Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

And he didn't even ask just said no!
He didn't even say that he couldn't because Rosie and Jim are already off or I don't think so but I'll ask

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp vanishingly few jobs ? Really?

I can think of hundreds of jobs where you couldn’t just have a day off at the drop of the hat. Our rotas are done 8 weeks in advance so aside for sickness staffing/ annual leave is took into consideration for that 8 week period. Therefore its a minimum of 8 weeks notice to request annual leave (NHS).

MIL is in retail- they have 4 weeks notice
DH - engineering- 4 weeks notice
DD- admin - 6 weeks notice

thats just off the top of my head. My husbands team has 3 of them, only one staff member can be off per week (barring emergency/sickness). Most places i know have minimum staffing numbers per day. Even in an office i assume that all the admin team couldn’t be off the same say or week.

? No 😂

Of course he can request a day off, that's how holiday entitlement works!
It doesn't guarantee they'll say yes, but they won't if he doesn't ask. His unwillingness to even do that is the issue.
There are other options of course - paid childcare, friends and family etc. But you're a family, this is about managing family time, it's his child too.
And how billy-big-balls is his job anyway, especially if you're going to be out earning him for this assignment? (that's another part of the subtext, isn't it? the "my job's so important and i'm so important in it that I couldn't possibly request time off to do something as menial as look after my own child")

Yes, attending meetings on your day off is so abusive. Poor employers.

I work in corporate demanding job and your set up is unusual. We are talking about a day not a week long holiday. 2 weeks notice is plenty

To be fair the Thursday before Easter is pretty short notice now, my work wouldn’t let me have it off either (unless sickness/family emergency on the day) a lot of jobs do have a requirement to cover shifts regardless of pay grade. I would use this as an opportunity to work out what options you have next time a short notice job comes up for you.

If you get regular hours, I think that’s the time to look at your DH shift patterns and how to fit kids in (for example I do majority of school runs but my DH has moved his work half day to the one when I work a late so the kids are covered).

I can think of hundreds of jobs where a parent can have a day off at a few days' notice. The day before Good Friday might be very quiet as many people will be on AL.

I get grief when I suggest on here that women need to stop going part time/being SAHP by default. It is precisely because of the situation you now find yourself in.

It took 9 years for DH to persuade me to have DD, and it was on the basis that once I had done the growing, delivering and feeding bit no element of parenting would be dictated by which genitals we have. DH changed his entire approach to work once she arrived and by the time she was 2, he was doing far more of the parenting and domestic stuff to enable me to take jobs involving lots of travel and responsibility whilst maintaining his career.

Ultimately, you’ve made it far too easy for your DH to have all the parenting fun with none of the responsibility, and it’s time for a rebalance. If he is unwilling to adapt in order to support you with your work, then he gets binned and loses out. You’re clearly capable of doing it all and earning good money, so his having a dick is no excuse for him not doing the same.

That's just an excuse. EVERYONE is entitled to time off and everyone has the right to urgent parental leave. The only thing stopping him taking that day off is his attitude.

Unless he is a consultant surgeon or in the forces and on deployment, he's making excuses.

@BlackRowan wow 😱 (and that isn’t sarcastic) I’m genuinely shocked. Everyone i know couldn’t give two weeks notice for time off.

Maybe its the demographic of my area where alot is shift work/ construction/ maufacturing/ trade etc rather than corporate type jobs, but like i say i’m NHS and our trust policy is 8 weeks.

Honestly, if he is in a "responsible position" and OP hasn't mentioned shifts or rotas, he is probably working in a professional job where a request for one day's leave with two weeks' notice is going to be fine - it will would be in our organisation. He just doesn't want to. What would they do if he needed a day off sick if he's so indispensable? What wheels does he think are going to fall off if he's not there for that day?

I have to say if anyone in my team asked me for Maundy Thursday off now, they’d be out of luck.

We did the Easter holiday cover planning weeks ago, everyone already has their holidays in - many of them related to childcare over the holidays, and not changeable. Annual leave during the holidays is a little bit “snooze you lose.”

It definitely is possible to work more hours/full time as a mum, but you do have to be happy to pay for out of school childcare, and have a partner who contributes properly.

But would that not mean its more likely to be declined 🤔 … if people are already off on annual leave … there needs to be someone in to work. Sorry not meaning to be argumentative i’m just genuinely suprised at the amount of people who can get time off at such short notice. In my 17 years off qualified working i’ve never had that luxury it’s enlightening.

Ultimately it’s not about this particular date though. This prince amongst men hasn’t AT ANY POINT taken responsibility for his daughter
The OP has reached a straw on the camels back situation over this one, but in reality he has done sweet FA for literally years. Now that’s on OP too to an extent for putting up with his shit so far and he’s pushed it too far this time by whinging that she doesn’t work enough to suit His Royal Highness whilst refusing to be part of the solution
The issues run a whole lot deeper than one day of childcare

I think it depends on the work. If you have something where you are dealing with the general public, or in a 24/7 business, yes you need cover all the time, but if it's a corporate job, or something like software development then it might not matter if nobody is in on a particular day.

Not really, as that would only have to cross his mind if he then was taking on more parenting if you separated. Again something that unfortunately can’t be forced. And many can simply just get out of, I have this with my ex. Easter Hols is approaching I will just be expected to cover it, unless he fancies doing anything.

I asked DH once could he do the school run so I could do my driving theory test. I did all the school runs, all the housework and worked part time. He really huffed about it.
Then on the day it was 500 questions about where do you drop them off blah blah. Exhausting!
He is doing this so you don’t ask again.
He could at least ask work and then see what happens. Time off for his child might be looked on more leniently?

Its annoying to have to keep sorting this out just because you are the mum. This is the cross I bare and I am super annoyed at myself for letting it continue.
This won’t be the only time this happens either (from my experience!) so look into reliable holiday clubs. Worth their weight in gold. School may also run one?

It depends on the job. I don't take Fridays off, for example, because it is such a quiet day that I get an awful lot done. It's a head down and crack on day.
If it's quiet, there may only need to be minimal cover.

What's weird is that 3/4 of my team always work Fridays for this reason. We work from home on them and usually only communicate if necessary.
We shift a lot more work when not interrupted.

I think this does happen a lot. Kids are at school, people are straight away oh great mum can now work full time. No thought to school holidays or the fact that school actually finishes around 3pm.

Don’t know what kind of work your DH does, but where I work annual leave for the Easter Holidays was booked up 6 months ago. No way would I be able to get a random day off at this short notice.

After school clubs, holiday clubs, childminders, nurseries that do drop off/collect?

It’s all well and good saying you don’t want to work full time because it’s logistically difficult, and childcare can be expensive. But it’s certainly not impossible!

It really does depend on the job you do. I manage my own time and my own work so book annual leave off around that.
I work at a university so we obviously have to make sure teaching is covered but other than that the rest of your time is to manage as you see fit.

Most of the team I manage will be off over easter - I've not made a note of it though as they are trusted to make sure work commitments are sorted.

No it's not impossible. Just can't imagine putting my kids into holiday clubs in the holidays or to a childminder. I feel bad enough shipping them off to grandparents.

Wow. My mum was in admin at a university and could totally book Thursday two weeks away off. So could my admin at work in financial services. Dh is an engineer, manager level and he can too easily. He has actually just booked that day off.
the op would have phrased it differently if he were working an essential retail shift/ engineer maintenance shift /was a paramedic etc. All of which are shift jobs while it sounds like he has a 9 to 5.
I just don’t think we get any vibe at all of there’s a genuine work reason, more why should isn’t that what mums are for? My dh used to assume/hope I could just take the leave for dc being sick because I can wfh (read above- he’s an engineer). I tore strips off him and his assumption that my work matters less. I hadn’t even spoken to him this week before he updated me childcare had called and dc3 was sick and he was on his way to get her. All of these men can leave work for family reasons they just don’t think family are important enough.