AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

That’s not ‘cultural’, then. That’s just ‘my family is weird about funerals’.

Many seem to be Irish. Also Britain is not just one country and one culture.

The practice of using "culture" as a cover for poor- unacceptable behaviour is, ironically, a constant across different cultures.

As a PP has said, I'm also puzzled by the apparent belief of many people in this thread that the only real way you can show support for a bereaved person is by attending the funeral of the person they're grieving.

I fully accept that plenty of people attend funerals in circumstances where I would not. We're different. One is not better than the other.
It's the idea that family relationships could be damaged for life because of that simple difference is what saddens me. Unless the in-laws made their decision with an intent to hurt the OP, I see no reason for it cause a rift or alter how anyone feels about the other.

I agree with the above. I admit that I have attended the funerals of people I didn't know well to support the bereaved, but they were local. I wouldn't have travelled several hours to do so.

Lots of people attend funerals to "support" the bereaved and then you never hear from them again. It isn't a one size fits all. A friend's partner went to an Irish funeral and wake yesterday. They even admitted that lots of people went just to have a good catch up and drink plenty, not necessarily to support the bereaved.

You just can't make a judgement about how differently people approcah this kind of thing.

Distancing yourself from someone who didn't come to a funeral is cutting your nose off to spite your face and not a good idea if you are marrying into the family. And where is the boyfriend in all this? Did he contact his relatives and ask why?

No.
This thread shows it's not a single family approach. Lots of people have a different approach to yours. But for many people their first exposure is from direct family experiences.
Nothing weird about that. And nothing weird about doing things differently from you.

But how do you account for the numbers of Brits on the thread who attend funerals of people they didn’t know well to support the bereaved? How is that a ‘cultural difference’?

Indeed.

I wouldn't either expect or want my pils to attend my dps funerals. They've all got along fine over the years at various wedding etc but it is 2 separate families.

There are so many grief tourists about, they go to 'show respect' when they've never bothered with the deceased when alive and won't bother with the bereaved again once the wake buffet has been eaten.

Sorry for your loss op, but please cut your pils some slack here.

So the West African person on this thread who said that funerals are small and private in her country is using culture as an excuse too is she?
From what I have seen nearly everybody who has said that they go to funerals of people regardless of whether they know them are Irish, Scottish or from the north east of England.

There are so many grief tourists about, they go to 'show respect' when they've never bothered with the deceased when alive and won't bother with the bereaved again once the wake buffet has been eaten.

Yes!
That is the phrase I was looking for.

There is absolutely nothing inherently "unacceptable" about a different approach to attending funerals.

100% and in recent years they’re the ones live steaming on social media and treating it like it’s a social event.

I think the term "culture" here is about individual family's culture or custom rather than English vs Irish/Scottish/other.

It is more to do with a family's tradition rather than culture. It's the same with how so many families do Christmas differently. No one way is right or wrong. It is right for each individual family. The issue is when different families have different expectations.

The key here is communication, so why didn't the boyfriend tell his family that they were expected to attend?

100% but it’s standard MN - my way is the only correct way and any other way of doing things is unacceptable.

Did they know your mum ? Had they met her/ spent any proper time with her?
sorry for your loss, u feel your grief may be misplaced x

God, the arrogance of some people. 'Everyone who doesn't do things exactly the same way as me is weird, and it's wrong and unacceptable behaviour'.

Some people prefer small quiet family funerals. Some people prefer small quiet family weddings. Some people prefer small quiet family Christmases. Others prefer that all and sundry are there. It's allllll fine. Chill.

Not everybody wants or needs this and if you don't know the deceased or the bereaved well you won't know what they're wishes would be.

That is lovely if the support continues. Usually bereaved people don't see keen funeral goers until the next funeral/day out tho, sadly.

Very odd responses to me. Living in Ireland I'd be shocked if my in laws didn't attend. Even if they didn't know them much wouldn't come into my head.

I would advise the OP to have an actual conversation with her in-laws before perpetuating / creating a family rift by cutting them off / not bothering about them. Express you felt hurt, acknowledge that you possibly just assumed they’d attend so didn’t let it be known you’d like the to be there. They might have thought differently to what you’re assuming.

If more people use better communication rifts like this probable wouldn’t happen so much.

My in laws didn’t attend my mum’s funeral because I asked DH to put them off. I didn’t want DH to feel split between them and me. I may not have been thinking straight because Mum’s death was unexpected, and I was all over the place.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

Agreed . I’m Irish living in the UK and I was dwelt Gort when only my dad came to DH’s dads funeral (in UK) my parents live in Ireland

It isn't odd, clearly different cultures behave differently and that is fine. The op wanting to distance herself is the only odd thing and very sad too if they're all previously had good relationships.

Unless they had become fairly close friends, I wouldn’t expect them to attend
Both mine and husbands parents get on very well & became close friends, they meet up and visit together not just with us and family so I know they would attend.

Together 9 years. Stop it.