Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

Not being able to book a day off is a rubbish excuse. If he was living alone and his roof collapsed, do you think he would turn up to work? Or if he was in an accident on his way to work, the whole company wouldn’t collapse, they’ll just find a way to make it work without him.
I know, these are extreme examples, but all these men claiming they can’t take a day off actually mean they don’t want to. And please donn’t come to say « what if he is a heart surgeon », because realistically if your husband is a heart surgeon either your partner doesn’t work or you have paid childcare already in place.

Especially with WFH, most office workers can take a day off and connect to the specific meeting they « can’t » miss. My boss is doing just that today as he has a sick child.

He’d be able to request a day off easily enough if it was for something he wanted to do.

I think you need to sit him down and ask him to explain how he plans to cover 50% of the household responsibilities and childcare now that you’re back at work. That his child is also his responsibility and he needs to find capacity to manage this, however important his job may be.

It’s one of the hardest days to take off with 2 weeks notice if other people booked it off months ago. I booked that week off about 6 months ago. If I wanted to now book days off in the following week right after the Easter weekend, I probably wouldn’t be able to.

A lot of men want children but don't want to raise them. They want children for various reasons, often because their wife wants them and when they split they hardly/never see (or pay for) them and while together they see the children as basically the wife's hobby. They're often not sure why they should have to get properly involved, some don't see why they should have to spend their money on them.

If you want to stay with him I don't see this changing/improving because of his whole response to the situation.

Is there a holiday club she can go to that day/ some other childcare. In a lot of jobs you can’t just choose to take a day off at short notice and get it so he could very well be right that he can’t take it off especially if there are already meetings planned.

you need to look at childcare options.

On the contrary, it will be difficult to take off as no doubt others will be wanting this day off too - and would have booked it months ago.

I think you need to push harder.
"Dh Im working this day so you need to request this day off to look after dd"
Let him bluster and make excuses and if he asks for a response calmly repeat same thing

So he never takes leave?

Utter bollocks - he just doesn't want to use it to be a parent.

I get your point OP
Is there an alternative option of cc on the Thursday?

What does he do for a living? It seems very unusual not to be able to request leave. Or does he mean it's too short notice now?

Is there a holiday club you could book her into? Or a friend who'd have dd that day and you return the favour the following week or something like that?

I was married to someone like this. I divorced him.

There’s no value in being married to someone who thinks your time is worth less than his. Even when it very obviously isn’t.

The more you work and the more money you make the worse it will get. You need to make him understand that you can’t be both the default parent and the breadwinner. If he can’t adjust his pride appropriately then you have to separate.

No law against making a request though - it is far from unreasonable to ASK if this day could be taken as AL.

Yeah this. It does seem like short notice especially if hes in the medical field like a surgeon for example.

Obviously going forward you do both need to have a conversation about your work, your schedules/childcare arrangements etc and how it will work going full time. If hes happy with you working part time and being the default parent then the snide comments about working full time need nipped in the bud now, and you need to make him realise that now you have a child both your jobs need to me more flexible.

Another example of the misuse and abuse of WFH

He sounds like an every other weekend kind of guy

Remind him that he has been able to have both a career and a child because you were there to take the hit on your career (and pension presumably).

This would annoy me OP. Ask him how he plans to solve this issue.

Does he ever do anything alone with her?

This doesn't make sense because he's obviously allowed an annual leave allowance? He isn't expected to work every single day and he'd be giving notice in advance.

And if his employers say he can’t have time off ? A lot of employers don’t allow people to take time off at short notice, particularly around Easter

Are you a painter and decorator

Well tbh in this instance I think it is quite last minute to ask him to book it off and going forward you will both need to do what a lot of full time workers do and use paid childcare which is planned and booked in advance. It gets easier for that at school age.

Having said that, I don't dispute that you will need to divide up the chores as you increase your hours and I empathise that you might experience some push back from him on that. But hold firm, its absolutely unacceptable to assume he will never need to adapt his work schedule to provide childcare for his own child because you'll be there to do it for him.

In fairness, his job was a priority when you chose to be a sahp.
Going forward, you will both need to revisit and compromise

You can't expect him to take annual leave every time you need to work during the school holidays, that isn't how working families function. In most/many (?) families both parents work full time, at the same time, on the same days.
If, until now, you haven't been working then solutions need to be found in the form of paid or reciprocal childcare.
Either you or he can hunt around for that solution. Since you've been in charge of childcare until now, it is 100% more likely to be you.
It is a pain the arse but that's life.

Women’s jobs have flexibility because we have had to demand it because we have no other choice. How many men say “oh but I’m a solicitor/ accountant/ teacher / insert profession here I have to be at work because I’m super important” yet the women in those roles still have to take time off because they have no other option.

For those women who have truly flexible jobs it is the generation bed us that took the brunt.

Yes but he means joint custody on his own terms purely to suit him