AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

If you think your child might get upset or difficult make sure you leave a contact number and say you will be happy to come back if necessary. The first time you leave them is a bit of a step in the dark.

It's not 40 years ago those is it? My DS was dropped off at parties at 5. That was 17 years ago not 40

I think you would be better off just declining the invitation.

I think you should say a family matter has come up rather than saying, hinting or implying that your boy can't go because you and the toddler can't stay because that would really be an attempt to make her feel bad and why should she.

Agree with other PP, you were very cheeky and that smiley face at the end of your text would have had me spitting feathers!

Whilst I understand DC not being mature enough to be left (I would only leave DS from about 8 as he needs supervision) you should have said "I cant come because of toddler" and left it open for her to say ok or bring the toddler.

Fwiw I have had multi child playdates from reception where I have 5 or so kids over to play unaccompanied (but they are girls so relatively sensible 🤣🤣) and I would drop and go on playdates from reception.

You were a bit clumsy and assumed. I would apologise and back track on tagging along. In my experience parents do not stay at house parties. It’s a learning curve op for sure.

Yes, exactly this.

I always stayed with DC1 at parties until they were 7. I’d been at parties that were drop offs and always noticed far too many opportunities for kids to get lost/wander off and I wanted to wait until DC was old enough to 100% know that’s not what you do. DC1 is very trustworthy but they were also very young. I’d say if you’re not comfortable OP then don’t send them.

Honestly parties are a minefield 🤣
I also work in child protection so I am quite paranoid tbf. That first time leaving them was hard. I would say he can come but you give them your number and walk your napping child around in the pram away from the venue. Have a look on google maps and see if there is a costa or something nearby so you can have a coffee while you wait. Once my kids had been successfully left once they rarely wanted me there again 🤣

And seventeen years ago people had grades rather than numbers at GCSE, we were still in the EU, Gordon Brown was PM and everyone had blackberries. Things change.

I’d just stay parked up outside then you’re right there and toddler can nap

You were incredibly rude to tell her you were bringing a 2 year old. I mean seriously who does that?! You should have asked very, very politely. Even if parents were asked to stay you shouldn't have assumed they would also want your toddler. Talk about entitled.

Home parties are usually parent drop off, but some don't mind if you stay in my experience but that is usually stated before hand. If you don't feel comfortable leaving 5 year old then decline.

Well you have two choices really. Let your son go and pick him up when it’s finished, or decline the invite.

The 2 year old isn’t invited. You say they will ‘probably’ be asleep. Chances are at a party they aren’t going to be and then it puts pressure on the people hosting. My friend is like this, she recently went to a toddlers sensory party and refused to leave her 6 year old at home because ‘he would just be on the iPad’. Well guess what happened when he got there, joined in all the activities. It made it very awkward as the person hosting didnt bring enough supplies. She also took her twins to her 6 year olds school friend party. They weren’t invited but like you ‘oh they will be asleep’…they weren’t, ended up eating more of the buffet that most of the other kids combined, scoffed cake that should have gone home for family to eat and started having a tantrum when they couldn’t play pass the parcel because their weren’t enough layers. I really do think the entitlement that siblings are invited to everything is nuts.

I can understand being nervous about leaving your 5 year old, but your childcare issues aren’t the problem of the other parents, so like I said, let him go and pick him up later or decline the invite.

I agree, I’m going to a party at the weekend and have a 6 month old baby who will
literally be strapped to me in a carrier for the duration, they definitely won’t be joining in and I still asked the host if they are okay with my bringing the baby. She was as she has a baby herself but if she said no, I wouldn’t have been bothered one bit.

My then 5 year old was dropped off at that kind of party 2.5 years ago.

You know the host may have already declined others having siblings, you never know about logistics.

Honestly though, if you aren't comfortable letting your child go to play dates alone yet, then it's best you decline parties you can't attend yourself, for now.

You have been through a lot, maybe you could work on your own therapy by focussing on how to teach your 5 year old to be safe(r). Life happens and you never know who may cross a childs path, so you have to arm them now.

My 10yr old DC was touched inappropriately by a school friend, she came home and told me straight away. She knew I wouldn't panic or be anxious, she just knew I would help her sort it. Unfortunately I did have to change her school and now am working on her understanding that the circumstances led us to this choice, nothing she did wrong. Parenting is a minefield, you have to give them space to grow with confidence that you have their back. That doesn't mean you have to let them go to places you are uncomfortable with, ever. It means you take baby steps. Good luck

I think this is one of those "firsts" where you feel worried .Due to your background you are super concerned .But unless he misses all parties until 18 it will be difficult! Maybe take toddler for a walk as PP said up thread .Just settle him in and maybe arrive in good time for collection.

I have an almost 2 year old and there is no way she’d be sleeping with a party going on. She’d want to be right in the thick of it and it would be a nightmare for me to keep her away from the toys and food. I would only take her if she was invited so she was welcome to play/eat and not a nuisance

I think the key thing is that you told the other parent you were coming and bringing another child. You didn't ask. You assumed parents would be staying. But didn't ask. Either you're happy to leave you son for a couple of hours or you're not, but if you're not then you should let the other parent know he's not going to attend.

@ThatWorthyMooseI don’t think you are being unreasonable not wanting to leave them. I live in a small village and generally know the parents pretty well and most other children at parties. I sometimes drop and go, but am definitely in the minority and do get a bit of Mum guilt for doing so!
In our group it’s pretty much accepted that babies and young toddlers attend, but don’t expect food/party bags/extras etc, unless at a paid for venue. That said there is always food leftover for little ones and parents!

Agree. It's very presumptious to assume its ok for 2 year old to come.

It's a general term for being able to speak up for what you need. So if something/someone made him uncomfortable, something upsetting or dangerous happened, he got hurt, or he needed something/help with something, would he feel confident speaking up for himself with strange adults? I've been to a party where a bigger kid was pushing him around. Nobody else noticed because only my eye was on my kid. When he was littler (4 or 5) I've been to parties where he just got too distressed/overwhelmed and asked to go home. Bottom line is I want to be there for him regardless.

If partys only 2 hours long and your dc wants to go let dc attend. 2 hours isn't too long though I do understand your concerns .tricky one

I think regardless of your background the mum is being very clear: drop off or decline. There isn't a middle ground so upu need to make a decision.

My DC are at secondary now, but I had annual big birthday parties for them all through primary years, starting in reception.
I am pretty easygoing by nature, but I would have been really pissed off by your text.
"I'll have 2 year old in tow..."
Errr......no you won't, cos they're not invited!
Such a rude assumption to make, that the host will welcome your 2 your old in to her home and join in with her DC's party.
Of course a 2 year old is going to want to climb out of their buggy and run around joining in with the play and the party games with a load of 4 to 5 year olds!
Host knows that.
Presumably her DC, whose birthday party it is, doesn't even know your 2 year old so why would you make that child have to accept your 2 year old at their party?
Also why would you presume it's ok for you to plan on taking your toddler's buggy into her house and parking it in a room where it will be completely in the way of her having a house full of 4 - 5 year olds running around!
Honestly you have been rude and presumptuous to the host on so many levels.
I admire her direct response to you.

I wouldn't leave a 5 year old at a party either x. But I do think you should've asked about the toddler coming along rather than told.