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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

235 replies

ThatWorthyMoose · 20/03/2026 02:13

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

OP posts:
Holdmybeermoment · 20/03/2026 08:12

Where did you plan for your 2 year old to nap? And have you never taken a toddler to a place with loads of kids and noise? They tend to get overstimulated and play, not nap. So you’d have been chasing them around trying timo keep them out the way of the actually invited kids and the activity.

DisappearingGirl · 20/03/2026 08:22

I don't think the OP needs more and more people piling on telling her she is rude. I'm guessing she assumed it was okay to stay because that's what's always happened (her kid is only 4). It might also have been taken as rude if she'd assumed she could just drop off. The other mum gave a straightforward reply so I'm sure she's not mortally offended.

I agree that 4/5 is very borderline for leaving them. It depends on a lot of things: what your child is like, how well you know the family, how many people will be there etc. I think it was around 5/6 that more people started dropping off but as others have said, if another parent was staying I'd sometimes ask them to keep an eye (and return the favour at another party).

I'm sure he'll be okay if you do drop off but equally I don't think it's the end of the world to opt out of this one - in a year or so you'll probably feel happier with dropping off.

Revoltingpheasants · 20/03/2026 08:25

icreatedascene · 20/03/2026 07:47

Of course, but if every invitee assumes this you could end up with 15 mums and toddlers in prams!

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Yeah and I get that but it is unlikely and I do think it’s a bit churlish to just refuse given that the OPs DH is away. But it’s her call ultimately.

MrsClattenburg · 20/03/2026 08:27

For those of you who wouldn't leave your (5 year old) child at a party, I presume you leave them if they go to a friend's house for tea after school or to play during the day?

Revoltingpheasants · 20/03/2026 08:28

MrsClattenburg · 20/03/2026 08:27

For those of you who wouldn't leave your (5 year old) child at a party, I presume you leave them if they go to a friend's house for tea after school or to play during the day?

I don’t think I would to be honest, unless it was a sort of prearranged babysitting arrangement which I haven’t really done but can see how it might occur.

Icecreamandcoffee · 20/03/2026 08:33

First lesson. You do not bring siblings along to home parties unless the host has explicitly said siblings welcome. Your RSVP was cheeky, a 2yd old will not nap at this party, they will want to join in. 2 year olds will change the vibe of the party and is possibly not the only younger sibling of your boys friend group whose parents might want to tag them along.

It is up to you regarding sending your child and collecting later. How likely is your little boy to be happy about being left? Could you find someone else to mind the sibling? If not your little boy will just have to miss out this time.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/03/2026 08:35

MrsClattenburg · 20/03/2026 08:27

For those of you who wouldn't leave your (5 year old) child at a party, I presume you leave them if they go to a friend's house for tea after school or to play during the day?

My five year olds (OK now 6) don't go round their mates house for tea. Is that really a thing at 5?

Anyway op, I'd probably go with a "sorry, didn't mean to imply she'd be joining in, fully expect her to be napping in her pram at that time but if you're sore you're happy to have him, I'll talk to him tonight".

It clarified you weren't being a CF, gives one last opportunity for her to decide if she will let you come and gives you holding space to talk to DS and make it about his comfort rather than your distrust

Revoltingpheasants · 20/03/2026 08:36

SleepingStandingUp · 20/03/2026 08:35

My five year olds (OK now 6) don't go round their mates house for tea. Is that really a thing at 5?

Anyway op, I'd probably go with a "sorry, didn't mean to imply she'd be joining in, fully expect her to be napping in her pram at that time but if you're sore you're happy to have him, I'll talk to him tonight".

It clarified you weren't being a CF, gives one last opportunity for her to decide if she will let you come and gives you holding space to talk to DS and make it about his comfort rather than your distrust

Show quote history

I think that is a good strategy actually.

And yes, I do think the days of ‘going round to tea’ are long gone!

Godrabbit · 20/03/2026 08:37

MrsClattenburg · 20/03/2026 08:27

For those of you who wouldn't leave your (5 year old) child at a party, I presume you leave them if they go to a friend's house for tea after school or to play during the day?

No, I dont!

ACDCACDC · 20/03/2026 08:40

It would’ve been polite and appropriate to ask whether you could bring your toddler. Stating your intentions with a little smiley comes across as a bit entitled (if that’s the word). Appreciate they probably wasn’t the intention.

Imdunfer · 20/03/2026 08:47

ThatWorthyMoose · 20/03/2026 06:36

It was a 5 year role immediately out of university, I ended up resigning and going into health management after burn out and a fair chunk of medical leave after going through the process of being a legal witness in a complex CSA case.
The perpetrator at the centre was a trusted and respected community member, to say the case took over my life for a period of time is an understatement. And yes, I have dabbled in a lot of therapy on and off but have found the process of having my own children has become quite triggering and brought a lot of my anxiety back to the forefront of my mind

Edited
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Thank you for what you did for society and those children at that time. Your reaction about your own child is completely understandable.

FancyCatSlave · 20/03/2026 08:48

MrsClattenburg · 20/03/2026 08:27

For those of you who wouldn't leave your (5 year old) child at a party, I presume you leave them if they go to a friend's house for tea after school or to play during the day?

Not yet no, she is Y1 and playdates are accompanied. We don’t do going round for tea as all the kids are at school until 5:30 but we do weekend playdates.
I would be happy to leave her at her good friends houses now but I don’t because I am also good friends with the mums, so we chat and eat biscuits while they play. It’s as much a social event for me as her.

Also it may make a difference that we are in a rural area, friends can be 30-40 mins drive away. No-one wants to be doing extra journeys.

saraclara · 20/03/2026 08:53

My kids are older, but at five years old it was absolutely normal to be left, especially where the party was at a house. Who has room for parents as well as the kids at a home party? Not to mention that they'd all be in the way half the time. I can't think of anything worse than trying to wrangle party children while having the parents distracting me and trying to chat.

Mariooooocart · 20/03/2026 08:54

I don’t see anything wrong with parents staying at that age and would stay myself due to DC issues. I would however think your RSVP was very cheeky! You didn’t even ask!

bellinisurge · 20/03/2026 08:56

It’s her call it’s her home. I was always theoretically chilled about it but at the expense of shredded nerves. If you aren’t a close friend I wouldn’t explore it further and do a nice treat for the three of you

bellinisurge · 20/03/2026 08:57

I’d certainly leave a five year old if the five year old was ok with it

luckylavender · 20/03/2026 08:57

5 year olds get left generally

saraclara · 20/03/2026 08:58

Revoltingpheasants · 20/03/2026 08:28

I don’t think I would to be honest, unless it was a sort of prearranged babysitting arrangement which I haven’t really done but can see how it might occur.

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I'm really sad to read posts like this. I didn't realise that things had changed so much in the last couple of decades. Going round to each others houses after school and having tea, was absolutely the norm when my (now adult) children were young.

Revoltingpheasants · 20/03/2026 09:04

saraclara · 20/03/2026 08:58

I'm really sad to read posts like this. I didn't realise that things had changed so much in the last couple of decades. Going round to each others houses after school and having tea, was absolutely the norm when my (now adult) children were young.

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Things change, is all. There are things about modern life that are better than forty years ago and things that are worse, depending on how you look at it. But to be honest I’m not totally sure four and five year olds were routinely playing unsupervised at friends’ homes even when I was a child and I am 45. Unless it was part of a reciprocal babysitting arrangement.

Extrachoc · 20/03/2026 09:11

MrsClattenburg · 20/03/2026 08:27

For those of you who wouldn't leave your (5 year old) child at a party, I presume you leave them if they go to a friend's house for tea after school or to play during the day?

Certainly not. And if other parents have an issue with it, they can leave their kids at our place, or meet at a park. We’ve never had an issue, at least no comments to us. And I really couldn’t give two hoots if other parents think we’re weird, at least my dc are safe. 🤷‍♀️

lessglittermoremud · 20/03/2026 09:22

I think it depends on your child, if they are happy for you to go, are totally self sufficient with toileting etc then I would drop and go.
It also depends on how well you know the child/parents.
My child has 4/5 friends he mentions all the time, I chat to their parents on the school run.
If they had a birthday party at their house (which no one does here) he would be happy to stay on his own and I’d be happy to leave him.
If it’s a friend that isn’t in his close circle and I don’t know who the parents are/have never met them then I would decline if I couldn’t stay if needed.
My youngest child is the same age and all the parties we’ve been to since starting school have always been in halls, soft play etc and everyone has a parent that stays usually. Sometimes one parent will
bring 2 of them because their children are obviously best friends and the parents know each other well.
My middle child was happy to left at parties without me as soon as he started school as super independent, but I stayed until he was about 7 which seemed to be when other parents dropped them off and left.

Hellohelga · 20/03/2026 09:30

delna · 20/03/2026 02:17

I think you have to decline the invitation or leave him. I didn't have room for parents/ siblings to stay at that age either.

Exactly this

EvolvedAlready · 20/03/2026 09:34

Simplesbest · 20/03/2026 06:17

Child protection job here too. Don't leave your kid there. If another mum is going that you know well then ask her to be responsible for your child at the party. Amount of kids parties I've taken kids to and then Seen they've got all the blokes in one room drinking etc. You don't know they don't have paedophile neighbours/ grandparents/ friends that will attend. I've had several foster children who had family members that groomed their school friends. Your child is the most precious thing in the world to you and totally irreplaceable..don't leave them with strangers.
Politely decline. Just say oh ok, I'm not comfortable leaving him yet. Hope your child has a lovely time. It's honest.

This. Speaking from experience of a suspected Paedo neighbour.
He’s well known and lots of neighbours still hang out with him and their kids! So….. never leave your kids or assume your neighbours with respectful jobs are good people. I would be very upset if I realised he was at a party my child was at cause we have kids the same age.

Kizmet1 · 20/03/2026 09:34

Personally, I would decline the invitation, but I am well aware that I need to chill out a bit and stop seeing potential harm to my child everywhere! 😂

I don't think there is particularly a right or wrong answer. It's just what you're comfortable with.

SandyHappy · 20/03/2026 09:35

“we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”

This is so unbelievably cheeky! This is exactly what people do when they want to railroad over others to get their own way, instead of asking if it was okay (and giving her room to say no), you have stated it as fact, in the hopes that she would find it too awkward to say no.

I'm glad she's told you straight.