To think DH can't cope with life

[Mayono]

I can't deal with DH anymore. We are going through big life stresses at the moment, sick parent, little to no income, potential housing issues and he has just resigned to sticking his head in the sand. His default move. Whenever I try to bring anything up or have a conversation with him about our worries he shuts down on me. He claims he can't cope with it, he feels too heavy, too tired ect. If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on. He gets this vacant stare at nothing, almost as if he is half asleep. Then it usually concludes with him giving me some half arsed "yes sorry dear" and then claims he needs to go to bed as he is falling asleep on me and is too tired to function.

However he'd happily sit there and watch TV to 11 or if, like the other night for example, we talk any other problem (such as politics) he will rant on me for a hour straight. I kid you not he got into a heated discussion about immigration and I sat there thinking "wow this is the most I've ever heard you talk. If only you could bring this passion and dedication to matters that actually involve our future."

I've told him how it makes me feel so alone in these problems and it's head banging when every day he chooses to avoid and ignore these issues is another day spent in them. DH has never been much of a go getter but it's worse when it is a hard situation. He has never experienced hardships in his life before and now life has hit him all at once. I always thought if this happened he would have to rise to the occasion but instead he is crumbling and I don't know where that leaves me and the kids....

Well, what does he think is going to happen, if he doesn't act? Is he not working?

Let me guess, his shit life is all the fault of immigrants. You should leave the bastard based on this alone.

@TheGrimSmile no, that isn't his stance. He was going on about how everyone blames immigrants for everything when it's not the case.

you say little to no income. Di neither of you work?

I feel your pain OP. I’m 55, keen to retire. We have a house that’s to big and worth lots and healthy savings and pensions pots. We could downsize, retire now, live a good, healthy, more fulfilling life but my partner flatly refuses to discuss the future at all.

Ahh, sorry, I take it back then. At least he's a caring soul. Maybe he's very sensitive and finds the shit world that we live in overwhelming. I know how he feels. I dont know what the answer is though, sorry. He needs to help you though.

I’m very much unless you can change it what’s the point of going on about it
just repeating it isn’t going to change anything

That sounds really hard. So disappointing to realise that your partner isn't really a partner at all as they won't stand with you/alongside you and tackle things together.

Is there stuff he can do that you can completely delegate to him, so you can focus on the harder stuff that he won't engage with?

Schedule a time to discuss the Big Life Problems in advance. If he's too tired in the evenings that's fair but then he has to commit to doing it at the weekend or whenever he'll be more alert.

When DP and I were going through similar issues a few years ago one of our problems was that we were out of sync when it came to having the mental bandwidth to think through things, make lists, make decisions etc.

In general I think the evening is a bad time for them because you get into a "worry so much you can't sleep => bad sleep makes you feel even more overwhelmed" vicious cycle.

Scheduling in advance also means you both have the chance to mull things over and come to the discussion with firmer ideas. I absolutely hate having to have Big Conversations spontaneously.

And he has no excuses whatsoever not to agree to this method, nor can he cry off from the scheduled time when he was warned in advance.

What was his role in the household before you anticipated him stepping up and ‘rising to the occasion’.

We kind of have a vague agreed upon rule in our house that evenings are not the time to discuss serious matters. We both work quite long days and we're knackered when the evening roles around. Discussions end up in arguments or my DP is falling asleep (though he gets up at 4.15am for work so its fair enough).

We have a phone call in the morning / lunch time to discuss issues of importance. It works well! We're both energised then and are in "discussion mode". Evening is for resting and watching silly TV.

Are the problems solveable? Is there something specific you're asking him to do?

Tiredness and excessive sleeping are symptoms of depression.

Like others: we have summit meetings (when big stuff is going on) that we schedule (and sometimes take time off work for) and have when we are rested and don't have distractions and can actually talk. You do need to engage in this stuff together, but maybe he needs some preparation and planning for it. He may also just be in a really bad place mentally; if that is the case maybe the first topic of the summit meeting is how you can both support him to address that. It's a tough place to be, OP.

Serving a divorce petition is a very effective way to get a discussion going.

You said you have little to no income coming in. Are you both retired?

Are the conversations necessary or are you just ruminating on the problems? I’d have no patience for someone banging on constantly about things that can’t be changed.

I would take charge of the big life problems and leave him to it

People that are super passionate about politics when their life is shit tend to be unwell - he can't cope so youre gonna have to

When you get through it, you can rethink your marriage. I feel for him but I'd rather be alone than with a man who can't take care of me in all honesty

He’s in denial, and avoidant.

myDH is the same and we are divorcing but I went through 2 traumatic life events as you’ve described “alone” in the 25 years we were married.

i have to say though, despite how much I regret staying with him etc… I don’t believe he could control his denial and avoidance. They manifested in very serious mental health problems and I and his Consultant psychiatrist are clear on that point.

its part of the reason for the men’s mental health crisis.

it is also true, but maybe not meaningful, that these men are in fact inadequate and unable to cope with life

Simple. He's scared and doesn't know what to do.

Is he in freeze? So anxious that he feels too overwhelmed to know what to do, make decisions or take action?

I don't think you have provided enough information to comment. What are the conversations you need to have? What decisions do you need to make? Why does it end up on your shoulders if not discussed?

My dad is very much like this too, he is autistic and struggles with dealing with things and any issues that arise that he doesn't immediately know how to deal with just get ignored, with him though it's pointless talking about it because he will just completely shut down and not speak at all or he will just change the subject quickly to his interest which is a coping mechanism for him, some people just struggle when they don't know how to sort something maybe talk to him about how he's feeling first and try and find ways around that and he maybe able to have the important conversations afterwards.

What do you actually want him to do about each specific problem?
Do you have a plan and need him to go along with it? Is it something only he can do? Is there something you could deal with if was agreeable to you getting on with it?
Without knowing more no one can advise you.

I don’t think OP has given any sign she wants help with task allocation. She’s asking whether he can’t cope with life and seems to just want an offload, chat and maybe hear from people with the same issues

I was married to a similar man and I ended up divorcing him. I can now make decisions based on what I want/need without having to consult someone who won't engage but has the power of veto. I'm less stressed, less angry, less resentful.

Funnily enough he can now make household decisions in his new place, including knowing how to use a hoover and how not to run out of clean clothes🙄