AIBU upset my Year 1 child was left out of friend’s party?

[Mumofone121]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but I need advice so here it goes…

DS is in yr 1 and has been best friends with another boy on and off for the best part of 2 school years.

They have a close bond but different personalities. Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.
the other mum and I have generally been on the same page and understanding of each other although I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.
Recently, however, the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical and the other with words, mainly) but we have spoken about it and guide our kids as we see fit. This happened a few weeks ago but over the last few weeks they’ve gone back to playing with each other all the time at school.
I thought the mum and I were on the same page based on the chats we’ve had - that they will fight but at the end of the day they’re good friends and they’ll figure it out on their own.

I’ve recently found out that my kid is one of the few left out of his bf’s birthday party and this hurts and I feel protective of my kid. I’m questioning now whether I’ve misunderstood or if I’ve missed something. Personally, regardless of whatever was going on with the kids, I would never single out my son’s bf and leave him out of a party so I just don’t understand and find it hurtful.

any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?

I wouldn't be keen to invite a child to a party if they frequently pushed my child over.

This is a great lesson for your son. If you don't like being left out don't put your hands on someone when you're cross. Stop minimising his behaviour because this is proof you aren't helping him. Pushing someone is not ok. Teach him the correct response.

This! You really are minimising the fact that physical = violent.

I wouldn’t invite a child who regularly pushed or shoved my child.

It’s not just how little boys are, sorry. There is a boy like this on DS’s Y1 class, and tbh they are all fed up of him. There’s been a few quiet parties without him too.

Ah it’s sad but yes a life lesson. Your son needs to have a better outlet for his energy - judo or sports that teach respect alongside physical energy. When it’s the party just go and do something fun instead to take his mind off it

The other child doesn't want your son at his party because your son is violent with him.

You need urgently to teach your son that this behaviour is NOT acceptable.

I think the way you deal moving forward is to encourage him to play with other children. It’s 100% ok for a child not to invite a child who will push them over. She will want a nice party, not one where there’s a risk of someone hurting your child.

Would you want a guest at your birthday party to be prone to pushing you over? Thought not

The other parents are probably fed up with your DS being violent and your “boys will be boys” attitude.

I know it’s horrible but it’s usually a common theme with these posts that their child being left out bites, pushes or hits. I think although hard to hear it is most likely that.

I had a best friend hit and push me constantly when we were little, your friends DS probably feels awkward around him
soemtimes

I’d say to my son ‘Julian hasn’t invited you to his party because you keep hurting him and it’s made him sad’.

That’s what has happened.

Of course you are going to be hurt, it’s awful when they are left out. I think you need to just really have a talk with him about getting physical when there is a row. Does he lose his temper? Could he step back and count to 10? Just brainstorm a better way of dealing with it because the consequences of being physical are being left out.

I have an 8 year old boy and I disagree that this is just what boys are like.

I wouldn't want a nasty kid would behaves really dangerously at my or my son's party either,

So your child is 5 or 6 years old?

This is the perfect opportunity to teach him that actions (especially violent ones) have consequences.

Ummmm - he gets a little physical and pushes when he is angry. Recently they been been fighting - mine physical, the other with words.

There's your answer. You knew it all along. You may consider it just a little skirmish but you are not the softer year 7 boy on the receiving end.

It's a party outside of school, he is allowed a stress free party

As usual first post nails it and my reply as well

I remember having a conversation with one of my children who had a friend that regularly hit out.

It comes down to how can the friend who hurts you be sorry if they keep doing it. They are not as otherwise they wouldn’t keep doing it. A good friend doesn’t want to hurt you.

How many times would you let someone shove you op before you decided you were not being friends anymore? Or that you wouldn’t invite them to fun things?

I’m sorry but I’m a reception teacher and if I sent you a child to year 1 that was still pushing I’d be flagging that to the teacher. My point being that I’d expect them to be growing out of that stage by then. I would expect it from my nursery children and the start of reception. At this point in the year a year 1 child shouldn’t be doing this as often as you’ve described! This is a logical consequence - people won’t invite you places if you hurt them.

Don't you think it's a good thing for them to have a bit of time apart if the fighting is escalating? Clearly they are in a phase of winding each other up.

I did ring the child's mother to explain why we weren't inviting her son when we always had before, because her son was going through a phase of thumping mine. There was absolutely no way I was having a child who was physically violent at DS's birthday party.

That didn't mean they couldn't be friends ever, just that the current phase meant it was better they were apart until the hitting stopped.

This is a great way to explain to your little boy that if he pushes people over or hits them, they won't want to spend time with him.

Wondering if this is a reverse.

(Also you are completely minimising something that is not acceptable in the least.)

I wouldn’t invite a child who pushes my child or others. It’s not acceptable behavior, they’re in year 1, they aren’t toddlers and it’s not ok.

I'm sure the mum is trying to be polite to your face, but in her shoes, I wouldn't be falling over myself to invite the child who keeps pushing and fighting with mine. Especially as the parent of the gentler child.