AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

I would find your response really cheeky. You should have asked about the toddler, not told.

Mid Reception was when I started dropping my kids off.

If you’re not happy to do that then it’s fine ti decline the invite. Expecting that your dd could nap at the party is unreasonable.

Your response was really rude. I wouldnt drop and leave my 5yo, but I also would never have assumed it was fine to bring my youngest and if I had to, I'd have messaged asking if I could and explaining how we could be as invisible as possible!

In response to another poster, I really dont think drop and go is the norm for 5, we've had 24 class parties so far this school year with two more this weekend 🙄 and not one has been drop and go.

You're not 'hyper vigilant' because you once worked in child protection 15 years ago. It isn't hyper vigilant to have concerns, every other parent has the same. And many of those parents may be teacher, social workers etc should are more likely to lay claim to being 'hyper vigilant'.

I have a 2 1/2 year old so I know that 2 year olds don’t nap (or at least don’t nap much) and definitely don’t nap like a tiny pre walking baby. Your 2 year old will want to run and play and join in with the party. Either decline the invite or drop your 5 year old off and pick up at the end of the party.

Were you expecting to drag the pram in the house too?
Please don’t go back and say toddler will be sleeping etc. it’s just guilt tripping. Drop and go or don’t go.

How does your child feel? If your child is excited to go, I would drop them off.

Personally I wouldn't have left my children anywhere alone at 5 but I also think you should have declined rather than ask about bridging your other child.

It’s hard - I’ve been in the same predicament a lot of times. Usually my partner can get the day off but not always. In that situation, I ask whether it’s ok if the other one comes and sits with me. A lot of the other parents are in the same boat. I hate asking, but I see them going to parties as an important part of their socialisation. If it’s soft play it’s not so bad as you can pay for the other child and keep them with you, but I still ask. But that’s someone’s home so you have to respect it.

My dd who is 5 recently went to a party and I had ds (8) in tow. Her friend’s mother said space was tight and we could leave dd. It really was - you couldn’t swing a cat. So I left dd who had a great time. That said, I’d be a bit more nervous leaving ds. Although he’s older, he’s less emotionally mature and more accident prone. At one party he knocked a tooth out.

Only you can decide OP. I know it’s hard.

Can't believe the responses saying they wouldn't drop a school age child off for 2 hours with school friends and probably multiple school friends parents in a school friends house. Poor kid having to miss a party because of paranoia.

I would just decline but YANBU. I wouldn’t let me 5 year old go without me either.

Also don’t buy the kid a present.

It sounds like you don’t know the Mum/family very well, and 5 is still very little and it’s hard to speak up for yourself at 5yo.
If you aren’t comfortable leaving your DC and he’s not particularly bothered about missing the party, then just say logistics don’t work out and wait until you know them better, or they all are a bit older, or there’s a party at a soft play.
I don’t think I left my DC at a party until year 2 or 3, it didn’t come up.
TBH I think the party hosts might regret not having parents there, a houseful of 5 year olds you don’t know very well sounds like a nightmare to manage.

One of mine napped until 3, the other one 18 months.

Just because your kid doesn’t nap, doesn’t mean every other one doesn’t. It’s common for children at 2.5 to still nap.

From my own past experience: 5y old is too young to be left alone at the party- what is the host mum going to do when several children at once will want to go to toilet, wash hands, overturn cup with juice? Has she invited only her ‘friend-mums’? On the other hand, couple of mums with extra prams with their younger sleeping children will take all the hallway space.
Just decline the invite. There will be others.

Oh and don’t beat yourself up about the reply coming off rude. Having organised parties I’ve had people say the same - also asking to drop and run at 5 which was worse for us as we needed another set of eyes. Chalk it up to experience - we’re all just trying to get through this alive! If you think dc is mature enough to cope I would just say thank you very much not launch into a long explanation. Buy a nice present and it’ll all be forgotten.

I doubt OP’s 2 year old will sleep on demand throughout the entire party. The toddler will want to join in and play and eat and that’s not fair on the birthday child or their parents.

I think you should have asked if your youngest could come along and explained they would likely be asleep, rather than just telling them.

I would expect a 5th home party to be drop off though.

I have a 2 year old and he wouldn’t stay napping in a pushchair whilst a party was going on. It would also be pretty difficult and disruptive to tell him he couldn’t join in!

Child protection job here too. Don't leave your kid there. If another mum is going that you know well then ask her to be responsible for your child at the party. Amount of kids parties I've taken kids to and then Seen they've got all the blokes in one room drinking etc. You don't know they don't have paedophile neighbours/ grandparents/ friends that will attend. I've had several foster children who had family members that groomed their school friends. Your child is the most precious thing in the world to you and totally irreplaceable..don't leave them with strangers.
Politely decline. Just say oh ok, I'm not comfortable leaving him yet. Hope your child has a lovely time. It's honest.

Hyper vigilant - anxious. You expected to turn up with a pushchair as well. Just drop your child off OP and let them enjoy the party or don’t go at all. 🙄

I'm really surprised at the amount of people that'd drop & go for a 5 year old party. Do you know who'll exactly be there? Parties are so busy and there's no way the host will have eyes on each child at all times. Not only from a safeguarding perspective is it dangerous (who else will be there?) but what if your DC gets upset for you?

I would be sitting this one out.

I think attitudes to drop and go have drastically changed across the last 10-15 years, as the amount of abuse cases reach the news.

A 2 year old is not a neutral presence at a birthday party and I'm afraid you've imposed yourself.

I don’t work in child protection, and I’m not “paranoid” (I’m fairly pragmatic about risk) and there is no way my 4yo would be dropped off in a house full of unknown adults and children. Zero chance of that.

If childcare for the 2yo is impossible, then you will need to decline. These things happen, it’s not a big deal to politely decline an invitation - but you stick to your own standards and values @ThatWorthyMoose and don’t let anyone convince you to do something you don’t think is safe. Lots of us would agree.

Party's at home generally mean limited space (unless you live in a mansion) especially at this time of year where the weather is still very changeable, so the garden may not be an overspill option. I'd find your reply telling the host you will have a toddler with you beyond rude, you should have replied asking if it was ok, if not you can't make it.

You need to politely decline and maybe apologise for assuming it was ok to invite extras. You've put the host in an awkward position, whatever you do don't reply "he'll be napping" 🙄.

You told the mum you’d have a toddler in tow not asked her if it would be alright to bring them . Rude