AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

I'm very surprised at these responses. It doesn't matter how well they knew you're mum in my opinion, funerals are just as much about showing support to the greifing family and I absolutely would expect my inlaws to come to my mums funeral. Infact they all did come to my dad's. I'm so sorry for your loss OP and completely understand why you're upset about inlaws not being there.

Clearly. But OP isn’t being very understanding of that cultural difference is she? Cutting off her partners family because they sent her texts and flowers but didn’t attend a virtual strangers funeral ….

But she wasn't a virtual stranger. She was their daughter in laws mother!

Eldest DD has been with her DP for 6 years, they live together and are buying a house together, no plans for kids. I have met his mother once. If she passed I would talk to him, support him and DD and they would know that any help they wanted, I would give. But I wouldnt got to her funeral as she is a virtual stranger to me.

I just can't really understand that at all

Lots of posters can't understand your stance either.

Stalemate.

Lots of posters can’t understand yours either. It isn’t as if a large majority on here agree with you, is it!

60% think the OP is being unreasonable.

Neither of us are right or wrong though. They are just different ways of doing things.

Yes, but I voted YABU myself, because the OP spoke of cutting contact. That’s extreme, though doubtless driven by her grief. I understand why she was hurt. And it wasn’t just about the funeral non-attendance, it was about their lack of support as well.

So the 60-40 vote doesn’t mean that the 60% who voted YABU all agree with you at all, they just don’t agree that cutting contact is proportionate.

Yes. I agree that cutting contact is an over reaction. I doubt very much that not attending the funeral was a deliberate snub, especially as many posters wouldn't think to go to an in-laws funeral. I still want to know where the boyfriend is in this. If he felt that it was important that his family members attended why did he not discuss it with them? Maybe he thought they didn't need to attend, given that some of them had sent flowers and thought that they had done enough.

A mismatch between expectations here and not enough communication.

I find it ridiculous that you understand that not everyone does or thinks the same way you do.

Bet we're all wondering now which funerals of our inlaw's relatives we haven't attended and if that caused anyone to want to distance themselves. No wonder we have thread after thread of low contact/no contact dramas on here.

To the random funeral goers, can you hand on heart say if you offer anything in the way of support after the funeral? You know an occasional text or visit maybe to see how the bereaved are doing?

This - a lot of posters are basically saying the same thing, a lot of english people would possibly think it was intruding and not necessary for them to attend if they didn't really know the person. Did you specifically ask them to come? Just telling them when it is happening is slightly different. That's information, not an invitation. You obviously feel put out by it which is sad and I get why, but really their intentions were probably not bad and quite normal for a lot of English people. It's nice that they sent flowers and your FIL texted, I would say.

I bet you are a mess at the moment and I'm sorry for your loss, I'd put your feelings on this to one side for now, concentrate on grieving, give them the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully with a bit of distance from it you will be a bit more objective, keeping hold of lots of bitterness won't help anyone. Look after yourself xx

@binnibonnieboo

I'd say whether or not she was a virtual stranger depends on how well they knew/how often they met the OP's mother.

If they only met her a handful of times and barely knew her, then the in-laws may well have considered her to be a virtual stranger.

OP hasn't mentioned the in-laws having a relationship with her mother specifically, so I think it's safe to assume that they were acquaintances at best. It's possible that they rarely saw each other.

There are people that I know - as very casual acquaintances - but I don't know them well or have what I'd call a proper relationship with them. One of them passed away recently; a gentleman who would sometimes attend the Pagan Moot that I go to. While I knew him and occasionally had very brief interactions with him, he wasn't someone I knew well, so I decided not to go to his funeral.

If that's a similar sort of situation with the in-laws, then it's possible that they considered the OP's mother to be almost a stranger to them.

For me, your children's in laws cannot be virtual strangers, because you are related by marriage regardless of how often you meet. They are key figures in your child's life, their partner's parents. I just can't see how they can possible be considered virtual strangers.

Yes and called out on local radio too. I'd never think I'd have to be invited here but the culture around death is so different here. There's nearly an expectation here that you would at least show your face at the 'viewing ' and sympathise with the bereaved

@binnibonnieboo

They're key figures in your child's life, but they may not be key figures in your life. I suppose it comes down to how someone personally defines 'virtual stranger'. People will have different perspectives and that's okay.

Not all Irish people agree with the OP. I'm Irish and wouldn't want to intrude on an intimate family gathering (funeral, wedding or anything) unless I knew I'd be welcome. Irish funerals are famous for fights and drama queens using them as their own personal showcase. I avoid them for this reason. I only go if I really must / am really welcome. Plenty of Irish people feel the same. We just don't say it out loud because of the backlash.

My parents were Irish, so I’ve been to several funerals of Irish people. Ones where the world and his wife turned up, people chatted all the way through the removal service, randoms went to view the body at home and audibly gossiped about what the deceased looked like, chit chat and smoking at the graveside, people got shit faced at wakes, took complete advantage of the hospitality, acted without consideration or dignity…

Now, I’m not saying all Irish funerals are like this, but when our parents died, we (all born and raised in England) elected to keep their funerals private and not a free for all.

That sounds like my family LOL.

Sounds awful. Paying respects my arse.

I'm sorry for your loss. However I think you are being unreasonable.

It can be difficult for people to attend funerals even if they want to and feel they should. But people have different views about who should or should not attend and what is appropriate. They may have thought it would have been rude to have come.

I didn't expect my in-laws to attend my Mum's funeral. I was touched that they did especially as I know they would have found it challenging. I wouldn't have judged if they hadn't attended.

A few people didn't come, some for more understandable reasons than others. The only person I judged harshly was her only remaining sibling who had said they would come but didn't show up at the last minute.

Your not far wrong.

Don’t they look great? Never seen them look so well. Beautifully laid out - they did a fantastic job on them.

or as my mother said about her mother “she’d be delighted to be looking so well”

Always makes me smile.

All very typical to be said by the older generation especially on viewing the recently deceased.

It’s just a different cultural norm. It’s not considered gossip, It’s meant as a comfort that the deceased looks well and at peace. It’s a more communal attitude to grief and a very different idea behind it. You don’t have to like it but it’s not meant as disrespect.

So yes I think most Irish families are like this.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would have been gutted if my in-laws didnt come to pay their respects.
Did they know your parents well as my in-laws/ Siblings were very close to my parents so it would have been odd if they hadnt been there.

I've been with my husband since 2000. My mum died in 2014 and my dad in January this year.
I never expected them to attend either funeral.
They did actually want to attend my dad's but we discouraged it due to distance and the fact I'm from a working class scouse background and they are upper middle class Rural South.
They didn't need to see my SIL nearly cause WW3 at my dad's funeral