DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

[CurlingChamp]

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

She's saying women who don't wear makeup "Aren't making an effort to look somewhat put together." Like not wanting to wear makeup is somehow giving up[ or having low standards. Whereas mostly it's just not being that into the makeup aesthetic.

And that she "struggles" with the idea not everyone buys into an obligation for women to "look better with makeup."

Anyone who thinks makeup is a requirement for women and not choice or personal expression, has internalised misogyny.

Wear makeup if you like it. Don't if you don't. But don't go around telling other women off- or saying they caused their husbands to cheat - because they don't want to "put a face on" every day.

Totally agree

So much rising to the bait going on on this thread! Wise-up to when you are being prodded everybody .

That may be the case in this instance. Those of us who don’t wear make up have been asked why not enough times to make it a) believable and b) a position that needs countering even if it’s not being seriously promoted.

You really do write unpleasant comments on MN.

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous. Those who look 12 without makeup and are naturally blessed with clear skin long dark eyelashes etc are very lucky - meanwhile us mere mortals like to use makeup to sustain the illusion 😂

Where has anyone said anything of the sort?

I am 46. I think I look 46. I don't think I look younger than I am, I just don't ascribe any value to looking younger or find it anything I care about.

That's an interesting take really because it suggests you have read people saying they are happy with their faces as they are as believing they think they look younger than they are because the narrative of younger = better is so strong. As opposed to being happy with their own faces as they are.

Ditto mostly, but @CurlingChamp is running on fumes.

4 hours sleep a night isn’t enough

@CurlingChamp you need to talk to H, tell him you appreciate what he said and understand what he meant, but it made you feel again like it was something ELSE you have to do. Tell him that on 4 hours sleep HED look aged and that HE needs to step up more so you’re not permanently exhausted.

tell him you are talking about this now so that resentment doesn’t creep into your relationship and kill your marriage.

Yeah that's a bonkers take. Why would I want to look 12 anyway.

It is honestly, genuinely ok to look your age Dragonplant. I don't feel any need to hide my wrinkles. If others do that's fine as well. But there are genuinely plenty of women who aren't obsessed with looking younger

Younger.

@cardibach where did I say women?

My husband looks dreadful when his hair isn’t done and his beard isn’t trimmed down. He looks better when he has his contacts in, opposed to when he wears his glasses.

He looks better in a suit than he does his grass cutting joggers.

Dearie me. Anyway.. I don’t care about impressing men, but I urge my children to be clean, tidy and well dressed. I make sure my daughter’s hair is clean, styled and her clothes are nice. My son with his hair gelled. Why? First impressions are important, both socially and professionally.

We are not homeless.

I was being kind earlier, I really was. For those of you who don’t want to look your best, all power to you - but you’d look a lot better if you tried a little bit. Promise.

Absolutely none of which has anything to do with wearing makeup.

But does he ‘do a basic face’? Does he wear make up? And if not, does he still look groomed? So why can’t women?
I always have well cut and clean hair and clean clothes which I feel look good on me. I just dont wear make up.

Men don’t traditionally wear makeup.

He does put on lip balm - Vaseline, occasionally, as he looks better with well moisturised lips. He also has a vast collection of facial moisturisers.

He also brushes and trims his eyebrows. He cares about how he looks. He likes to ensure his face is well groomed, so he trims it. I don’t have to, being female. We each do our bit.

I’ll also add - my “basic face” is combed through eyebrows, a swipe of mascara and some tinted lip balm. It makes me look healthy. I wear the entire shebang of the makeup bag maybe 3 times a year.

But not everyone cares about looking younger. I'd also say that "better" is a very subjective judgement. I don't normally say stuff like this but I really think its what women have been conditioned to do and to believe. I know its a trope but how many men think like this? Its kind of cognitively odd. I would never say that people shouldn't do what they want to do with their bodies and saying "I do it because I feel better is of course completely reasonable....but what? did you feel bad about how you looked before? Who or what made you feel like that?

you make your son gel his hair????????

I’m aware that make up is tradition. For women. I’m trying to establish why you feel women need to follow this tradition in order to not look scruffy when men have not traditionally done so. Why do your eyelashes and lips need things his don’t?

OMG you comb your eyebrows????

It really is evidence that opinions on what constitutes smart or groomed or made an effort or however you want to describe it is. Because I'm just as incredulous as you. In my opinion no child with gelled hair will look good.

And I don't understand why some people don't have better things to do with their precious time, so 🙄

Doesn't plaiting armpit hair count as making yourself up? XD

@TheSnootiestFox does your husband expect you to sit and look at a bare face if you are out? Why is that acceptable but not the other way round?

Unnecessary and bitchy comment, it actually sounds like he’s jealous the men were nice to you even though they were elderly so shouldn’t be a threat!

We all know most people look better with a bit of make up and their hair done but it’s just the same as most men looking better with facial hair (it really is like their version of make up- look at Jason Mamoa without…)

Lot of people on this thread framing his answer as "just being honest"
No! He was fucking rude. I mean, who asked him? And let's face it, he was "negging" her as they say. I wonder if he behaves like this a lot.

I was like this for years but as I got older I started to really resent being a hostage to the world's expectations of what women "should" look like.
Free yourself. It feels great.