DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

[CurlingChamp]

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

I'd be annoyed too op, especially as I'm guessing you had done something with your hair - washed and brushed it etc. What's he meaning you need to do: full curler set or something?

The only thing I would say is, if I think hard about the situation, I possibly wouldn't have bothered passing that comment on to DH. (Not saying I wouldn't have privately enjoyed it!). I can see how the situation might have benefitted from filter deployment - especially if I imagine DH coming up to me saying "Guess what compliment on my physical appearance two women just gave me!" I'd probably prefer he just kept it to himself - especially as your DH might have been feeling much older than 42 (or even 48!). The word "crowing" kind of springs to mind.

But even if that was how he felt, he definitely didn't rise above his feelings!

It's because a lot of us don't care enough about what you and people who hold similar (sexist) beauty standard views think to inconvenience ourselves. I like wearing make up sometimes, and did used to have a job where it was essentially considered part of looking professional. So, while sexist, that was an example where there was something in it for me. But I'm just not in a position where I need to take into account your perceptions of attractiveness day to day, notwithstanding I do wear lip balm in cold/wind.

I don't say that to be rude. But it's the answer to your question. People do things relating to their appearance either because they like it or because adhering to other people's perceptions of attractive, smart etc benefits them in some way.

I’d take it as overt sexism and ageism. Because it is.

Does he consider doing his hair and wearing makeup to make himself appear younger? And why is it important to look younger? Are older women not valued?

Dh often says he'd like me to have red long nails, make up, long dark hair again and a tight low cut top . I just roll my eyes and tell him we're not in the 80s anymore and that was when I last wore any of his list. Prat.

I think this is one of those where it’s impossible to gauge without actually hearing the tone in which it was said or knowing the dynamic.

I dunno, I told my DH he'd look younger and fresher if he shaved his beard a bit shorter, and use some moisturiser on this tired skin. But perhaps I am just as bad!

I would tell him if he wants to be married to a 37 year old to piss off and find one that will put up with him.

What a horrible thing for him to say!

Can just say doesn't matter if you look older or younger. What's wrong with looking old?

Because it's what's inside that counts and I've got more important things to spend my time and money on.

I don't do things to my appearance that men aren't routinely expected to do just to pass as human looking.

Two things.

most people look within 5 years of their age , it’s very hard to get it right, and nearly everyone guesses younger than they actually think, because it causes offense and and compliments the person. If I think someone looks about 40, I’d say 35/36?

so I’m afraid I’d assume you look your age, as nearly everyone does.

your partner was very rude, but I suspect it was as you were taking it as a serious thing, so he put you back in your box.

Unpleasant behaviour, he should have said yes you look fab and allowed you that moment to feel good about what the old men said.

most people look better with their hair and makeup done.

Well I would say most people don't do hair & make up.

Why are you only getting 4 hours of sleep? That's not sustainable at all, and its bad for you, especially in your 40s. Is there anything you could do to get more sleep? Im not trying to be an arsehole but I couldn't function on such little sleep if it was a regular thing, most people couldn't, even if you think you're fine.

Aside from that yeah your dh was a bit of a dick to say that but it was probably just a joke, especially if he had also had a drink. He should have just let you have the compliment and kept his mouth shut though

Men are routinely expected to do grooming, just male grooming and there is no point pretending men and women are the same, no one needs to wear make up but anyone thinking society doesn’t judge both the inside and outside then they are very naive indeed, how we present also counts. I suspect you know this, but something about your appearance makes you resentful of it.

if it didn’t we could all walk about unwashed and in old joggers with hair like a birds nest and everyone would be clamouring to get to know what’s inside, we’d still be taken seriously at work, or in social settings, and dress codes wouldn’t be a thing.

It’s one of those men just think differently to women situations.

Woman: I was told I looked younger than my age today (expectation that man will agree and say she looks lovely)

Man thinking looking younger is clearly important to her, let me offer a suggestion which will help make her look even younger.

Now if he laughed and asked if they had a gulde dog with them, then that would have been insulting.

Is there anything you could do to get more sleep [with 2 small children]?

Get a better husband who does his share of night duty?

Do you think it sounded a bit accusatory like you are not making enough effort? Because my DH could say something like that but it would be as a matter of fact comment. It’s true for me - I do look younger with hair done and make up on so this comment won’t bother me.

Yes, to all of these points, x 💯

He's too busy curling his hair.

Do you look "younger" or just more formally presented?

This is it for me. Yes, I look good with makeup. But men are accepted without it so I don't feel I should have to cover myself to be acceptable.

It's interesting that you jumped to unwashed there. Because if you don't wash, sooner or later it will create a smell that's unpleasant to other people. Whereas no unpleasant smells are created by not wearing mascara every time you go out of the house.

Whatever one's feelings about the broader appearance issue, there's an obvious difference between something solely visual and something that's more than that. I say this as someone who does wear makeup sometimes.

I think he probably intended it as a misplaced compliment, which was just not articulated very well.

It's like grey hair, isn't it? Far more acceptable on men than women.

Surely if you enjoy being complimented by men, which you did from the older fellows, then you are placing then a value on how men view.

You cant really complain then when another man says you would look younger with make up.

You can either care what men think or you can not care, you cant cherry pick.

I'd be booking my DH in for a back sack and crack wax and telling him won't it be great when he doesn't look so wretchedly old and hairy.