To think DH can't cope with life

[Mayono]

I can't deal with DH anymore. We are going through big life stresses at the moment, sick parent, little to no income, potential housing issues and he has just resigned to sticking his head in the sand. His default move. Whenever I try to bring anything up or have a conversation with him about our worries he shuts down on me. He claims he can't cope with it, he feels too heavy, too tired ect. If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on. He gets this vacant stare at nothing, almost as if he is half asleep. Then it usually concludes with him giving me some half arsed "yes sorry dear" and then claims he needs to go to bed as he is falling asleep on me and is too tired to function.

However he'd happily sit there and watch TV to 11 or if, like the other night for example, we talk any other problem (such as politics) he will rant on me for a hour straight. I kid you not he got into a heated discussion about immigration and I sat there thinking "wow this is the most I've ever heard you talk. If only you could bring this passion and dedication to matters that actually involve our future."

I've told him how it makes me feel so alone in these problems and it's head banging when every day he chooses to avoid and ignore these issues is another day spent in them. DH has never been much of a go getter but it's worse when it is a hard situation. He has never experienced hardships in his life before and now life has hit him all at once. I always thought if this happened he would have to rise to the occasion but instead he is crumbling and I don't know where that leaves me and the kids....

What would happen if you dropped the ball and stopped making the decisions on your own....

If it’s about house, homelessness?

I agree it’s frustrating. He sounds depressed tbh.

Whenever my husband and I are not in agreement…well even me with anyone, I always try to look at what “I look like” to the other person. Am I going on too much? Am I making too much of it? Am I the talker and the worrier and I just want to worry out loud all day? Do I want to be heard all the time? Do I want that person to just agree with me? Do I want that person to have all the answers “and make it better”?

It’s not to proportion blame, it just gives me perspective. It gives me a two sided case if you like.

Sometimes I sum up, no it’s not me, and I was absolutely want an answer, an explanation, an outcome, whatever. Other times I decide that I have banged on about that just a little too much and actually I’m the one making its worse. I find it objective tbh.

its hard to get a feel of that from your post, only you can be that objective. If your husband were to write here, would he say that you’re worrying him morning, noon and night and actually there’s nothing to be done at the moment other than wait for a response from (insert here). I’m not saying that’s what he is waiting for or that’s the answer, but realistically how much of your time and his day are set up for just constant talking about it.

unfortunately we can’t shame, shout or talk someone into action. Even harder if they’re depressed. Can you get an agreement from him that you’ll discuss for , I don’t know, an hour a day? That you’ll use the time to look for jobs/housing/solutions for sick parent? Do you have the ability not to talk about it endlessly or worry about it endlessly? This isn’t a criticism of you, I’m the world’s biggest worrier who wants to worry about a problem probably about 20 hours a day….but I’m learning that’s not helping me or the people around me (who actually have the problem).

it’s really hard when you’re one of life’s problem solver. My family always used to say negatively growing up that I had an answer for everything. If only they’d look at it positively because actually I’m trying to problem solve. I may not always get it right or have the answer but I’m trying very hard at it. To feel we’re doing something, feels better than nothing…which is where you are with your husband and that’s why you the feel the frustration. But really we can’t make everyone feel like that. It might not sit with us but some people just like to see how life pans out.

I would be thinking: if he doesn't want to be a partner to me then I'm not going to be a partner to him. I'd make decisions that benefit me and generally cut him out of the loop. He would receive from me the same lack of interest that I received from him.

This isn’t a great solution, they’re still married so there are implication for OP going off and doing her own thing as though he’s not there. Get divorced first then do that

He sounds like a child.
Tell him to grow up and behave like an adult. FFS

This

Plus this

Being a practical sort of person, I'm making suggestions so that the OP can try to get some resolution. Having an idea about what the problem is, how to get him to sort it etc.
Having a moan about it is fine, I'm just trying to help in another way.

I doubt you can. Look at the suggestions to date- “tell him to grow up” “do a rota” “book in a planing meeting” “clarify what you want him to make decisions on” do any of them really sound like they are either going to work, or haven’t already been tried?

He probably needs some therapy to help him find healthier coping mechanisms for opening up and talking about difficult subjects. Worth exploring?

Also, would he find it easier to write things down instead of discussing? I know it sounds ridiculous but if you give him the top 3 questions you want his input on and give him a few days to write the answers it might get more out of him?

This, as well as the feeling of disillusionment, inability to address everyday problems while becoming agitated by things entirely out of your control, and indulging valueless activities for hours on end in order to avoid commitments, procrastination before bed etc

Someone has to raise this with him and put it to him that he visits his GP.

Could he be depressed?

I'm not married anymore - and tbh I find it easier to cope with life's challenges by myself - but I always found when I needed to have serious conversations where he couldn't run away, I would wait until he was in the bath and couldn't escape easily!
Seriously though, you need to get him to help even if it's doing more with the kids so you can deal with other things. You're a team after all.....

I don't know, I don't know because we don't know what the actual problem to be solved is, I know how I dealt with a DH who had ASD and ADHD. And how it helped him to sort out every day issues.
Maybe my experience could help

He’s running away from his problems. I think it’s interesting that many posters on here are admonishing him whilst suggesting you do the exactly the same by asking for a divorce.

No one can give proper advice because we don’t know anything about either of you. We don’t know your ages or even if either of you work. Fight or flight is a response and he’s choosing flight. But I also agree that just talking endlessly about things isn’t going to solve anything.

But you must have known who you married? I used to know a man who sounds very similar. He couldn’t deal with any sort of pressure and spent his life working in a small, comfortable job earning minimum wage - a job he would at some point age out of. He could have very easily pivoted to a similar job and doubled his salary but he had no ambition. He has a family now and I wonder how he’s managing with it.

I don’t think divorce is admonishing?

it’s making an adult decision that the relationship doesn’t work for you anymore.

he can’t help who he is, but that doesn’t mean OP can’t decide it’s not for her anymore

He sounds depressed, or just one of those personalities that cannot cope with stress whatsoever. You say he's never faced anything like this before so it could be he doesn't know how to.

To share the problems, can you split them? It's slightly easier to have one or two problems to work through each than be faced with many which can make us shut down. I know it may feel like you're mothering him but it is what it is and he can only get better at coping with life's crap once he starts to cope with life's crap.

This. I can see both sides of the story as I find problems difficult to face when I am feeling depressed but I also have a partner who is completely passive so nothing gets resolved unless I do it.
Has he always expected you to run his life and it is just more noticeable now that you have so many issues at one time?

Ha ha, no luck, pal. 😆

DH the same, I plan and make the decisions. We do discuss the plan/solution.

Are these the kind of problems that can be fixed by talking about them and forming a plan or are these the kind of immovable problems to just be endured? If it's the the former then I'd feel like you but if you are like some people I know who endlessly ruminate and talk over unchangeable things, then I can understand the instinct to disengage otherwise it is pervasive and unhelpful.

I can be like this when it’s something I am really stressed about, I bury my head and hope it goes away (I have ADHD). What works is like others have said planning in a meeting. Me and my husband joke a bit now and set an agenda and treat it like a work meeting at the start. It’s really helped us get on top of issues like finances as we do a spreadsheet and type up what we have decided for each of the points. It’s such a relief to get it sorted in the meetings too as I don’t realise how stressed I am about things.

Me too but it makes me so resentful and feeling used. It would be lovely to have someone to deal with all life’s issues.

He sounds like he may have depression/anxiety - or procrastinates when faced with difficult situations.

In either case, he should take responsibility for dealing with this, e.g. medical advice, therapy and/or support from family/friends. Or engaging with you to break the problems down into incremental tasks and decide who does what (e.g. you research housing options and seek housing advice, he investigates options for caring for the sick relative). Burying one’s head in the sand is a common reaction when faced with lots of problems at once, but it’s unsustainable, as the problems don’t go away and often get worse if ignored - and impact others.

When the problems or challenges affect a couple equally, it’s not fair for one partner to avoid things and leave it to the other partner to take the lead in sorting out. Of course, all couples have to support each other through tough times to a certain extent. When people have mental health problems, they often need a lot of empathy and gentle persuasion to admit they’re struggling and seek help.

But if he won’t take responsibility for facing problems and investigating solutions, or getting help to be able to do so (e.g. see a GP about his mental health), then you shouldn’t do it all for him.

If you’ve tried to persuade him to face things and he won’t, you should consider if you want to continue in the relationship. You shouldn’t be dragged into a negative spiral, which affects your finances, well-being or future options, by an avoidant DP.