AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Who knows I replied to the comment that " she had married their child" Which she hadnt

I am so sorry for your loss. My Mum died when I was in my early 30's and I was absolutely devastated, so I understand how you feel.
Did your in-laws know your Mum? Did you invite them to the funeral, or did you assume they would attend?
In my opinion, being with your partner for 9 years makes you a part of their family, so they definitely should have made a lot more effort concerning your Mum's passing.
They might not have wanted to attend the funeral if they didn't know her well, but they could have gone to support you, which is what I would have done.
Even if they couldn't attend, they should have been calling you or popping round to see you and flowers or a donation should have been sent.
Don't do anything at the moment. You have to understand that your emotions are all over the place and you won't be thinking as rationally as you would be, were you not grieving. Give it a little while and then think about what you want to do.
Remember, this could just be one of those things you can get past especially taking into account the future issue cutting them off will have on your partner and any children you have.
The grief will ease, you just need to give it time.
Sending hugs xxx

I haven't seen many if any English people outside the north east say they attend funerals of people they don't know.

I would have thought it was pretty weird had my in-laws attended my mothers funeral. They never even met each other.

My MIL didn’t attend my DF’s funeral and actually don’t know if I could have coped if she had. She would have had to stay with us, which I would have struggled with at the time. But was supportive before and after his death, which surely is more important than just attending a funeral. All these people who attend funerals of people they are not particularly close to, are you supportive in other ways as well to the relatives of the deceased person.

From another perspective (and I very much still do think it might be just legitimately different views on whether it would be appropriate or not) it seems from her update that OP's partner's brothers DID in fact attend, so I wonder if that's why the parents then not doing so came across like more of an overt snub.

But yes, the communication side does seem lacking here, since, contrary to what a lot of judgemental idiots & yes, grief tourists, on this thread seem to think, it's usually about individual families and how they tend to do things. I'd have thought it was down to the OP's partner to communicate to his side of the family what would have been expected and helpful here.

I'm surprised by a lot of these responses but perhaps it's cultural.

My ex-boyfriend, with whom I am still friends, and his parents who I consider family friends, came to my dad's funeral. His parents had only met my dad once but they came to support me.

My brother's parents and sister in law also came and I think it was appropriate.

I'm unsurprised you're upset, but I'd talk about it with them as perhaps they were operating from a different set of assumptions.

For context, as I know people are talking about regional/ cultural differences, I'm from an ethnic minority but both my brother's wife and my ex are English from opposite ends of the country.

I’m sorry for your loss, but your grief will be making you feel a lot worse.

You don’t say whether both sets of parents knew each other or were close and I wouldn’t have expected them to have attended unless this were the case.

You’ll be feeling very raw, don’t make any rash decisions that will affect your future relationship with them.

Was thinking the same. I would absolutely expect my in laws to be there and they have come to funerals of family and I’ve gone to funerals of theirs. Especially after the loss of my mother, it was a comfort to me to see my mother in law when she arrived at the wake.

I think the vote is a bit skewed, because the OP spoke about cutting off contact with her in-laws because they didn't come to the funeral. I voted YABU for this reason. I understand why the OP is feeling hurt and let down, but cutting contact is an extreme reaction, though obviously her grief is playing a big part. She herself has realised this now.

I’m so sorry for your loss. BUT your in-laws have been supportive, your FIL text, they sent flowers… they’re clearly thinking of you…
If my parents passed away I wouldn’t expect anyone to attend their funerals unless they knew my parents well… it’s really not a plus one occasion… family and close friends attend funerals, not friends of family and in-laws of family…. It’s lovely some of your friends attended to support you, but is your partner not all the support you needed?
You helping your father in law when he was unwell is VERY different to him attending a funeral of someone he barely knew?! Where does it end…. If everyone in attendance brought all their friends and in-laws with them it would not be a very intimate meaningful funeral….
I find it strange this has
upset you to the degree of not wanting contact with your partners family…. If your partners father died would you have expected your mum and dad and step mum to all attend? Your siblings and their families too?
If my ex MIL had died me and exH would’ve gone to the funeral, there’s no way my 3 siblings, their partners and my parents would’ve all gone… so you’d honestly expect not just me to attend my in-laws funeral but for me to take a long 10 extra people to ‘support’ my husband??
I think you need to get over them ‘not coming’ and be grateful for the text and flowers (which were very thoughtful BTW).
IF your partner isn’t able to support you during these losses and you need to bring along an extra 10 people for support you because he isn’t up to it then please don’t consider having children with this man!
I think most people wouldn’t even give attending a funeral of someone they didn’t really know a second thought… but if you wanted them to attend for some reason then you should have explicitly asked them to!

Clearly, though, a lot of people other than the OP think differently to you, however. There is obviously a real cultural element involved here, too.

'When his dad had a stroke about 5 years ago I was running about getting stuff in for him and he can’t make the effort for me? Btw they all live a 15 min drive away from me'

Yes and that is normal, he is your fil. The difference is your dm wasn't their relative. They've sent flowers, a note a text, it is enough.

It is normal to have displaced anger post bereavement are you going to maybe try counselling?

I would totally expect them to come or at least message you to ask if you would them to come x

Displaced anger is indeed common when grieving but I think this is an unreasonable suggestion when 40% of people agree with the OP’s feelings here

This- you will ruin the relationship with the ILs because of your anger, take time to think before you act as it will also affect your DP.

This- you they will ruin the relationship with the ILs son and DIL because of your their anger resentment

Fixed that for you @croydon15 !

If course you do you invite them by saying when and where it is 🙄🙄🙄.

@ThreadneedleRoad

Not weird, just a different and equally valid way of doing things.

I'd be unlikely to attend the funeral of someone I hadn't been at least somewhat close to.

Hi, sorry for your loss. I think you and your partner's family have different expectations in this situation - it doesn't mean they don't care for you. It may be just that it's not their custom to attend funerals of people they are not extremely close to. They might have even felt their attendance would have been awkward and unwelcome. I'm sorry you feel they let you down but I wouldn't think their non-attendance shows a lack of care. The absence of any sympathy cards seems a bit poor.

If more people use better communication rifts like this probable wouldn’t happen so much.

Absolutely.

I agree with you. And her MIL and FIL did NOT send flowers. FIL sent a text only. Her partner’s siblings and spouses sent flowers. His parents sent dippity-do-dah. Not even a card or phone call.

Well in Ireland we have a website, RIP.ie, and you publish the details there and anyone who wants to comes along. No invitation. I was amazed when I heard of inviting people to a funeral for the first time, on Mumsnet. I couldn't get my head around the idea.