DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

[CurlingChamp]

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

It depends who much effort you want to put into it. I'd like to look good, but I'm also lazy so it's easier to buy a new lipstick than give up sugar for ever.
I go to the hairdresser regularly, but there's no way I'm styling my hair every day.

Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious not everyone always wants to look as good as they can. Revealed preference. There are loads of people who go about their business every day having not done fairly minimal things that would make them seem more attractive to the majority of the people they come across. I didn't bother taking 20 seconds to put mascara on this morning, for example.

People would probably choose yes over no if it were a question of clicking their fingers. But it's not, so pretty much everyone makes tradeoffs some of the time and probably most people most of the time.

I confess that I don’t understand why people don’t make an effort to look somewhat put together.

You mean women don't you? Not 'people'. Nobody is telling men to style their hair and put on some makeup.

You told your husband you felt pleased about being told you look younger than you actually are. You are the one who values youth otherwise you would not have felt complimented.

If he values youth too then he is no "worse" than you and was offering a suggestion about how you might look even younger.

I don't really think you can criticise him.

There is nothing wrong with ageing but if your confidence depends on looking like you aren't then don't be surprised when someone who loves you makes suggestions about how to that.

It would depend. Firstly I think it’s unhealthy for society to be obsessed by not allowing women to age. Also, it’s really stupid to pretend we don’t.

But specifically it would depend on if I felt generally safe and comfortable with him. Teasing is only fun if you really feel secure. With my current partner, I would laugh because he genuinely loves me the way I am and shows it often and it wouldn’t really be related to how attractive he thought I was. but then, he’d be unlikely to say it for the same reasons. With my ex I’d be furious because he often ‘joked’ just as a way to be mean or belittle others without accountability and that was just one of many ways he was an inconsiderate dick who thought he was more important than everyone else. And he absolutely WOULD have said it. So there’s that….

"I confess that I don’t understand why people don’t make an effort to look somewhat put together."

I confess I don't understand why people do.

Thee most beautiful woman I've ever come across in my life is in her 50s, no adjustments or enhancements, doesn't wear makeup on a daily basis, her hair definitely isn't styled daily either and looks like she lets it dry naturally. She wears jeans every day of life. She's the most authentic looking woman I've ever known. It hasn't held her back in anything as far as I can see, and she is pretty much at the top of the tree in our workplace. She's put effort into her life. What would be better about it if she started fucking about with mascara and hairdryers every day?

Yeah, it's very likely that he meant very little by it, but my own experience and that of some women I know (and looking at many threads on here) THAT is the more likely scenario. He is negging her. Putting her in her place. Making sure she doesn't get ideas above her station.

I was wolf whistled at in my 20s, by 2 men who shouted 'you're gorgeous blondie!' when I had a 'figure hugging' dress on ... I was out for a meal with a boyfriend (of 4 months at the time.) I had just gone to the toilet while we were waiting for our main course, and was on my way back... And he was like ...

I just rolled my eyes at the men and went and sat down with him... About 10 minutes into the meal, he suddenly decided to tell me that the dress was nice, but might look better on a slimmer figure. I was like I said 'what?' He said, 'oh don't worry, you look fine in most of your clothes, but that makes you look a bit fat.' I was 9 stone 3 at 5 ft 4. I was not 'fat.' I said 'no it fucking doesn't.' He said 'well if you want to tell yourself that. I'll leave it with you.' Then he carried on eating his food and started talking about something else.

I sat in silence throughout the meal, as he tried to talk to me. I was giving one word answers, and barely making eye contact.

Even my own MOTHER told me I looked 'cracking' in the dress, and that any man should be proud to be seen with me, and my dad said I looked like Marylin Monroe. The compliment from my mother was rare, so I must have looked OK!

tl;dr, I finished with this bloke shortly after. It wasn't the first time a date or a boyfriend had critisized my weight - and even called me chubs, lardass, tubbytum, and similar 'petnames!' When I was less than 9 and a half stone.

Honestly, no wonder so many women have eating disorders.

@CurlingChamp YANBU, Your DP shouldn't have said what he said. I would tell him I was pissed off. Maybe not a dealbreaker, but would be if he says anything like that again.

Sorry @RobinInTheCrabApple I didn't mean to quote you there.

I'm afraid the idea that women require make up to look 'better' and 'more put together' is a lie you've been told.

I agree. Same with men. We only see an overweight, unshaven, man who breaks wind indiscriminately as unattractive due to social conditioning. Belching whilst eating is considered a form of gratitude in some cultures.

No worries. I loved your post and am happy to be associated with it.

Nothing. He probably isn't wrong. I definitely look younger with makeup, it is one the main reasons women wear makeup. Sounds like a joke and I wouldn't have been offended at all.

Neither of you can understand that different people have different priorities? That's quite strange.

DP needs to be a lab rat here rather than just a rat. Take DP out to meet the older men twice, the first time ensure he is 'au naturel', the second time with some manscara etc on and newly coiffed. Ask the older men to guess his age on both occasions and see if their estimate goes down.

It's likely a biological imperative. We're programmed to find good mates attractive which is why we don't tend to fancy old/overweight people and why those with symmetrical features (better genes) are seen as more beautiful.

Well obviously they do have different priorities so I do understand that.
It's their motivation that baffles me. They're free to do it for whatever reason they do. I'm free to think, 'but surely there's always something more interesting/productive to do'.

Hope that balances out the strangeness.

Yes, but it's cultural too as evidenced by how it varies by country.

This. Don’t get the angst

Sort of, but you must admit that not everyone wants to be productive all the time and interesting is subjective.

this.

I'd be wondering if he liked hospital food.

The internalised misogyny in this comment is depressing.

"People"? The men in your life are all wearing makeup and doing their hair beyond using a brush? No, you just mean women.

Sexist nonsense. No one needs to look "put together", they are perfectly fine as they are. If you think makeup is necessary to look good, your standards are askew.

Productive is also subjective. To me a productive hour can be spent quietly watching the birds fly home at the end of the day.

I find that more interesting than putting on eyeliner.

I don't have to understand what makes people do what they do. They don't have to understand what I do.

I’d laugh and give him some cheek back!

I wouldn’t take it badly. It was said off the back of a compliment that you looked younger without doing anything that lots of other women do to try to look younger. It’s a bit like him saying, imagine if you did all the witchcraft other women do with contouring and god knows what - you’d look even younger.

We all know that well-applied makeup / colouring greys etc etc makes us look better than if we don’t do it. I’m sure someone out there will reply ‘I look younger with grey hair and no lipliner evening out my thinning lips and no blusher placed higher on my cheeks to give the illusion of fuller cheeks’ but I just don’t buy that at all. Objectively, these products conceal things so we look better and it’s simply an honest observation in line with the context of the conversation

I think what your husband said is a million miles from lying in bed with a man who says, ‘I’d fancy you more if you wore makeup’ or who prods your love handles.