AIBU upset my Year 1 child was left out of friend’s party?

[Mumofone121]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post but I need advice so here it goes…

DS is in yr 1 and has been best friends with another boy on and off for the best part of 2 school years.

They have a close bond but different personalities. Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.
the other mum and I have generally been on the same page and understanding of each other although I fully recognise it’s harder for her as her son is the softer one.
Recently, however, the boys have been fighting (mine a little physical and the other with words, mainly) but we have spoken about it and guide our kids as we see fit. This happened a few weeks ago but over the last few weeks they’ve gone back to playing with each other all the time at school.
I thought the mum and I were on the same page based on the chats we’ve had - that they will fight but at the end of the day they’re good friends and they’ll figure it out on their own.

I’ve recently found out that my kid is one of the few left out of his bf’s birthday party and this hurts and I feel protective of my kid. I’m questioning now whether I’ve misunderstood or if I’ve missed something. Personally, regardless of whatever was going on with the kids, I would never single out my son’s bf and leave him out of a party so I just don’t understand and find it hurtful.

any advice on how to deal with these feelings and also how to deal with the boys friendships going forward?

Just to add too. If any of my nursery and reception class (mixed age) said they didn’t want to play with someone because they were pushing them I would say that’s absolutely fine, even if it upset the pusher.

It’s natural consequence for him and for you. You minimise your child being violent and pushing she doesn’t want him at the party, Whu would she If you don’t stop him soon he will soon be labelled that child to avoid. Don't be surprised if he is being isolated. Chikdren dont go to school to be hurt.

I wouldn’t have invited a child known to be violent to a birthday party. They can get a bit raucous anyway, especially if there’s a bouncy castle or soft play stuff and it’s hard enough keeping basic control over 20-30 excited rambunctious kids without adding in a kid who pushes and shoves when he’s not hopped up on sugar.

What happens in school is one thing, but even then by your use of words "bit physical"..."little physical" seems that it's ok if its only "little or a bit".
Clearly it's repetitive behaviour and I've no doubt, despite what you think the other mum is getting sick of it.

As others say I wouldn't risk the chance of inviting your DS if there's a chance my DC's birthday party was going to be ruined, just because they're together at school doesn't mean this other DC has to be around yours when not there.

This was my child, so I feel your pain OP. He has now got an ASC and AdHD diagnosis and is super polite and has a nice social circle. Just to encourage a bit of perspective…in my experience, kids and parents just don’t like it when their own kids are hurt. No matter the reason. My child was often excluded and it stung, but I kind of understood too…just know that’s how this person really feels. your son will find his feet, avd find his group and frustrations will lessen, have a g&t abc know you are not alone! 💪💕

I agree with this and have not invited children who aren’t very nice, regardless of whether I get on with the mums
these kids need to know it’s not acceptable and that’s why people don’t invite them
there’s a child I know he’s 11 now no party invites at all because quite frankly he isn’t nice. He’s a bully and has been since the toddler groups and has got worse over the years. The mum is a nice woman but nobody ever includes him.

Mine does get a bit physical when he gets angry (pushes but does not hit or anything like that). They’ve had their little tiffs but found their way back to each other as young kids do and we’ve helped them along the way knowing this is just how little boys are.

Well, no.

You know this all is not ok. And that’s definitely not just how little boys are. Nor little girls.

You’ve been honest OP. Now face up to the implications. It’s a learning point for your DS.

I agree with PPs. I imagine this child has said “I don’t want X at my party, he always pushes me”. And I can’t bear parents who think shoving is “just how little boys are”.

Sorry OP but I have 5 sons and that's not 'just what little boys are like'. You need to be a lot tougher when it comes to him getting physical with other children - it needs to be made clear very firmly that hurting other children is unacceptable and give him a consequence every time it happens. You also need to tell him that he won't have any friends if he continues to behave this way. My sons specifically didn't invite some children to their parties because they were rough and hurt others.

Let this be a life lesson for him, and for you. You need to take a tougher line with him.

Why are you brushing your child's bullying behaviour under the carpet?

Honestly the best way to deal with it is to go zero tolerance on your son being physical/ pushing etc. it’s not “just what boys do” and it’s now affecting him socially as one would expect.

First post nails it as usual.

This is a good life lesson for him and I would absolutely explain why he doesn't have an invite.

Not all boys are like this.

Not all kids with additional needs are like this either (sure some are, and they can be supported to help them regulate better over time).

Time to be a lot more clear with your son that violence is unacceptable.

Yeah I'd be putting distance between my child and yours too. I wouldn't want my son spending time with someone who repeatedly gets physical with him. They've probably had enough of it.

It doesn't really sound like your dealing with it either, minimising it as just pushing. I have two boys and neither have had friendships like that and if they did I'd be discouraging it.

I can see that it must feel upsetting that he’s missing out, but it makes sense why he’s not invited.

DS is in Y2 and he can get very “physical” when dysregulated, ie he’ll hurt people. Understandably he doesn’t get invited to parties or play dates as it’s not very enjoyable for the other kids or parents - they can’t relax!

I think in 3 years he’s had 3 parties and no play dates. A couple of park meet ups as it’s easy for either us or them to leave if need be. Sadly, it’s just the reality.

you can feel sad, of course, but you need to accept it unless the behaviour changes.

I have been the other mum, my son’s friend was occasionally a bit violent and while they were friends it wasn’t nice. We didn’t like having him at the house either.

I did gently steer my child away from this friendship and it sounds like this mum is doing the same.

pushing and shoving someone child is not something that you should think as “normal” behaviour. ITS NOT ACCEPTABLE. It isn’t okay, and it’s something that needs to be addressed properly and teach your child to behave.

My niece was bullied by a child with similar behaviour, and it had a real impact on her. She and her mum were constantly upset and distressed because of it. So when I see similar behaviour being dismissed, it’s concerning.

You seem to think pushing and shoving is acceptable for a 6-year-old to do to another child, but it’s not. And if I felt another child was repeatedly making mine feel uncomfortable or unsafe, I wouldn’t invite them to a party either.
Leave the other mum alone she had enough and want her son to have fun on his party.

You’re letting your son hit and push another child. That’s not “boys being boys” (a toxic concept in and of itself). You need to teach your son how to manage big feelings and keep his hands to himself because right now, you’re doing him a disservice.

It’s normal for friendships to change. And her kid isn’t ‘soft’, he’s just not rough or potentially a bit of a bully. They aren’t that well suited as friends and your kid is mean. Natural consequence for your son here. Understandable you are upset as it’s not like your kid is evil, but we all have to learn lessons in life about how to treat people

Yes I think you’ve probably missed something here. Perhaps the other mum doesn’t want to confront you about it or the boy doesn’t want your son at the party following a tiff perhaps.

This isn't "how boys are". I have boys and they are not like this. It's physical it's wrong but not confined to boys

Tell your son if he wants friends and parties then he needs to control his temper

How have you actually dealt with his physical aggression towards his friend? There's a lot of airy fairy stuff there but nothing about how you actually deal with this, because it's ongoing and doesn't seem to have been addressed. He hasn't stopped. I wouldn't invite a child who physically bullied mine.

I’d not want drama at the party so an explosive friendship would be a no from me

Absolutely I have twin boys. Society needs to stop this "it's just boys or boys will be boys" that is mums excusing their sons bad behaviour. All the posters saying this needs to stop.

I wasn’t clear in my post - the pushing does not happen constantly and has happened only on occasion. He is also not the only one who does it.

I am in NO way minimising my son’s behaviour - we work very very hard to stop this behaviour and do not condone it at all but change does not happen overnight and even the teachers have said we are doing everything we can as parents and it’s very normal behaviour for a young child. They have no concerns about him at all and say he’s actually a very sweet child otherwise, who needs to work on his impulse control.

We have plenty of play dates with this child and others where they play wonderfully well.
it’s been work for us as parents to learn that this happens when he’s tired or hungry or upset and we are working very hard on this and he has improved over time it just hasn’t stopped yet.