DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

[CurlingChamp]

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

@DappledThings

why would a bit of mascara and lip balm make you feel uncomfortable? It’s hardly transformative makeup

You know the man. Is he a snarky type who'd deliberately try to pull you down, or is he just someone who may have said something that came out wrong? I can see how this might be said to a woman who doesn't faff much with her appearance in a positive way, as in 'yes, and you don't even have to try...' which is what I'd take if my DP said it to me. Because I know he would never try to put me down. Depends on whether you feel that way about yours.

So many comments - thank you. I’m going to try and summarise…

Firstly, we live in a small community, one of those men would have been to my 40th birthday, although it’s probably not something he’d have thought about at the time. I also had my second child 2 years ago, and I’ve never made any secret of my age. I was pleasantly surprised at their comments, as I would have been if they’d been female friends.

I spend 0.05% of my time on my appearance, so yes maybe my DP does have a point. I’m busy, my hair gets tied up, my fringe gets clipped back, I can’t stand my hair around my face when I’m trying to get stuff done. Similarly I find make up sticky and greasy when I’m busy, I’d rather not bother. And my job is physical, there’s no point having my nails done.

I get 4 hours sleep because my toddler likes to wake around 4.30. My DP says he doesn’t sleep well and only properly sleeps when I get up with DS2. He gets up and goes to work. I spend 16 hours a day parenting and trying to work when I can, and when DS1 is in bed by 9, I try and get the rest of my work done. I’ll quite often have a bath around midnight and then go to bed.

Do I often feel criticised? Yes. Usually I’ve forgotten, not got round to, or have done the wrong thing during the day.

So there you go, that’s why some women don’t spend time making themselves look their best.

Because mascara feels funny if you're not used to it, and a lot of brands have a tendency to flake or run; you have a menopausal hot flush and suddenly you've got panda eyes.

Lip balm can feel a little greasy, lip gloss is sticky and hair gets cause in it on a breezy day, matt lipsticks can be very drying and also bleed into the small lines around lips.

I have a Charlotte Tilbury lipstick in a lovely colour but my lips feel dry for a few days after I've used it so I don't bother much.

Cheeky git. Having read your last post, I’d be telling him to buck up or ‘buck’ off.

I would just be aware of it. And wonder if it was running or smudged etc. Certainly anything else on my face would make me feel itchy.

why wouldn't one take some basic pride in their appearance?

Why does that have to include make up?

I agree. It’s like the people on here who say they never iron lol

I never wear makeup but I iron everything!

If its hardly transormative, what's the point?

For me it feels funny, especially mascara.

Your husband needs to urgently work with you on strategies to extend your sleep - 4 hours is not sustainable, and you are running on adrenaline. This can only go on for so long until you begin to see the long term effects of stress present as other health conditions, some of which are hard to reverse.

He needs to be more sensitive and cognisant of the load you are carrying. Rather than criticise, he needs to take on more of the daily tasks to enable you to remain healthy - as a matter of urgency.

According to your latest post OP you have now let us know the bigger picture. His comment has absolutely nothing to do with my earlier suggestion which I said was a possibility & another perspective.

I would have a serious conversation with him letting him know you will not tolerate one more put down comment.

Start the day with giving yourselves 10 points.Every time either of you say something that is hurtful or a reason for an argument verbally remove one point & dont take it further. At the end of the day if he has lost most of his points he might realise he is being nasty towards you & needs to change.

If you read what I put, I actually spruced myself up to present a professional image during quite an important meeting and it had the added bonus that dp wasn't walking in on the wreck of the Hesperus!

Hopefully all the men in the meeting blow dried their hair and put on their basic face of make up too?

If not… how very unprofessional of them. Are you sure they are capable of doing their jobs?

Gosh, you do you and go and burn your bra or whatever. I consider scruffy men and women rude and in the workplace, unprofessional. When I'm at the gym, the stables or working in the garden then of course I look different but I certainly wouldn't expect my partner to sit and look at a bare face if we were out, for example.

I'll leave you to plait your armpit hair, shall I?

The horror of a bare face.... How will the public cope 🤣

So you consider both men and women who aren't wearing make-up in the workplace to be scruffy? Or is it only the women. Women's bare faces are offensive in a way men's aren't?

Hopefully there is some kind of support group for men whose wives refuse to adequately paint their faces before being seen in public.

What's wrong with skin care, I find it beneficial as I hate the feeling of tight, dry skin. I'm talking, face wash and moisturiser and lip balm that is neutral. My husband has a similar skin care routine and has dark hair so has a trimming shaver that leaves a bit of stuble so he definitely takes the same amount of time on that. It does take me longer to wash my hair as it is long and naturally wavy so it needs a bit of care to stop looking fuzzy but I like long hair, I'm not doing it for anyone.

To me its a compliment but I can see how it's possible to be taken badly.

Doesn’t everyone look younger with hair and makeup? It’s a fair statement to make

I didn't say there was anything wrong with skincare if it's something you enjoy. I specifically said it's not something I'm interested in but that doesn't mean I have an issue with it. All I have an issue with is the insistence from some that not using it is some kind of failing to look acceptable in public and that if it becomes something you feel you have to to have before going out that makes me sad.

Pretty much. Most men don't look better with make up on whereas most women do past their early twenties. In a world where judgment is instant and based on appearances I cannot phathom not using every tool at one's disposal!

Well, loosely there is, they're called mistresses 😂.

This is an astounding viewpoint to me but we are clearly in very different places on the topic.