AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Hi MN,

My eldest (almost 5) has been invited to a 5th birthday party at a friends home in the upcoming weeks. My husband will be away for work, so I will have almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old with no other option for child care
I messaged the mum of the birthday-boy and said “we would love to be there! Our little boy can’t wait. As dad is away, I’ll have toddler in tow :)”
Mum replied “oh, due to numbers we can’t add an extra, but your child is welcome to stay and you can collect him after”.
i completely appreciate for catering/activities or whatever they have planned birthday-boy has probably chosen the few friends he would like to be there… but I wasn’t really expecting almost 2 year old to participate (it’s during regular nap window so she’ll probably be asleep in the pram for the duration anyway).
How should I respond? I don’t really feel comfortable leaving our little boy there alone as I have only met the school mums socially at school and wouldn’t want to lump the responsibility on anyone else

*I will add I worked in child protection as a graduate about 15 years ago and am probably hyper sensitive in most situations

I don’t think dropping off is normal at 5 generally. Lots of kids get overwhelmed and need an adult. What I’ve found is that people start lift sharing through year 1/2 so there is an adult in charge of the child but not necessary every child having an adult. By juniors drop-off seems common.

That said, home parties can be a bit different. Often smaller and more like a play date but not necessarily (worst party we went to was a massive home party where there were lots of tears as mix of older siblings, not enough supervision, large inflatables).

OP- what I would have done is ask the host if parents were staying or dropping first. I 100% wouldn’t have said I’d be bringing a toddler with a smiley face. Inevitably they won’t nap and will end up joining in and being a bit of a pain.

The other mums response is exactly what I've seen suggested on here when invitees try to add invited siblings to parties, it's perfect

I'd have thought you q rude CF if id received your message

Tbh I think you’re quite rude telling the other mum you will bring another child instead of at least asking. It’s not about activities or catering it’s about space. The mum handled her response well. If you’re not comfortable leaving your child then decline the invite.

Why don’t you feel able to leave your child at the party? It would never have occurred to me that I should stay with a 5 year old.

If you aren't comfortable, it's fine to decline the invitation.
It was rude to say you'd be bringing your two year old to the party, you didn't even ask.

It was a 5 year role immediately out of university, I ended up resigning and going into health management after burn out and a fair chunk of medical leave after going through the process of being a legal witness in a complex CSA case.
The perpetrator at the centre was a trusted and respected community member, to say the case took over my life for a period of time is an understatement. And yes, I have dabbled in a lot of therapy on and off but have found the process of having my own children has become quite triggering and brought a lot of my anxiety back to the forefront of my mind

Ywbu for telling her you’d be bringing your 2 year old. They may not have room for another, they may not want a 2 year old changing the dynamic, they may not want to provide food and party bag for an extra (try telling a 2 year old they can’t join in). You can’t guarantee your toddler would be asleep. You need to decline the invite or drop your DC at the party.

It seems to depend on the school and area as to whether drop off is expected and reception is quite borderline in my experience, with it being very common to stay. So she might well be expecting some parents but has been really clear she doesn’t want a 2yo there.

if you think your child will be ok staying on their own (you could always specifically ask another parent staying to keep an eye on him) then do that, otherwise sadly you’ll have to decline

You may need to work through this, but please don’t let strangers on a thread tell you that you are strange, paranoid or hyper vigilant for not leaving your 4yo in a house full of unknown adults and children.

I have declined invitations as a single parent of 3, as my children were too young at 4 to be left, and every other parent stayed. Just the space that a sibling takes up isn’t appropriate - hugely unlikely they can accomodate your pram.

The issue of CSA didn’t cross my mind - and I have worked in child protection for ten years, in a much closer role than you. Please seek therapy. Your response isn’t typical for those in the sector and so you will need help through it, especially as your children grow older.

Edited to add: I would also not ignore your gut instincts. Hopefully therapy can adjust your gut but ultimately, if your gut is saying no, I wouldn’t ignore it - there will be plenty of situations that you assess as unsafe which others do not. It’s not to say they’re right!

I wouldn’t be leaving my child unattended at someone’s home at five, tbh. It isn’t because I think everyone is a potential predator, it’s more that I can imagine he’d get over excited and silly and I wouldn’t want him to be someone else’s responsibility in that sense.

I agree it would be best to ask not tell but siblings do attend parties in my neck of the woods, not as guests but as extra paid attendees. Parties at home are a bit difficult in that respect, so I guess all you can do is explain you can’t make it. I do think the mum is being very inflexible though.

Yes exactly this.

The host mum isn’t expecting you to drop off so much as telling you politely that despite your somewhat rude message telling her that they’ll just be coming, your toddler isn’t actually welcome. If you’re not comfortable with a drop off (fair enough in reception) then just politely decline and wish the birthday child a happy birthday.

The chances of something happening to a 5 year old at a birthday party is infinitesimally tiny, to the point of probably never having one documented case in legal history. It's basically like saying you witnessed a car accident once and now refuse to drive because that could happen to anyone.

Agree that the other mum handled it very gracefully. In her shoes, I wouldn't be that pleased if someone I didn't know at all had to bring a toddler due to lack of childcare but would attempt to accommodate it. However if I knew the main motive was because she didn't trust that her child would get abused at my party then I would probably blacklist her forever.

The main reason I stayed at parties was solely because I felt DD may have been too young and it also takes some of the childcare stress off the host. Stuff like serving drinks, plating food, taking to the toilet etc. The space and routine is entirely different to school so it could be overwhelming for a small child to navigate a stranger's home or speak up if they need something.

I wouldn’t be leaving my child unattended at someone’s home at five, tbh. It isn’t because I think everyone is a potential predator, it’s more that I can imagine he’d get over excited and silly and I wouldn’t want him to be someone else’s responsibility in that sense.

Yes exactly this. At every single 5th bday party we went to, at least one child ALWAYS ended up getting hurt due to the sheer lunacy of sugar fuelled kids running around a tiny space. It was usually boys but girls have also sometimes tripped and bumped their head or cut their leg. At that age every party descends into chaos where all the children are chasing around trying to smash each other with balloons. At least when I'm there, I can actively stop DD from joining the worst of it.

You can ask (not telling them) about bringing your younger child and staying. They've said no, so them you'll have to decline the invitation. No way would I leave my young child alone with strangers!

You told the mum rather than ask to bring the 2yo, so that probably got her back up as well. Unless she has a massive house, what if all parents bought their other kids.

They don’t have room for you. If you don’t like that then you decline.

but it’s completely normal where I live for kids to be dropped at parties from P1 (age 5 ish).

YANBU to decline, I work in criminal justice and am also quite vigilant about such things, sadly it's more common than most people are aware of.

I'd not be too worried about CSA at a birthday party though, especially if other adults ar me present. I'd still have declined a drop off party at that age though as DS wouldn't have been comfortable being left (which is perfectly normal, not all 5 year olds are as independent as many MNetters would have you believe!).

You were a bit rude to say you'd be bringing a 2 year old though, you should've politely asked if it was ok rather than just saying it like it was a done deal. Parties at people's homes are usually tight on space, and a 2 year old roaming around would definitely impact on the party (the host wouldn't know your DC would be napping) and be a pain in the proverbial.

Honestly, if you don’t feel comfortable with the plans for the party, you don’t need to barge in, toddler on tow to ensure you or your child can relax, are safe or whatever. You just say “Thank you, Johnny feels a bit anxious attending on his own so we wish Tommy a great day”. If they say feel “free to stay with him”, fine. If not, you have declined already.

What I find incredibly rude was you just announcing you will be staying and bringing a toddler on tow as if it was absolutely ok. It is not, having a young child around changes the dynamics of the group and the activity, whether you are attending a children’s birthday party or meeting friends for a meal.

The main thing that stands out to me is that you didn't ask, you told her you'd be bringing your toddler to a party in her home that toddler wasn't invited to. That is very rude!

The staying at a party I don't think is unreasonable. My youngest is 7 and they are in his class not even 50/50 yet of parents staying/going at parties. Most of us seem to have the consensus it's when the child is ready but we wouldn't jsut assume siblings can come too!

If you aren't happy with leaving him in a class mate's home at age 5 that is completely your choice. And one I also agree with tbh. But YANBU with the text you sent.

To be honest I wouldn't want your child there with the.kind of attitude that you have. I think it is very insulting. Probably best all round if you decline the invitation.