Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

It’s emergency leave and it’s not an emergency if known about in advance.

Where do men find these jobs that never let them just take time off?! What bollocks 🤣

If you have tried to talk to him and he isn't listening then suggest couples counselling, that usually gets them to look up from their phones! It is still a harsh reality for many women who sacrifice their careers and identity when becoming a parent. Time to turn up the heat I would say.. suggest that you would like to go full time but you would have to discuss the split of responsibilities caring for your longed for (I am assuming on both sides) DC.

Each to their own, but I don’t think it’s reasonable for parents to be like “but how can we both possibly work full time with children!”

When everyone knows it’s possible, there is an answer, they just don’t like it.

Everyone ask ing what the OPs DH brings to the marriage, I’m guessing he’s the main earner here? (Sorry if I’ve missed that)

But there is a background here of OP being around for school holidays for years and now that is changing, so it could take time to change things in the home. I think initially OP has to lead the way as it is her circs that are changing.

It’s not impossible but equally not easy to get days off at short notice, particularly during school hols / festive periods, so I would see the solution as to book a holiday club (tho I’m not sure there would be one on Good Fri?) or ask family / friends. In the event none of that is available could you, OP, ask your employer if there is any leeway on working the Thursday (when it could be easier to sort childcare) but not Good Friday? The reality is even though your working circumstances are changing, you still have a young dependant which means you can’t just agree to every working request without having childcare arrangements in place first, whatever form that takes!

Regardless of what has gone before in a relationship, when things change, both partners have to compromise to accommodate.

I think your DH could have framed it better and also helped you to source, but I think two working parents need to find childcare.

It sounds like he's using work as an excuse not to step up and do any childcare. I bet he could take one day off if he really wanted to.

It's disappointing how many men are like this - can't really be arsed with parenting and just expect their wife or partner to do it all.

wow some of these family set ups are so bizarre to me and in my circle of friends,

Dh probably does more of the holiday cover than I do - I get 5 weeks holiday a year, he gets 7 so therefore he takes more time off. this isn't a female problem, it's a setting a precedent in your family situation problem.

You have always done everything regarding your DD for much of her life where he's not been included, why have you worked and still done all the Dr's, Dentist etc? When was he given the opportunity to parent the boring stuff like these things?

who takes her to the horse riding and piano lessons? Is that you too?

what does he actually do for a job? who does any sick cover is needed, would it automatically be you?

We've been pretty equal parents since the boys were born, I do school/nursery drop offs, DH has always done pick ups. I do one extra curricular a week for them, he does the other one.

Our income is similar, and so are our working hours so maybe I've always made sure he picks up his fair share of the other stuff too, instead of inserting myself as the only one who can do things for Ds's.

You misunderstood me. I meant take a day off even if you need to connect to a specific call using the WFH tools.
Not WFH while looking after a child.

Generally the higher up you are in a workplace, the more flexibility you have. But even if that's not the case in his, the fact he's not willing to even ask for flexibility makes him a poor partner. The fact he's not willing to take any responsibility for children or finding childcare makes him a poor partner.

When he does take time off, what does he do with it?

Actually, that is exactly how an annual leave request works! Has he never booked any? What a twat!

The fact he is being inflexible suggests it's fallen on the OP the way it always falls on women, not that she's taken a child away from a poor upon man.

Nope. Most corporate jobs can manage without people for a whole day, especially that day. There are no regulatory deadlines then, no financial year end, no SEC dates, there is never a board or management committee that day, nor an important working group meeting, some accountants might be doing end of quarter, traders and front office might need to keep an eye, which most can do from home with alerts set, some have skeleton teams specified. But the op would have said if he’d replied indignantly I’m the oniy one on the equities desk that day, I’d be fired if I left. (True, if he were the only one manning the equities or rates desk)

If he can’t ask for time off why don’t you just organise childcare?

No. He'd just refuse to have her and he'd be an 'every other weekend and only if he didnt have plans' dad.

That would infuriate me. You share a child, you share a commitment to earning money to support your lifestyle, neither of your jobs is more important in that regard and he should be as invested as finding childcare as you are.

Plus he CAN request that day off. His employer can also say no, but. To not even consider asking is wildly cunty behaviour.

Bin the whole man (I am hormonal today).

Well yes that’s what i’m having to do now!

He has said in the past he’d want to do 50/50

99.9% of single mothers whose ex never sees/pays for the kids has heard the same thing.

Yeah. They all say that.
What about his behaviour so far makes you think he would actually do 50/50?
He would threaten it, more like, but if it came to it? Watch the excuses flow freely.

Behold - the mumsnet hive mind in two sentences.

I don't mean it that way, I mean and I see it a lot, that many women don't actually involve their husbands at all in any of the day to day kids stuff when they are SAHP or reduced hours, and then suddenly expect to change a precedent which has been set after years of one way.

for those years, what has he used annual leave for? and as mentioned before, has he been involved in any of the hobbies or extra curricluars?

Did you ask him directly 'can you pop a days leave in on x day as I've been asked to work?' or, as your OP sounds, expect him to volunteer to, when he's never 'needed' to use his leave for this in the past?

So he’s never taken any of his annual leave. This boy is a joke and it’s a joke you think you’re doing anything wrong. Don’t ask tell. Your job is just as important as his. These men just want it all ways

Then tell him exactly how this is making you feel and that if he doesn’t step up and do this you will separate and need to work out 50/50 because that will mean doing 50% of the pick up and drop offs