AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

In my neck of the woods, five is the transition age. Most parents drop and go, but it the child (or parent) is particularly anxious the parent stays.

It's no help this time, but I would try and get to know the other mums better. There are going to be a lot more parties and playdates to navigate over the years and if you can get to know and trust some of the other parents it will make things a lot more easy for you.

@LittleMyLabyrinth I’d not accept invitations in that case. He’s not mature enough. Most parties are with school friends and don’t have older dc there. If dc cannot manage 2 hours away and he’s not joining in, avoid for the time being. Parties are not obligatory and hosts can say yes or no to parents hovering and other dc.

This was exactly what most parties were when my kids were young. Soft play parties and such just weren't a thing, and the idea of spending so much money on a party wasn't a thing either. So parties were at home and were drop offs. And we never had any issues with kids behaviour.

My kids are 13 and 9 so still party age for my younger one. We’ve had a few years of outside parties just to keep it easy but he’s asked for a home party this year. Sleepover so just 5 of them and there certainly won’t be any other parents around. In fact I think my husband is going out that evening himself so will just be me.

My daughter was super timid at that age (turns out she’s autistic and has sensory challenges) so I stayed when I could (soft play etc) and said no thank you when it would be awkward and that was fine too. I certainly didn’t rock up with my son and expect to be invited in!

I was surprised at a recent party that people were dropping and leaving their 5 year olds but mainly because mine isn't ready/i wouldn't have expected my friend who was hosting to be dealing with other kids on top of everything else. I'm glad i know now so can prepare for my child's party better but i don't think it's unusual to want to stay with your child at that age.

In your situation I'd reply 'Sorry, I didn't realise it's a drop and go party. Freddy isn't quite ready for that yet so he can't make it but I hope Johnny has a fab day x'

If it's a home party with not much space it's probable that all the parents are being asked to drop and go, so I wouldn't make any mention of your other DC in your reply so it doesn't come across as you asking them to change their mind.

What will happen when it's youngest child turn to attend parties if you are there with them? What do you do with your elder one who may be 8 or 9

How do gets become " ready" then? I

You leave the 5 year old there and go home with 2 year old. At 5 they're fine to be left. Don't let your son miss out on fun childhood activities because of your heightened anxiety.

@Thechaseison71 When the parent lets go. They don’t trust other parents. It’s somewhat irrational but they don’t care much about dc being ready or not, they just want parental control. It’s highly likely nothing will go wrong because parties are inevitably with school friends. They know the children and the dc presumably goes to school all day on his own. There’s little logic here when it comes to parties; just unfounded worries.

I think getting overwhelmed at Reception age is perfectly normal when first getting used to parties! If I kept him home how would he build up the resilience and independence to do it later? YMMV but at that age kids were still inviting their whole class and renting a hall and entertainer. Big siblings have always been welcome to avoid people declining due to childcare, and because they were usually recent ex-classmates anyway (small infant school, close-knit community). Parents always stayed to socialise with each other and because 15 - 20 children should have more than one family to keep an eye on them. Lots of parents with little ones and prams too. Smaller parties were either soft play type thing (most parents stay but close friends might carpool the kids) or more informal at home. Nobody is obliged to do it this way, of course, but nobody would think I was 'hovering' by staying at a party in my community.

I'd decline the invitation, no way would I leave my child in the care of someone I barely knew.

I feel like parents staying at parties is a recent thing. My entire time growing up and attending a lot of parties, not once did my or any other parents stay at parties. Kids were dropped off and picked up.

They're not being unreasonable. If they don't have room and you're not being unreasonable to have your own safety standards, so I think you'll have to decline this one.

@amber763 I agree. It’s because the parties seem to include parents! If the party doesn’t you drop dc off and go. In my school community hardly anyone had class parties as there were 30 in the class. It’s not reasonable for lots of parents to hang around in someone’s house. Very quickly DDs friends had parties that were treats, eg a trip to the cinema for just a few dc. No parents.

Drop & go or don’t go at all.
Unless the party is in a big hall it’s unreasonable to think there would be space for a parent & sibling for every child invited.

In a class of 25 kids, that would make 75 people. If it was your party, would you have enough room for that number??? So often on here parents complain their kid has been left out of invites as not enough space to invite everyone in the class, so be grateful your child has been invited and reciprocate when the time comes. If you start being like that now with the first party invite, wave goodbye to others, word soon gets round and your child will be the first to get cut from the next invite list. Don’t let your issues & insecurities rub off on the next generation. It’s highly unlikely any harm will be done so take the couple of hours as free childcare and spend it with your toddler.

I also work in safeguarding op and tbh I feel 4 is much younger than I'd be comfortable leaving them unattended at a strangers home. I'm surprised so many on here are OK with this actually, there's not a chance in hell I'd be leaving my child in that scenario. Even from a physical safety perspective how is the other mum planning to manage that many kids alone, who else has she arranged to help and who are they etc.

I would be inclined to message the mum back and say "i totally understand and just to clarify I wouldn't ever expect for 2yo to be involved in what you've planned and would bring them their own snacks and keep them occupied while the rest get on with the party but if space is an issue (I know what it's like hosting) then that's no problem but we'll have to give it a miss as I don't think dc is quite ready to stay solo yet. Maybe we can arrange a playdate for them separately and can do a mini celebration for Xdc then, let me know when suits if you'd like to do that."

Just so she knows you weren't expecting your 2yo to be accommodated and paid for in the party but also you're not going to be leaving a 4yo unattended.

I think it's hard op because as demonstrated on this thread people have very different thresholds for what they feel comfortable with and you can't be worried about offending when it comes to what's right for your kids. You probably should have phrased it as "is it alright if 2yo comes with their own snacks and I keep them entertained" rather than telling, but can't do anything about that now just chalk it up to experience.

Is it illogical? Really? When we look at the stats for domestic abuse, sexual abuse and abuse of children? When we look at the fact some 5/6 year old children now have full access to their own smart phones?

I work in safeguarding and tbh it's very worrying to me when I hear parents describe this as unfounded worries. Op is being very appropriate.

School is a completely different situation, very structured, trained and back ground checked staff monitoring the children, policies and processes to keep children safe in place and no random adults about. Children are only with their peers.

A party in a random house you've no idea what older siblings could be present, older relatives or neighbours drafted in to 'help', if there will be alcohol or those adults will be drinking, if there's a pattern of abuse in the home. If the children have access to Internet and how that's being monitored. If they have an open door policy when kids are playing together. If they have large dogs in the home etc. Not a clue. So don't gaslight a parent for being worried about sending a 4yo off int a strange house on their own for a few hours. How does a 4 year old get back in contact with their mother if someone makes them feel uncomfortable at a party?

I always allow single mums to bring siblings to parties as the children would miss out otherwise as they just couldn’t come if the other kids couldn’t.
however I expect them to ask not tell me! And I host parties at soft plays etc not at home- at home there isn’t space for buggies etc.
You need to arrange childcare for 2yo (if you don’t have options for this, you need to develop them via play dates with mum friends, get a cleaner tha can babysit, etc - I’ve had to build up these supports which means investing time and money!), ask a mum who is going to the party to bein charge of your child too, or sit this one out.

Whrn my kids were little it was the norm for kids to be dropped as soon as they were able to use the toilet independently. Kids who could be independent with the right parenting are infantilised!

But it's far more likely that a child's own relative or close family friends would be the abuser

Children around here are as well. Safeguarding has gone a bit insane, sorry.

I think it’s very unrealistic to expect a nearly 2 year old to sleep through the noise of a party and, if they wake up, not join in. Either take them for a walk and drop off your older child or decline the invite.

Only because there's greater opportunity. By leaving young children alone in a house during a party partially unsupervised you are creating an opportunity. That is the issue.

In reality though the kids are not unsupervised during a party. There's going to be at least 6 of them . And some adults.

I don't think you're wrong to want to stay with your 5 year old. My son is 7 and every parent still stays. I've worked in Safeguarding, and I've left an abusive ex so have seen too much and know how well people can hide their true selves. There are now a couple of parents who are at the point of leaving their child with me for a playdate, they now I have a DBS and we have built a relationship where we understand each other's parenting styles. I would not be leaving my child with an acquaintance that I say hello to on school pick up. My children are learning to trust their gut, about consent, not keeping secrets etc. But I know that neither of them would ask to phone me for an early pick up just becayse that takes a next level of confidence.

I would politely decline the party and thank her for the invite. I would then be organising playdates so that you can build relationships to work towards these situations.

Unfortunately it isn't all people who are bad, but it is some. And it isn't tattooed in their forehead... wish it was.

And your job and history have made you more aware of the dangers then the normal person. Once it happens to a child/person, it is extremely hard to work through it.