DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

[CurlingChamp]

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

Really??!! I live in a city and pretty much every woman I see young and old has done hair and makeup to some degree. Not saying it’s right or wrong - each to their own, but its an observation I see every day.

Well would you?

I do once I’ve got some eyebrows on, red skin covered up and v light make up.

If I have grey roots (salt and pepper not sleek sliver) and look older

BUT does it matter that you look younger or older to others? And less about being able to modify perceptions of age through hair and make up

I think it depends on whether he has form for being critical of your appearance or if there is context that makes this sound worse than he meant it. If my dh said it to me then I would take it as a joke, as he’s always complimentary of my appearance, is always sensitive to my feelings if I’m feeling low, and is my biggest supporter generally. However, if he was critical of me, was telling me I’d stopped making an effort and generally didn’t like me getting “above my station” then I’d be insulted. So it’s hard to say how you should take it as depends on how you generally are with each other.

This is the first time I've heard the phrase 'curated woman'
Fucking hell. What have we become.

Worrying on any level about looking younger is a hiding to nothing.

I was wondering and asked DH how would I react in this situation .
He said that the comment was very stupid and I would be very cross if he said so. He said that he usually comments after I did hair and make up so AFTER a change, whereas here the comment implied that the change was needed which was different.
so I was wrong about my own tolerance.

Presumably depends on context. I too live in a city but the bulk of the women I see each day are on the school run and perhaps the shop. They do not generally appear to be wearing much makeup, or if they are it's extremely subtle. It would likely be different, even living in the same city, if most women I happened to see each day were going to their professional jobs, or in bars. Which used to be my life too, in the same city.

"anyone thinking society doesn’t judge both the inside and outside then they are very naive indeed"

Anyone caring about how society judges their appearance is making a rod for their own back.

But does he actually expect you to do it, or is that an expectation you've put upon yourself?

He was talking out of his arse. Wallow in self-pity for 24 hours, then - with or without makeup - continue living your life as you see fit!

I agree.
Even when I know I look like a bag of crap, my DH tries to make me feel better, not worse.

I wouldn’t take it well!

I’d probably ask why he wants me to look younger than I am. Make him explain himself and his sexism.

Your DP is an arsehole

Bloody rude.

Fair enough, I'm no longer at the school run stage, but a lot of the mums I did see then were wearing some makeup.

This!

I'd have laughed - it was a joke!

And I'm saying this as a woman in late 50s who has a greying buzzcut and never wears make-up.

Also my DH does wear moisturiser, lip balm and hair product because it makes him feel good, in the same way I do makeup to feel put together but I don’t think either of us feel enslaved by societal stereotypes or expectations

Everyone saying they don't care what people think but the OP was pleased with the initial compliment so obviously does care.

But the OP wants to look younger too. Or she wouldn't have been pleased with the compliment.
It isn't fashionable to admit it, but everyone will always want to look as good as they can. No one WANTS to look older than they are. Humans and almost everything else, deteriorate with age. Why would you want to deteriorate sooner rather than later?

Is looking older a bad thing?

Sure, but there was a poster who specifically asked why women don't make more effort and the not caring stuff stemmed from that. I'm one of those posters and I don't dispute that OP cares.

Context is everything. If the hair and makeup comment came with a long history of putdowns, sure, it was intended to undermine.

If it didn't, not. The guy might even have been trying to pay you a compliment, as in, you don't need special hair and make up to look 6 years younger.

Only you know the truth OP. If DH doesn't usually treat you like shit, might your reaction have something to do with your exhaustion? If so, that'd be the issue I'd talk to him about.

Yes-emphasis on people

Although I'd be hurt initially if my DH said this, it would also make me think is he missing the me that did make more of an effort in my appearance. I think all men take pleasure in their wives looking & feeling their best with their make-up & hair done & wearing a nice outfit even if its just occasionally. Looking younger isn't important but to be fair this is the point you raised & he may have thought if thats what makes you happy I'll tell you I think you coud even look 10 years younger with hair done and makeup on. I know I do, at least I've been told I do & it makes me feel great.It's just another possible take on it & open to interpretation

I don't think most people get up in the morning thinking "I want to look as good as I can'.

I don't think most people care about looking older.
People would live a lot more healthily if that was the case.
Hair and make up do nothing to slow deterioration.

Guide dog comment. I'd just throw a cushion at him and be over it. XD

To be honest, I wouldn't expect men in their 70s and 80s to be experts on where exactly in her forties a woman is. Better to ask someone around your own age.