Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

The issue isnt whether he can get the day off, I dont get why everyone is fixated on that! We all know that there are jobs where it is almost impossible to get a short notice day off outside of an emergency.

The issue is that he clearly doesnt see childcare for his own kids as his problem. He sees it as the OP's problem to solve, as if they are nothing to do with him! That he he refused to even discuss it shows that. If he had said "no I wont be able to but I can ask my mum if she can have them" shows a willingness to work together to find a solution.

Especially bad considering he is going on at the OP to work more!

But he isn’t unwell and unable to work? He hasn’t had an accident either. These are extenuating circumstances, so it wouldn’t be emergency cover.

I obviously have no idea how senior he is, or his role, but seniority can make it harder to take leave.

For example, I can’t be off at the same time as our other director or our CEO. There’s only 3 of us, if they’re both already off - I literally cannot be.

Our teams have a minimum staffing level of 5, but there’s 15 per team. So far easier to take leave at their level, as there’d have to be 10 people off before it became a problem.

Please tell me that he will be paying for half of this childcare if you don’t have all money pooled.

I am cross on your behalf op. He can't have it both ways and no one is that important they can't take time off..how does he manage his annual leave?

I don't think you have given him short notice and even if you have he can help find a club for your LO to go / ask grandparents as well. It's not just your problem to fix.

Can I suggest going forward he has to be responsible for one drop off and one pickup a week - he needs to feel the responsibility. He also has to have responsibility for X amount of time in the holidays for either taking time off to be at home with LO or book clubs / organise childcare.

Both my husband and I have senior roles and we both do drop off pick up etc so your husband is being a twat and needs to feel and learn some responsibility.

Hope you get to do the job x

My husband and I are divorced and I’m still trying to get him out of the house. I’ve no idea how he will manage his 50%. His work comes before everything. Even his own health. He frequently has client dinners, day trips away and week long trips away. I’ve always just had to drop anything I’ve had planned to deal with these. I think this is why he is putting off moving out. On another thread I’ve said that I don’t want his parents looking after them.

Not in the slightest
we have to have minimum number to safely run our service
all rotas go out 7 weeks in advance in the first week we can request swaps A/L then week 6 it’s finalised
It’s the nature of the job they are far from unreasonable

Your employer will expect you to share emergency time off with the other parent. That is what being a parent requires.

I’m on the fence here.

1. he’s being inflexible but he may genuinely have a role where last minute requests are challenging. I suspect he could try a little bit harder though and would have got more used to it if you hadn’t been a sahm during the pre-school years. I don’t think it’s possible to get through nursery years and illness without a bit of flex from both parents if they’re working.

2. On the other hand, you don’t need to default to him taking leave to cover holidays. Get your daughter booked into a holiday club and you’re sorted.

3. now your daughter is school age you need a plan for both of your annual leave. We have a joint spreadsheet generally working 1-2 years in advance once term dates are confirmed. It is inevitable he will have to take some time on his own to do childcare if you’re working otherwise it’s an inefficient use of annual leave.