AIBU upset my Year 1 child was left out of friend’s party?

[Mumofone121]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but I need advice so here it goes…

DS is in yr 1 and has been best friends with another boy on and off for the best part of 2 school years.

They have a close bond but different personalities. Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.
the other mum and I have generally been on the same page and understanding of each other although I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.
Recently, however, the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical and the other with words, mainly) but we have spoken about it and guide our kids as we see fit. This happened a few weeks ago but over the last few weeks they’ve gone back to playing with each other all the time at school.
I thought the mum and I were on the same page based on the chats we’ve had - that they will fight but at the end of the day they’re good friends and they’ll figure it out on their own.

I’ve recently found out that my kid is one of the few left out of his bf’s birthday party and this hurts and I feel protective of my kid. I’m questioning now whether I’ve misunderstood or if I’ve missed something. Personally, regardless of whatever was going on with the kids, I would never single out my son’s bf and leave him out of a party so I just don’t understand and find it hurtful.

any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?

I loathe the phrase “boys will be boys…” it allows them to get away with all sorts of things that you’d never let a girl do, and the parents who use the phrase never get a grip of their boys, ime, so they grow up to be horrible teenagers and even worse men.

I have 2 sons and a 2 yo grandson. None of them pushed, hit or kicked, yes there’s time for DGS to develop that behaviour but I know, hand on heart, that his parents won’t tolerate it. I would not have invited a child to a birthday party who was hurting mine. This is a perfect time to learn that actions have consequences. The birthday child has the right to enjoy his birthday party without being pushed or shoved because something isn’t going the other one’s way.

Pushing other kids isn’t how little boys are. I suspect they’re not the bffs that you think they are. Your kid needs to learn to stop being a bully otherwise there will be a lot more parties that he won’t be invited to.

Parent your child not to hit others before he looses even more friends.

I wouldn't want my son to risk being pushed and beaten up at his own birthday party.

Sounds like your son needs some consequences.

My daughter is in year 1 and she's having a full class party for her 6th birthday, she didn't want to invite a boy because he called her a "little toilet" in October 🙈 some kids are quite deeply affected by these things, I dread to think what her reaction would be if someone had been physical towards her on more than one occasion.

(We did invite the boy in the end, I have had to try and encourage a bit of forgiveness for the toilet comment, I found it very hard to keep a straight face 😂)

Disagree with posters saying to minimise this or do something else nice that day with you son. You’ve been working on this issue and it hasn’t resolved yet - finding out he is getting left out of things due to his behaviour might be the shock he needs to actually stop what he’s doing.

I think maybe it's time to stop focusing on this friendship and encourage your son to make other friends. Does he have many other friends or is it quite intense with this one boy?

My son is also in year 1, we have a similar situation except my son is the 'soft' one. One of his close friends is rough and has occasionally hurt my son and their other close friend. My son would still name this boy as one of his good friends but I have told him he doesn't have to tolerate someone hurting him and to be honest I haven't done anything to foster this friendship. I don't blame this boys mum for stepping back from the friendship, you don't know how difficult the other boy is finding it, despite thinking that they are best friends.

I think your use of “soft” is telling - somewhere along the line you’re a bit proud of your lad being “tough” and not “soft”.

Hi, it is upsetting isn’t it when your child gets left out of parties. It might be worth having a chat with the other mum to find out the exact reason why your son hasn't been invited.

How do you punish your son when he is violent to others?

You need to come down hard on this, because if you don’t teach him to keep his hands to himself, his peers will and he’ll soon learn that none of his classmates want him around.

Put a stop to it right now, before he gets a name for himself and nobody invites him anywhere.

So your child regularly physically assaults this other child and you think he should still be invited to the party? Yeah, not sure where you’re going with this one.

A great opportunity to teach your son that actions have consequences.

But it’s not ‘how little boys are’ as a mum of a boy, I hate when people give the bullshit boys will be boys narrative to excuse their behaviour.

Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that).

You are completely minimising his behaviour. Why have you decided a push is ok but not a hit - it's really not that much different to the victim.

I’d have done the same, sorry. The mum sounds lovely but no one needs this at their child’s birthday. A learning point for your child.

Good on her.

There was a post the other week with exactly this story, but reverse.

You describe the other child as softer & minimise the violence of your own chid.

are you kind of aggressive to the other mother so she seems like she is on the same page cos she is too scared to say otherwise.

you need to teach your son to play nicely which given the child is in yr1 should already be learnt. Actions have consequences

I don’t think the mother was as much on the same page as you thought she was.

It’s the little boy’s birthday. Let him have a lovely day without your son pushing him around. They’re clearly not best friends. I wonder how you’d feel if you were the other boys mum.

Sorry. Be clear. What age is your son? 5 or 11?

I wouldn’t invite any child who had been violent to my son to a party either. Stop minimising his behaviour and be a parent.

Year 1 is 5-6.

Children rarely have “ best friends” at that age, so it might be time to encourage DS to make friends with a broader mix of children.

Clearly you and this mum are not on the same page and there is a reason why your son has not been invited to the party. Yes you feel protective of your son, but the pushing has to stop. If he pushes and shove’s in secondary school, you will have more than being left out of a party to deal with.

Teach him that he keeps his hands to himself and no one pushes anyone else.

“A sweet child who needs to work on his impulse control”. Yup, we all got that impression. not.

You need to re read your first post. Too late for it only happened once