Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

He'd find a woman to do it. His mum or a 'nanny with a fanny'.

He is being honest. He cannot just not turn up for work without consequence. Or claim to be sick when he is not. He is telling you the reality of his work and employer.
If you expect him to take annual leave then say so. But, given it is so close to Easter most employers will have organised cover for Easter leave way long before now. You might be luck and he can get the Thursday. Or were you wanting him to have two weeks annual leave ?
He will only have so much leave every year.
You seem to want to have a pop at him. I would wonder about that more.

this is why the birth rate is tanking - this expectation on women to ‘do it all’ is ridiculous.

I don’t know what the answer is -( I don’t want to be a handmaiden!) but frankly the modern society set up for women does not work. There is zero support for mothers - from employers , from the state, from husbands.
Thats a whole other thread but really you have to think about your self worth and whether you would rather be a single parent and keep your boundaries; or give in and stay in ‘a family unit’ whatever that means.. maybe not much in your case given his shit attitude.
lots of luck to you x

i work with men and women and quite a few of the men do school drop-offs and pickups, and ask for AL during school holidays.
MN fathers seem to be from the 1950s.

I think you need to start regularly referring to him as a “working dad” just to hammer the point home.

It's very common with husbands, unfortunately, and their big man's jobs.
Just book a club for her on that day or call your mom/sister and ask to babysit.

What exactly is his job? Because in every one I've ever worked in that's literally exactly "how it works" - if anything 2 weeks in advance would be seen as quite a lot of notice, I've asked for the afternoon off in the morning before with no issue.

Obviously all jobs are different but I don't see how "long standing" or "fulltime" is relevant at all - if anything it's easier for someone who has been there a while and is seen as trustworthy and responsible to get a bit of a favour and flexibility, compared to someone who only started 2 weeks ago. And if he's full time he will have more AL to use than if he was part time.

In any case if it's any sort of decent employer nobody would penalise him for asking even if the answer was sorry, no. As youve said it's the complete abdication of responsibility rather than working with you to try to find a solution that's really dickish.

Agree with the posters saying if you split up he'd rope some other woman into stepmum babysitting-there have been several threads on here recently from women in that exact position.

Google emergency nanny and find one in your area. Here's an example
https://www.freckleschildcare.co.uk/for-families

Tell him you've found an agency that can cover the day at short notice. It's £35 per hour plus £40 registration fee. 12 hours cover is needed so that's £460 for the day and you'll cover half or take it out of the joint account.

Either that's an acceptable solution or he'll find he can take a day off magically....

I think there’s something in the fact that you’d earn twice as much as him per day. Lots of manchild egos can’t cope with that.

Playing devil's advocate can he not get it off? Does he already know that its not an option? There are certain dates my dh cant get off or to many of his staff are off so he needs to be in. If he is being lazy and everything is falling on you childcare wise its time to kick up.

My experience is that men just see themselves as the default important person and will never assume responsibility for childcare unless forced.

I consider my DH to be pretty good (he was a stay at home dad for a while) but I still have to make sure he steps up and does his part now that he both work. It’s boring but in advance of each holiday we sit down with diaries and make plans. I also make sure he takes on organising childcare some of the time. Not trying to blame women but if you always pick this stuff up by default no one will ever make an effort to take it off you.

I also find that men care so much more what colleagues and other adults think about them. They are happy to piss of colleagues over their family. I think women are the other way round? I tend to get my validation from my family as my husband tends to get his from work.

But not your dad or brother?

Men who won't parent their own offspring is the absolutely biggest ick.

As someone who was in your dh's position - FT employed and constrained by employer, work annual leave etc, and dh self employed so more flexible/less fixed hours - it isn't as black and white as you are making out. I wouldn't have been able to do random last minute childcare either if I had work commitments.

If your work hours are increasing it is a tricky balance in the interim period between adhoc needs for changes to usual childcare schedule and a permanent change to fixed childcare to allow you to work FT.

If your current scenario had happened to us, dh would have tried to find alternative child care (family) and I would have asked my family. If that didn't work he would have asked if I could have the day off. If I said I couldn't because I had something on at work he would have accepted that as he understood the constraints of being employed by someone else.

Your self employment is driving this issue. If you want you want flexibility for your self employment you (as a team) need to pay for childcare to be available to give you that flexibility, or discuss if your dh could perhaps look to have a flexible occupation too and you schedule around each other.

As it stands now, your dh has FT employed commitments (and there are benefits to both of you that he does) and you are being unreasonable.

I can see both sides of the argument, no you shouldn’t be default parent and he can’t resent you working.

However myself or my husband can’t just take a day off as and when despite having annual leave etc. My annual leave has to be in 8 weeks in advance minimum and tbh for school holidays up to a year in advance to allow for staffing. Husbands is slightly more flexible but still should be 4 weeks in advance minimum and again he would need to allow extra for school holidays. Obviously if there was an emergency or sickness thats different but this isn’t the case here so it might be he actually can’t have time off this short notice. So on that front YABU.

Also you may earn more on this one job however he has consistent money where as yours is more ad hoc by the sounds of it. So yes this one job may earn more than his one day off but overall his wages are offering security. I think long term you need more structure to your work so he can build in flexibility. Most jobs don’t offer the flexibility your wanting at the drop of a hat.

This.

There are vansihingly few jobs where ONE day of is totally impossible.
vanishingly few.

you and the family should be the priority not convenience his employer ....
And honestly id be making it clear if he isnt willing to make concessions so you can progress your career you'll be looking to separate.

If you believe this is a genuine concern of his, rather than an excuse, push him to try. My dh was similar in that he believed that nothing could interfere with his Big Important Job (he never pushed me to return to work mind, or resented my low earning power) but when I insisted surprise, surprise, the world had moved on and it was fine. He ended up compressing his hours to do a day of childcare, and later wfh a day a week to do school drop offs/pick ups.

He probably like wouldn’t see her weekdays
bw a Disney dad and just have her on weekends
or get a nanny with a fanny to assist him

I think it would be mad for him to take AL so you can work. That’s what holiday camps are for. Equally, it’s mad that you both work and he seems to do absolutely FA for the house or family. If you work less than him it should be like a 60:40 split or whatever would accurately describe your work hours.

look it’s not going to change overnight (if at all). You need to level with him that a day of your work brings double the money he can earn so if push comes to shove it makes more sense if he takes the day off. You need to have a broader conversation with him about you not being the default parent.

its not a short notice to take one day off, its TWO weeks away!
me and my DH both work in demanding jobs and earn similar. Somehow at one point when a child was ill or nanny was ill I was expected to take a day off (on the day! Same day notice) or WFH around that, load my mat leave. I had to have a conversation that it’s not fair so we now try to balance. My husband does about half of these days
, and again we are talking about taking a day off at same day notice.

Where are you posting from, 1952?
Perhaps her mum and sister (why are you assuming she even has them, or that they live nearby) are both working too!

I'd drop anything to look after my niece/nephew if it was an emergency - but being asked to lose a day of my AL rather than my brother in law taking his-fuck that!

DH grumbled about who would do pick ups when i increased my hours.

I said 'i can understand you being pissed off as Ive never supported you in your career...Oh no, wait a minute - and then I listed all the things Id done to help him work.'

He did get the message

Why is it mad? A day of his AL costs half of what OP will earn for that day.
It might even be less than a cost of a holiday club!

I'm sorry, it seems that you're married to a misogynist who assumes that childcare is always a woman's responsibility.