Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

YANBU. Tell him to step up or leave.

He is a dead weight to you.

So what is he actually contributing here? As a lone parent of many years and full on career, what use is he?

He says he can’t just ask for time off-is in a responsible position tbf and is needed, how can this work then?

I often think if we were separated, how would he then manage it as has to leave for work at 7.30 and it would be too early to drop Dd, but he’d have to find a way and arrange it with work somehow wouldn’t he?!

It can only work if he is prepared to compromise
which so far he’s shown zero sign of accepting

I mean on the days he had her if we separated

He probably wouldn’t have her. Not on work days anyway
he views you as default parent now, he always has done. What possible reason would he have to be any different after separating?

Exactly. What is the solution? He didn’t even say ‘Let’s try to find a babysitter/nanny’ it’s like i’m expected to sort that?!
I said to him that he expects me to work more but then this happens and then I can’t so he can’t expect it both ways then! I said that families work together in this when they have children

What's the point of him? Marriage is for enhancing your life, this man refuses to do that. He's teaching his child that women are for serving men.

What did he say when you told him that?

Of course he can ask for time off. He has annual leave, there is parental leave request s, these are legal obligations on employers. He just doesn't want to.

I'd stop discussing and start stating. "I will be doing this exciting project x, you'll be looking after DD." Sparks will fly initially but if you back down he'll continue to take advantage.

He views me as this but also makes comments about me working full time now Dd is at school…yes, right, but how exactly?! and why all down to me?

Tbh if we did separate i’d prefer to have Dd the majority of the time

The only solution is to play hardball and book the job. Tell him he is responsible for his daughter in that day and to either take holiday or arrange suitable cover.

Pretty much sums it up. He’s holding you back and it feels like he’s jealous of you

He said that he can’t simply just request a day off, that it doesn’t work like that, they need him there, will be pissed off with him etc and that he has a full time, long standing job

Ok…so don’t imply that I should be working more when I’m literally unable to! Can’t have it both ways

How frustrating. Is there a holiday club DD can go to? Or have a friend’s child one day of the hols and then swap? I know you shouldn’t have to. Sometimes my husband just can’t take time off or tThere is a deadline or big deal coming up.

If this was a one off, I’d be slightly lenient - if I asked today for a day off over the Easter half term I’d have no chance (they’ve been booked out for months by my team). But, it sounds like this is part of a wider issue - it doesn’t bode well you’ve already been thinking about how you’d split time apart!

For this job, if he won’t compromise, look at a days holiday club? Maybe ask around school so she can go to one with familiar faces. Long term, I think you need to talk to your DH about how things are going to work.

I don't think she should be rushing around to sort it out. Bat it back to him. Ask him to find an alternative.

I am looking for childcare, but just resent the fact it’s all on me as a female!

In almost all the heterosexual relationships I know who have kids, the man’s job has no flexibility whereas the woman’s does. Regardless of field, stature, seniority etc. Funny coincidence that isn’t it? TBH I think men find it embarrassing to ask for time off when it is related to their children.

So he doesn't get annual leave? He's talking rubbish. Plus, a good leader needs to have things setup so it can run without them when needed.

Haha..no, he wouldn't. He'd see DD one a fortnight at best and be blind to all the thousands of women who manage to work ft and single parent.

I actually disagree with most of these responses.

I think asking to take a day of annual leave, at short notice too, is quite a big thing. Annual leave is limited - and often not easy to take during school hols / who knows what workload they have on.

But, the expectation shouldn’t be that you are default carer and available all the time for childcare (with no alternative) if you are now working.

Like all dual-income households, you now need to find proper childcare to enable you both to work. Otherwise how will this work - he has to use all his holiday days on random days where you get opportunities to work? I don’t think that’s particularly fair either.

Its not as straightforward as ‘he should take the day off’ im afraid.

Oh and he'd expect plaudits and medals for paying the legal minimum maintenance and 'at least' seeing her regularly for which you should be 'grateful'.

Well, why are you doing it then? Surely the response when he said he couldn’t take time off was ‘ok, I’ll leave you to sort out childcare then’ and drop the mike.
And why can’t he ‘just ask for time off’? Has his employer not discovered the concept of annual leave?