Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

It’s not on you as a female. It’s on you as your husband is a prick. Of course he can ask for a day off. All employees can ask for a day off. It is entirely reasonable.

Well the immediate solution is you find a holiday club for your DD for that day - there are plenty around that run 8:40-5pm because working parents have way less holiday than there are school holidays - or you ask the parents of one of DD’s friends if she can spend the day with them one exchange for you having the friend for a day some other time. Or if you are really stuck, hire a babysitter for a day.

But your husband’s attitude is hopeless. It may be that he can’t take a day off at such short notice, especially in school holidays when lots of others may be off, but if so working out an alternative is a joint problem, not a mum only problem.

Just kick the ball into his court, ‘what are we going to do with DD on X day if we are both working? This will be an ongoing issue as I am now working more’ - and see what he says.

Exactly! Plus mine will bring in more money per day, it’s a piss take, how am I able to progress myself

He’s always said he’d want joint custody when we’ve talked about friends splitting

Don’t think he’s jealous of me at all, just his job is assumed to take priority, it will hold me back though if I can’t progress

I'd have probably laughed in his face and told him I really can't believe that someone that struggles so much with basic adult functions at home is really so necessary to the work place. You need to make big changes OP, don't raise your DD to believe she is beneath men and deserves to be treated like a house slave.

Yeah they usually do and then actually realise what that would mean. Some men even think they could have 50% of overnights so no maintenance but stoll want the mum to do the school runs everyday.

That's a silly suggestion. There are roles where you can't just book such last minute holiday. Mumsnet response is always - take annual leave / tell your DH to take annual leave.

Ok, but he should discuss it and come up
with a solution jointly surely, not just assume I should sort that or that my job isn’t as important

100% out of 89 is pretty compelling!

I do the lion’s share of childcare. It costs hundreds for my partner to have a day off. But as I’ve explained, several times, I CAN’T SPLIT MYSELF IN BLOODY HALF!

He tends to get off his high horse when I say that.

I guess next time you say ‘surprising but excellent news, I really hope you mean that as dd deserves a dad. I think you should start now- which two days next week are you going to take DD to school? I suggest Tuesday and Wednesday, I’ll go to the gym early. Let me know if you want to switch days. Also you’re doing dinner tomorrow. I’m excited about you being a little more present in her life.
and log it somewhere because he will probably be a jerk and you want records.

It's not just that you are female, it's because you have fallen in the trap of doing it all for years, now you are trying to change that, which is good, but you can't be surprised that he is this shit. He has never had to consider childcare because you have always sorted it

I'm not saying it's right, but this is what happens when women do everything for years, it's then expected

This particular day, adjacent to an extra long weekend, frequently has very little work done, its on of the easiest days in the year to just take off for most people. It’s not just any day.

Ah, so he wants to have the conversation about you working more and earning more, but not the conversation where he recognises that that LOGICALLY AND NECESSARILY requires HIM to step up with your DD more, and facilitate your increased hours through a fairer distribution of other tasks around the childcare and household management. Classic entitled husband who totally undermines your contributions to the household and then complains that he’s the only one “working”. I mean - you could remind him that if he were dealing with solo parenting her 50 percent of the time his life would become immeasurably harder and more complex, and how would need to just manage stuff like this, while yours would get easier- so think on that. Maybe instead, he might want to actually come to the table for an adult discussion.

Many of this generation of men are shit. They expect to not do much with the kids or housework but don’t want to be the only earner. Fuck them. What are these men for?

And then there’s men complaining women don’t need men anymore. Nope, absolutely not, selfish men children are an absolute drain.

If he wants no parental responsibility at all then he needs to be earning more, to give you more money to take a lesser job and be flexible.

This is not what feminism was about. Women’s entry into the workplace wasn’t about men stepping back from literally everything.

Is he pretending he doesn’t get annual leave?

They all say they would want 50:50, but he obviously couldn’t/wouldnt.

OP have you actually spoken to him about this? Like said you want me to work more but how can I do that without your support etc.? I know you expect him to communicate about this but you aren't doing it either.

I would pull the stops out to find a solution for that Thursday. Really rude that he won’t even ask to take the time off.

He really can tell em. What an idiot. Are you sure you want to be with him? Sounds like you might be better off without this entitled berk.

Depending on his job or company policy, this might be true - he might not be able to get the day before Good Friday off if other people already have. School holidays and the day before a long weekend.

In general, a discussion is needed around how childcare will work if you work more. And he’ll need to accept that there’ll be an impact on him.

It’s not just because you are female, he has gotten used to you being the primary parent because you stopped work for 4/5 yrs and were the primary parent. Now that you are upping your hours and taking on more work, it’s up to you to manage the childcare solution.

What is his profession? It would be helpful to know as some doubt whether he can’t ask for time off at such short notice.

Have you thought about stopping being self employed and becoming an employee with a set schedule? It’s not as lucrative but the drop everything last minute to work on weekends or holidays isn’t very friendly to family life. If you prefer being self-employed then I think you need to establish boundaries like not working on holidays and not accepting jobs without enough notice for your DH to take off work now that you have a family.

@ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead book the job. Text him & tell him you've booked the job & can he ask if he can have the day off so you have an answer by the end of today. If he can't/says no tonight you then say ok WE need to sort out childcare for dd on that day. What are your suggestions? (and saying well you just sort it is not an option).
You will probably be the one to do it. BUT give him some hassle too.

Could she go to a grandparent/relative & stay over the night before so you can just go with no faff in the morning? You ask your parents, he asks his.

Is there anyone at the nursery she used to go to who does babysitting?

Sorry he's being such a selfish inconsiderate prat.

Pretty much nailed it here but also far too many women facilitate this

He should definitely try and get it off. Long term you need to do what we had to do, split school holidays between our annual leave and use childcare for the rest. Even though you are self employed i would still do this so he has to step up.