AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

Rather than telling her you’d be bringing a toddler, you should have asked.
I’d have thought you quite rude if I’m honest.

Not everyone has room in their house for a kids party plus a parent with a toddler in a pram. And you thinking the toddler will go to sleep with excited 5 year olds running around … likely the toddler will want to join in.

we always stayed for the reception year
paritr. From year 2 onwards it was drop and go

but it’s at hwr house, presumably he will ok. It wouldnt be right to bring a toddler to a small party at the house.

You were rude to tell her and not ask her. In this situation I would ask a mum I knew of one of the other children if she would keep an eye on your child as well.

Thinking on from my last comment. My eldest is in his 20s and at his 5th party at home, full class of kids invited I think less than a quarter of mums stayed.

I'm not sure what has changed over the years. If it's because my 7 year olds cohort were all covid lockdown toddlers and are clingier, or if it's us parents that see more about CSA on social media and are more cautious, I'm not sure what has shifted, maybe a bit of both but like I say I don't think it would be unusual for you or your child to want you to stay. It's the extra younger sibling being announced to be coming along that's poor form.

Well, things have though, haven’t they? I mean, when I was seven or eight I was walking to school alone but that obviously isn’t standard now!

It sounds cheeky that you replied saying you'll gave toddler in tow. You should have asked would that be ok and if she said yes fine but if she said no then politely decline invite. I

From your point of view, yes I’d be worried to leave my yr R child alone at someone’s house. If they fell over and hurt themselves, had a toilet accident because they were too excited to go etc etc

From the party Mums point of view, if I was holding a party in my house, I would only have the space for one adult to attend with each child. If you say yes to one, you kind of have to say yes to others. If 5 invited kids all bought a buggy and a sibling with them, I wouldn’t have the space in my house. It’s a straight no. If it’s my child’s birthday, which I’ve spent time and effort on, I would also be quite protective of the atmosphere of the party changing with a 2 year old present and not wanting that.

It’s really understandable to feel as you do. Old issues coupled with normal parental concerns mean it’s a bit harder for you than most parents. I had a similar situation as a foster carer- twin dc, first party with people I didn’t know and enhanced supervision requirements meant they couldn’t go. Over time you’ll know the group better and feel more comfortable with leaving them. There will be parents that you get on well with who’ll step up for your dc, if you can’t be there.

From the hosts point of view, this is a weird age. Some parents assume they’ll drop and go, others assume they’ll stay. I well remember the first party I did where most parents just up and left leaving me very under staffed 😁

My kids are now teens and I can remember taking and then picking up after when it is a house party . The only time I stayed with an extra child in tow is it the party mum was a friend and I was helping .
Look upon it as giving your child a lesson on independence .

There's just no way I'd leave my not quite 5 year old in a house with people i don't really know. I don't know anyone who would?! I don't think you're being cheeky either, just worded the response ambiguously perhaps. She thinks you're a CF though. I'd just decline politely and not give it a second thought.

Neither of my children would have let me leave them age 4 at a party (there would be a lot of tears). I do think you probably worded the message clumsily and a 2 year old is unlikely to sleep throughout the whole thing and will want to play.

Are any other parents going? Could you ask one of those to keep an eye on your 4 year old if they are?

I had a similar age gap and once I knew parents better it got easier and they often invited both children to bigger parties (as I did with their children).

So, you have a 4 year old and a one year old. The 4 year old can be left or you can decline the invitation. Alternatively you could have asked if it was ok to bring the one year old. Just announcing you will be bringing them is entitlement at its best!

I agree with this. I also think it was very rude not to ask and just assume you could take a toddler along.

Bear in mind that at 4 your DC might not want to be dropped off anyway. At that age my elder child would have been fine but my younger child didn’t really like being left even at 6

you can’t force yourself and another child on people so you either decline the invite or let your 5year old go alone. Most 5year olds go for tea after school with friends it’s not unusual to not have parents.

You were incredibly rude just to announce that you'd be bringing another child.

I don't have space in my house for buggies indoors, why would you assume it's ok to bring a pram into someone's house? That's just being a nuisance, imagine if 3 or 4 other invitees also wanted to do the same. You just go for a walk/drive and let your toddler nap then pick up your ds, or else decline.

The host mum will presumably tell the children where the toilet is and expect them to go (and wash their own hands) when they need to. They are 5, not 2, and unless she lives in a mansion, the toilet is going to be a few metres away.

If multiple children start spilling juice, the juice will be taken off them. As it's a home party there won't be that many children anyway. And somehow the teacher manages a class of 30 of them at school ...

They really aren’t where I live. Drop and go parties from Y2 onwards. EYFS and Y1 have been 100% parents stay.

I don't blame you. My ds is 7 and I have yet to leave him at a party alone. IMO he is still too young to advocate for himself alone with strange adults. I don't feel bad about being overprotective and he hasn't missed out on anything; he's been to plenty of parties. But it's a personal choice. Don't feel bad either way.

No way a toddler is gonna nap at a party of excited screaming 5yrs !

while I get you didn’t mean to come across as rude. You did by inviting self

mn is 50/50 on siblings. Many say no issue and bring along. More the merrier

im the other boat and invited child only

even if you hire a hall you dont want 10 siblings joining adding extra food costs etc

so either you drop off and take for a walk in buggy or your 5yr Goes alone

give them the choice if need be. Party and no mum. Or no party

I get your worridness but very unlikely anything is going to happen in 2hrs in someone home with all kids running about together

What does he need to advocate for at a children's birthday party?

On balance to the pages and pages of people dragging you for the message about your toddler, I wish we’d all give each other grace. It was a bit of a faux pas, yes, but haven’t we all fumbled this stuff occasionally? God I know I have and do on the daily.

I have had countless requests about bringing a sibling in the past and yes I have found it cheeky at the time, but I also did my best to accommodate because people have lives and parties are a drag to accommodate.
Years on, I don’t remember any of the parents who asked if they could bring a sibling and I think I’ve come to realise that we’re all just trying to figure it out, under pressure, and those parents were actually trying to show up for my child.
Finally. I wouldn’t have left 5yos in that situation either. I don’t know anyone else who would either.
Ultimately, you do what you think is best or you and your son.