DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

[CurlingChamp]

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

I suppose it does depend, I usually get the opposite, I’m in my 40s as well and always get ID-ed when wearing makeup but never do when natural

OP, have you ever thought about why “looking younger” is seen as such a compliment, especially for women? Don't you think its infantilising?

Youth tends to come with less experience and perspective and more arrogance - thats not a good mix. So why would you want to look like that?

I’m in my 50s and still get told I look younger. I know people mean it kindly, but I’ve stopped taking it as a compliment. I’d rather my age be seen for what it is — a reflection of everything I’ve learned and lived through.

The older you get, the more you realise how much there is to understand, and how long it takes to get there. So i find it a bit odd (and a bit icky) that “looking young” is held up as the ideal, when age brings something far more valuable.

It reminds of a quote from the Narnia books “She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she’ll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age.”

To me, the latter would look ridiculous, just like going to the gym with a full face of male up would. After giving it some thought, I think it's down to appropriateness. Is it appropriate to show up at work with a bare face and scruffy hair? Categorically not. Is it appropriate to attend a ball with a bare face if in a sparkly frock? Possibly, but one would look better with some make up on too. I'm not talking drag queen style fake lashes and multi coloured eyeshadow, but most women look more groomed and appropriate with a spot of lip gloss and some mascara on. It's quite a traditional point of view, I grant you, but clearly the OPs dp is of the same mind or else he wouldn't have made the comment he did!

I don't regularly get Id'ed anymore but it is my experience with no make up. My husband is the opposite he tells me not to bother with make up but I do what makes me happy like I think most women do!

This 100%

His comment was sloppy.
Most people do look better when they have made efforts with their appearance, make up can hide a lot.

It must have been so annoying to hear that you would be perceived as a bit younger if you wore make up and titivated yourself a bit.

I can hardly imagine how miffed you must have been. What a thing to say!

Is it appropriate to show up at work with a bare face and scruffy hair?
There's that association again between natural and scruffy or appropriate that I just don't accept.

A bare face, unless you work on a make-up counter so are expected to be advertising their wares on your face, is never inappropriate and it isn't scruffy. There is no correlation between not wearing makeup and having scruffy hair. I suspect we might differ on our assessment of what makes hair "scruffy" as well anyway.

You also make an association between groomed and appropriate. Again, I don't associate make up with looking groomed and I think someone can look utterly lovely and entirely appropriately dressed or presented for any occasion without having added any products to her face.

I can imagine my OH saying something like that but I’d laugh and say something back like some of the examples given and he would laugh back.

By people ypu mean women, right? You don’t expect men to do a ‘basic face’? Ever asked yourself why?
’looking put together’ and ‘putting artificial substances on my face to make it look different’ are not the same thing. Hair clean, well cut and brushed, sure. Clean clothes that I like, also fine. Why add make up when I don’t want to? Men don't and they seem to survive.
It’s not about effort. It’s about interpretation of ‘put together’ and preference.

Why are you assuming bare face goes with scruffy hair? My hair is regularly cut and always clean and styled but I haven’t worn makeup in about a decade. At all. You can be tidy, clean and well presented with your normal face. As men do - or do you think they look silly in a tux and no make up?

There's a premium on youth which I guess is linked to the finitude of life. But it would have been nice if the two older men had told the OP that she had kept them chuckling all evening and that is what she had gone home feeling pleased about. It's something that can be carried with you through life.

Yes, because absolutely everyone looks better with some makeup and hair styled. Is this some sort of a secret now? Doesn't mean you have to do it, but you would look better if you did. Hardly rocket science.

I don't wear makeup and don't style my hair, because I can't be arsed. Unless I'm going out-out (and even then not always) or it's a special occasion. But I absolutely do look better with it.

Husband should have kept his trap shut when no one asked, but factually, he's correct.

Yes, because absolutely everyone looks better with some makeup and hair styled. Is this some sort of a secret now?
It is not a secret that that is a popular opinion. It doesn't make it fact.

Look better... Says who? It's all subjective, isn't it...?

So would everything be alright if his reply to that was, "Yeah, okay"?

I never wear makeup as I never learnt how to do it properly.
My age is guessed as much younger than it is, but that’s the luck of genetics all my family looked young and I’ve got dark eyelashes and good skin.
As far as I’m aware I have never been judged for not wearing makeup.
That said if makeup makes a person feel better then go for it, it don’t try to make people who don’t wear make up feel bad about themselves, that’s not nice.

That's exactly right, OP. There's nothing worse than the "You look nice, you ought to do that more often" type of 'compliment'.

I'd have reminded him, immediately, that he has to sleep.......

this once again. Talk about judgy McJudgeface

hven't RTFT but what i have read is people making non makeup/hairdo wearers feel bad.

I would find it quite funny if my husband said that to me, but we have always taken the mickey out of each other so I know it would have been said light hearted and not nasty. It depends on the type of relationship you have and how it was said. Some people are very over sensitive and some people can say things quite nastily and not realise. Without knowing your relationship no one can really agree or disagree with you. You’ve obviously taken offence, so either you are over sensitive or your husband is a dick.

and again this, also its nobody's place to judge someone else's choices

hahahaha yup. My late husband would never have been so rude

Define ‘better’? I’m happy with the face I was given, I think people who spend time and money never going anywhere without makeup and hair’do’ must have insecurity issues