AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

She most likely doesn’t have room in her house for all the parents and extra siblings, yabu. You were rather rude not to ask first too.

Don't 7 year olds sort out their own issues between each other. How do you ' advocate' for them? Genuinely curious.

You should have asked first, can't just invite yourself and toddler to stay. What if everyone did the same? I wouldn't want extra parents and/or siblings in the house if I were hosting a child's party. The only time I did have a parent stay they had asked in advance. If any more had stayed I would have had no room for the party kids!

I can see why you wouldn't want to leave a 5 year old at a party at someone's house you don't really know. I wouldnt have at that age and I don't think drop and go is always the case for that age as this is when a lot of parents use the time to meet other parents.

I can see it though that if they are doing a house party then they will be short of space unless they live in a big house. I did go to a party when my daughter was 6 at someone's house and all parents stayed which I don't think she was expecting (she did say parents were welcome to stay but I think she thought we would all leave).

I think you went about it the wrong way though in your reply and would have got their backs up. You didn't explain your situation and ask whether it would be ok to bring your toddler, instead you replied thanking them for the invite saying you would also be bringing a toddler! If you had worded it differently about 5 year old being quite young/sensitive, wondered if it would be ok to stay to check they settled, but you would have a toddler then maybe they would have been more understanding.
Also they don't know that you weren't expecting the toddler to join in. You say they would be asleep, but how? Where? Would you be holding them in your arms?! Would the noise also wake them and then what would you do if they kept running off towards their sibling and you had to keep saying no?

I'm having flashbacks to a party I hosted years ago where there was a very PFB mum who waited in the car in the driveway for her 8 year old (I didn't know she was there). After the party she emailed me to say that her DD had been very upset that she hadn't won a big prize (there were no big prizes) so next party she would send her DD with a big prize and I should present it to her when the birthday child got his present 🤣

For the future, if you need to bring a sibling to a party then you ask. Your text was really quite rude; they’re having a party at their home, and you literally just told the mum that you’d be bringing a toddler. You can’t do that. You can ask, but you can’t just tell someone you’re doing it.

And no, you can take a toddler to a school aged party in someone’s home if they haven’t invited them, because their house won’t be set up for a toddler and most parents won’t be staying at that age in someone’s house so you don’t even need to be there.

OP it was rude to just inform her you were bringing an extra kid to her actual house. Decline the invite or drop the kid and leave. Next time ask, don’t assume! Or youl be on the next CF thread on here

Do what’s best for you. IMHO party mum sounds unreasonable.

I had birthday parties every year for my 3 DC. Some at home, some in parks or hired places,

At 5, some parents dropped off and I cared for their kids as though they were my own (or asked my friends or family to): checked in they were OK, watched they didn’t wander off, made sure they were having a drink, washed their hands before eating etc.

However, at 5, lots of parents stayed for the parties, and brought siblings. Mostly younger siblings, sometimes older. Those parents cared for the siblings and were respectful enough not to let them intrude, eat the party food, expect treats etc. But I always made them feel welcome and let them join in the games if they wanted, offered food, drinks etc. Why wouldn’t I? They’re little children.

I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to stay with your five year old. Totally the norm round here for parties. However, you really should have asked if it was OK first and especially when it comes to bringing another child, let alone a toddler! I have done home parties and always said no to extra kids as there simply isn’t room. I am also a lone parent and always check if it’s OK to bring an extra kid to a party if I can’t get childcare and never expect anything!

Maybe party mums house isn’t as big as yours? It’s not that hard to work out why she may not be able to fit in extra guests.

To be fair one extra toddler is unlikely to lead to dangerous levels of overcrowding; it seems more about making a point than anything else.

You were extremely cheeky to say you’d have 2 year old with you, and assuming you’d be being the pushchair in too. 😱
You need to either drop and go, or not attend. I think not attending is a bit extreme.
I say this as someone who is ‘over cautious’ and no sleepovers until 14 etc. There will be lots of mums there, it’s for a short while and will be fairly structured , different games etc.

You must have a big house if you can host party children, one parent each and siblings too. A lot of people don't have that luxury and this would put a lot of stress on the host.

It was a one-bed flat with a big kitchen.

However, if there’s clearly not room and they’re in the way, you go for a walk around the block or pop to a cafe for an hour.

Of course, but if every invitee assumes this you could end up with 15 mums and toddlers in prams!

I did this with one of mine, dropped him off at the house. I didn't know the mum but DS knew all the children at the house party so I trusted he would be fine and he was. From memory I had a newborn baby to look after at that point. You have to learn to relax as your issues will rub off on your DC. It's only a couple of hours remember!

I would be dropping and leaving, assuming child is happy to stay without you.

Around here the rules tend to be:
4th birthdays parents stay
6th birthdays parents leave
5th birthdays are a grey area but it tends to be venue-dependent, so at a house more likely to drop, but out somewhere more likely to stay

You're not being unreasonable at all. I'd say Reception is too young for a drop and go party. I don't think we had them until Y2. As a parent I wouldn't want to be in sole charge of so many 4 and 5 year olds (and I'm a teacher!)

If it was a parent I knew well e.g. had chatted to at length on a number of occasions and visited their home before I might consider it but other than that I'd be giving it a miss.

Why is there always a back story on these threads. Just leave your child! It’s what everyone does. Then go out with toddler. I don’t think you should ask someone else to take account of your insecurities and your DS deserves to go to the party. Find a way to let him go and be like other children.

You haven't addressed the fact that you were really cheeky to just invite your 2 year old along without asking. Instead you've tried to justify and explain it. Maybe that's something you should work on in your therapy.

I just used to drop and run in such scenarios, it would only usually be two hours. I'd pop somewhere and have 1:1 with two year old. Unfortunately you can't be with them always and protect them always, sometimes you have to take a very very very low risk. Also it does them good to learn to not be too reliant on you.

If she says yes to everyone in your situation she will triple her people in her home numbers. Either drop off or don't. I don't think it should matter that you don't know this Mum inside out. Either trust her to host the party and drop your child, or don't!

Glad you have decided to drop and leave. If the weather is nice, you could hang around in a local park or shops with toddler.

I think you were unbelievably rude to assume you could make this a family activity. If you (or actually… if your child) isn’t comfortable with a dropoff then politely decline.

Where we live, parties just naturally became mostly dropoff for 5. My son turned 5 the summer before starting school and we had a home party. 8 kids I think and one parent asked to stay (he had a rough time as his dad had just died). So of course that was fine and she was a huge help. Outside this one child who had separation anxiety for a few years, I haven’t either stayed at a party or had anyone stay at ours since school started so I would have assumed it was a dropoff and make my decision from there.

It is never appropriate to bring a 2 year old to a home party though so that’s a separate issue altogether. Tiny baby, sure but not a toddler or older.

Are people aware of the stats re CSA? Most happens from people kids know.

I never leave my dc at parties etc, I always attend, if the host is ok with it. If not, we don’t go (never had this yet). It’s not about anxiety, or being a helicopter parent. It’s about a real threat posed by men and older boys. And I know many parents who agree with me.

Is it really worth the risk???