AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

'but we discouraged it due to distance and the fact I'm from a working class scouse background and they are upper middle class Rural South. They didn't need to see my SIL nearly cause WW3 at my dad's funeral'

Discourage it due to distance yes <and the fact they weren't friends or related> but what has class or your sil got to do with it? I bet there's many a family drama even at upper middle class family's funerals from the rural South.

I suspect the OP wouldn’t have felt so upset by their non-attendance if maybe they had checked in with her to offer support in other ways. Just one text from her PILs is very little considering that the relationship between them and the OP has apparently been close.

As others have wondered, why has the DP not been more involved here?

My step-son has been with his wife for 15yrs I reckon, we've met her parents about 10 times.
If one of them died it wouldn't occur to me (or my wife) to go to the funeral. We'd obviously do anything we could to help, but we don't 'know' them.

Just telling them when it is happening is slightly different. That's information, not an invitation. You obviously feel put out by it which is sad and I get why, but really their intentions were probably not bad and quite normal for a lot of English people. It's nice that they sent flowers and your FIL texted, I would say.

I would assume that if someone had not only told me the day of the funeral, but the time and the place that this would be an implied invitation. I agree that I don't think their intentions were bad though.

I feel that as it is a FIL and a stepmother in law then there might not have been as much thought gone into any support. I hate to generalise, but it often just doesn't occur to men to offer support after a bereavement. When anyone in DH's family died I was always the driver behind any support.

Yes very normal to compliment the corpse!

I've been to more funerals in Ireland than I can count, and have never once seen a fight. That's just stereotyping.

100 percent everyone is on their best behaviour. no one is intruding at an Irish funeral. the only thing is family ask for house private once wake is over sometimes but that would be said in the death notice

But they know YOU, they would be coming to be there for you.

I would also be upset OP but based on other replies it seems Im in tge minority.

Cultural differences across the British Isles do vary hugely across region, class and religion, and usually evolve as a combination of all three, together with influences from immigration going back hundreds of years.
It's not as simple as saying "British Culture" because the expectations of 'normal' for e.g. a family of working class Catholics in Essex will most likely be quite different in many respects from a family of Upper-Middle class Anglicans in Chipping Norton.

But she'd have all her own family and friends present?

It's just like AnSpideog says, it's about comforting the family. They look peaceful. Or they look like themselves, which after a long illness can be very comforting for the family.

It is normal amongst my family and friends to attend one’s in laws parents’ funerals - in England.
Clearly, other groups of family and friends in England do not consider this to be the norm, which genuinely surprises me. Perhaps this is a class thing?

Lucky you. I live here (in Ireland) and there's been a fight at very funeral I've attended or heard about. Not always a physical fight but always, always a big row.

Maybe it's not just a culture issue / misunderstanding. But if the in-laws knew their non-attendance would cause offence, it doesn't necessarily mean they were being rude / deliberately hurtful / cold. They could have good reasons for not attending, reasons they may not wish to share. I think OP should give them the benefit of the doubt.

It is a huge overreaction to break with family members because they have done something which annoys you.

I’m in Wales and I’m pretty sure that here in laws are mostly classed as close family and that they would expect to attend their daughter in law’s parents funeral as a mark of respect to her.
Lots of us also attend the funerals of people in the community that maybe we don’t know all that well but want to support their families and show appreciation for the life of the person who has died.
it’s probably urban dwellers who don’t know anybody much in their communities who want to restrict funeral attendees. Sad really.

That's exactly the kind of judgemental comment that makes me want to avoid funerals. I have seen how upsetting it is for my friends who can't get peace in their grief because the community and distant relatives converge on the house, trying to push their idea of how to grieve. I've recently seen this happen to a neighbour who lost her father, a good friend whose mother died, and a work colleague's girlfriend. All three were exhausted after caring for years, and just wanted to have a quiet, dignified funeral and no "wake", but the "community" thought they knew better.

"Sad, really " That's exactly the kind of judgemental comment that makes me want to avoid funerals. I have seen how upsetting it is for my friends who can't get peace in their grief because the community and distant relatives converge on the house, trying to push their idea of how to grieve. I've recently seen this happen to a neighbour who lost her father, a good friend whose mother died, and a work colleague's girlfriend. All three were exhausted after caring for years, and just wanted to have a quiet, dignified funeral and no "wake", but the "community" thought they knew better.

How do communities who attend many funerals cope if someone opts for a direct cremation?

Well I've never heard of it happening in Ireland, but if course we'd cope. Cremation is much rarer here, though getting more popular. Burial is more the norm.

Well, that's strange. I'm in my 60s, probably been to a few hundred by now, never seen a fight yet.

Never, ever experienced this. I’m Irish and well into middle age and have attended numerous funerals.
I’m sorry to say it but you should take a hard look at your social circle. This is not normal behaviour and it’s quite sad that you think it is.

They maybe have to provide their own daily hobbies and buy their own sandwiches?

I live in the west and I've seen it a few times recently, we've had a viewing and then cremation a couple of times, and one where it was just cremation. I've had 2 relatives donate their bodies to science also . They were an elderly married couple .no funeral for them .