parents have a responsibility to keep their children safe and with good influences.

Laiste · 20/03/2026 19:22

You're working on it and that's good.

Until the work is done though, and he's no longer ''a bit physical'' he's going to suffer consequences like being left out. Use it as a teaching tool don't hide it from him.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/03/2026 19:23

Your child repeatedly gets physical with her "soft" son cos "boys are boys". I'm not surprised you're not invited.