AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

Wow, I'm really surprised there are so many who wouldn't leave their 5 year olds for a couple of hours with a friend from school. Things must have really changed in the last 20 years (as some other posters have also said)

When my two were younger, once they had friends from playgroup, pre-school then school, we'd have them over and mine would go over there - the parents would never tag along. We did this from age 3 (with closer friends where I knew the parents relatively well) then when they were at school so age 4 or 5 upwards, you'd chat to the parent briefly in the playground and the children would be invited after school for tea.

The norm now is that most parents are working and children are with their friends at wraparound until 5.30/6pm and they eat there.

My DD prefers that tbh as she has everyone to play with a choice of food. She complains if I have to pick her up directly from end of school day as “club” is apparently brilliant. So much so that she does 2 sessions a week that I don’t actually need for childcare. I try not to be offended that she likes it so much….

She just hasn't got the space for an extra child and adult. If you had say a small party for six children. That would be six extra in your house. But if they each brought a sibling and parent that's 18 extra in your house. So either leave your child or you can't go.

I think you may well have annoyed her announcing your toddler was coming and not asking.

I think YABU but also in your defence 5 is a bit an awkward age in terms of staying/leaving at parties, or even in general. I definitely had to double check a lot around that age whether it was drop-off or not (actually usually not at that point). I do remember having a party for my daughter where some people brought siblings and I felt really awkward that they couldn't have anything to eat because they hadn't been catered for. So apart from anything always ask rather than tell as the host probably feels really awkward now.

Thinking if this was my own house - a very standard 3 bed terrace - if we’d invited 10 children to a small birthday party we would not be able to fit 10 parents in the house with their small children. We absolutely couldn’t fit someone else’s pram in the house anywhere.

Maybe you should just decline this one if you don’t want to drop off.

If you choose to say no to this party, do everything you can to prevent it happening again. Get to know the other parents in your class better, so next time he can go with someone you trust. Offer reciprocal childcare to people so you can ask in return for them to look after your toddler, for example.

You are isolated and it isnt fair to make your childcare and anxiety someone else's problem (the host by adding extra people to her invite or your DSs by him missing out).

Nobody expects you to blindly trust everyone but you do need to build up a bank of people you do trust. This would be a non issue if you knew and trusted other mums to take DS to the party for you.

My oldest is in y1 and it's still the norm for parents to stay for parties and playdates.
At a house party I'd expect it to be limited space and I think bringing a buggy would be a huge imposition. I've found it awkward needing a buggy for a sibling on playdates never mind a party.
I'll accommodate siblings where possible, for close friends I'll make it clear they are welcome, for more distant invitees, I've usually had a "sorry to ask but struggling for childcare can sibling come?" or "we'd love to come but just trying to arrange childcare for sibling so will let you know ASAP" which I think is a great way of phrasing it without "asking".
If I were you I'd politely decline and apologise for the imposition then word the question a bit more delicately next time.

You can’t invite yourself and another child along to a birthday party being thrown in someone’s home.

Would you have a party in the home though?

I agree. In my experience as a mum, grandma and teacher, it’s typical that a parent stays at a party at this young age.

I do think it was a bit cheeky to presume you could take a sibling. If you didn’t have anyone to leave them with, the invite should have been reluctantly declined.

I didn’t leave mine until…actually, she’s nearly 10 and I’ve never left her at a party 😂. We’ve always been given the option to stay, and there’s no way she would have let me leave her before the age of 8. She isn’t into parties that much and gets anxious. She’s much better now she’s getting older.

But to assume you could just bring the sibling is where you’ve gone wrong here OP.

What a ridiculous statement.

I can remember being dropped off at a friends party as a young child (older than 4/5) and the dad was very creepy. I didn’t understand why but was worried about making sure my underwear wasn’t on show.

Savile and Harris would sexually assault children in live tv with no fear of being caught out. To say that a child can’t be sexually abused at a kids party is ridiculous. It may be unlikely but the op has worked in child protection so knows that even the unlikely is possible.

Her DC would be more vulnerable because A) she and don’t know the family well and B) at 4, most children would still struggle to know what is and isn’t appropriate from an adult in authority and to find the vocabulary to tell a parent.

If I was in that situation I wouldn’t drop off until older, unless I knew one parent very well. I’m quite surprised how many would happily do this.

Most people I know are at work so it's not that common to have kids just come round after school. Until recently, my kids were in after school club anyway.

However I love a dropoff and was delighted when this became a thing. With good friends they were playing at each other's houses from nursery but it was the norm from primary school.

I did. Our current house is bigger but our older house was a 3 bed terrace so there was enough space for 10 kids but nowhere for anyone else. Was chaotic but lovely and only one child had a parent who stayed at the party I'm thinking of.

No. Certainly not at 4.

How old were they? I get that it sounds like I’m nitpicking but I do think most parents would stay, plus the children. And then every so often you get both parents coming: would you refuse one entry? Its fair enough if the mum didn’t want the toddler; it’s her home but when you do have a party things like this happen and it’s a shame to be so dogmatic about it at the expense of very young children.

It was my son's 5th birthday. He was starting school later that year so it was nursery and family friends. Just past covid so maybe parents were used to not being around for things.

Of the 10 kids, one parent stayed but that child had just lost his father and was struggling a lot. She asked first and of course that was no problem at all. No one else asked at all, just dropped off.

Maybe Covid had something to do with it but I do think that’s very unusual to be honest. Apart from anything else it’s a lot for one person to manage solo.

I think your message to the mum was so cheeky tbh. I think her response was fair. You cannot just announce you’re bringing another child. You would have had a different response had you have asked and explained the situation.
That being said, I wouldn’t leave my 5 year old at a party. I guess my advise it to sit this one out

OP, I say this as kindly as I can because you're clearly anxious, but that message from you would have infuriated me.

I don't know if the parents are expecting other parents to hang out. When I did parties at home I was always keen for parents NOT to stay because frankly, it just adds to the chaos and then I have to cater for them. But I appreciated that sometimes they DID have to. But to bring a 2 year old? Of course the 2 year old won't sleep through it. And even if he did, where is this pram going to sit in their house? And there's always some drama and distraction as the parent of the two year old asks for somewhere to change a nappy or as he tries ot eat the birthday boy's cake or insists on running into the party.

Sorry, that was totally rude of you so you need to either drop your child, or you need to not let him attend. Another option is that if you believe another child's parent WILL be there and you know that parent, ask them to keep an eye on your DS. It's always helpful to have another family you trust in these situations anyway so that you can share the lifting for parties etc ove the next few years!

Me too. However it's the done thing now to stay with your children at a party. I didn't realise that as my parents always just dropped me off and picked me up again after so I assumed it was the same now.
First party my DD went to and I obviously stayed because all the other parents were there.
I left her at a few parties from about Y1 but that was because I had to due to other commitments. Then by Y2 it seemed it was okay to drop and go.
The poster who said about a child being groomed, that's not likely to happen at a 2: hour party, being groomed builds up gradually and most adults are perfectly safe to be around.

Wonder why it's suddenly a no no. None of the parents stayed at parties unless they were personal mates of the birthday child's mother if it was at home when my kids were younger

The only option if you refuse to leave your 5 year old at a party for a few hours is that he doesn't go. Not to invite your 2 year old as well who will absolutely want to join in.

Wint it be mostly the kids he goes yo sxhool with every day? Why do you need to be there?