To think DH can't cope with life

[Mayono]

I can't deal with DH anymore. We are going through big life stresses at the moment, sick parent, little to no income, potential housing issues and he has just resigned to sticking his head in the sand. His default move. Whenever I try to bring anything up or have a conversation with him about our worries he shuts down on me. He claims he can't cope with it, he feels too heavy, too tired ect. If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on. He gets this vacant stare at nothing, almost as if he is half asleep. Then it usually concludes with him giving me some half arsed "yes sorry dear" and then claims he needs to go to bed as he is falling asleep on me and is too tired to function.

However he'd happily sit there and watch TV to 11 or if, like the other night for example, we talk any other problem (such as politics) he will rant on me for a hour straight. I kid you not he got into a heated discussion about immigration and I sat there thinking "wow this is the most I've ever heard you talk. If only you could bring this passion and dedication to matters that actually involve our future."

I've told him how it makes me feel so alone in these problems and it's head banging when every day he chooses to avoid and ignore these issues is another day spent in them. DH has never been much of a go getter but it's worse when it is a hard situation. He has never experienced hardships in his life before and now life has hit him all at once. I always thought if this happened he would have to rise to the occasion but instead he is crumbling and I don't know where that leaves me and the kids....

I have to lose my shit before mine will do anything. It's exhausting. I also get accused of 'nagging' 🙄 if you've got one of these, it's easier to trade them in for a wet dishcloth. The dishcloth is more useful and you can shut it in the washing machine if it steps out of line.

I couldn't be doing with this. I manage and solve all my problems alone and I would much rather that than have the illusion of support when really you are carrying it all.

What does he think will happen? You will just do it all?

In jointly owned property etc. you need their cooperation in order to proceed with things like sales. You can't always do things alone.

This is a very wise response.

Your dh sounds burned out or depressed and however unfair it is on you op, he will clam up further if he feels your negativity about him.

Men can be very proud and by always wanting to discuss problems, as he sees it, you may be reinforcing the sense of inadequacy that he is already feeling.

Has your dh always been this way op or is this a recent phenomenon? Have you tried going away together and taking a few walks and having a few dinners on neutral territory? Or just take a flask of coffee to a nearby beauty spot if money is tight. Get away and try and reconnect. This sounds like a deeper problem with your relationship above and beyond how he deals with stressful issues.

This is a really good idea.

Even people who are used to being part of work projects, often don’t do this when it comes to managing a household and family.

It really helps to have ‘project meetings’ where there’s dedicated time to discuss (rather than simply vent about) problems with a view to facing and solving them, by breaking down into manageable, incremental tasks, with agreed actions and deadlines for everyone involved.

And you’re quite right, one big way it helps is by compartmentalising. You only have to face the problem during the dedicated meeting time and the time you’ve set aside to work on agreed tasks (e.g. researching options online). This helps prevent endless worry seeping into every hour of the day, so it’s easier to relax and enjoy life at other times. Much better for mental health.

For example, it really helps young people when revising (which can feel overwhelming): instead of endless worry and procrastination, they do their scheduled two hours of English revision, review progress against their schedule to see if it needs adjusting, then are free to social/relax without worry or guilt.

Are you asking him for solutions or just waffling on about how bad everything is? Do you have any ideas about how to get out of the situation? Has he shared suggestions that you've seriously considered?
I've been around people who repeatedly talk over their problems and take no notice when I offer solutions, it gets to the point where it is draining and offering anything to the conversation seems pointless.

Have you ever had any sort of counselling or coaching? It can help you recognise that this problem solving isn’t welcome or effective and jumping into problem solving mode whenever people try and share their problems with you is exhausting your own energy and frustrations too.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

To those who say to schedule the big talks at a more convenient time are right. I hadn't thought of the fact that he genuinely doesn't have the brain power during the week.

The thing is I have tried him on the weekends and I still get the same response. If it was simply down to tiredness then that's one thing, but DH has always been like this about everything. He is completely avoidant to any real life issues, he can't hack the pressure. Rather than stepping up he falls to pieces, which then inevitably it ends up being me picking it up. He has always been passive, even with our wedding he wouldn't get involved in the planning no matter how much I asked.

He never shows up, he doesn't meet me in the middle with big life situations. He seems to always want things facilitated for him but without any effort put in.

Unfortunately one of the current issues we have at the moment means a real threat of potential homelessness. We have two children under 5. I'm scarred and sick and tired of him burying his head in the sand and not forward thinking about our future. DH is quite happy to just live day by day and not look ahead but that means our current situation is never going to be addressed or bettered.

As long as we are together I assume this a joint issue but DH is making me feel like he has detached from it. As much as I'd love to time these talks this issue is pressing and time sensitive. I feel very much like if I allowed it, DH would only show up for the good and easy parts of life and cower away from the hard parts.

Agree this can also help. For example, emailing with clear questions, e.g.:

• What do you suggest as a first step to solving X?
• Y is my suggested first step. What are your thoughts on that?
• Is it possible you could do Z by this date?

Lots of talking can overwhelm people and having clear questions to answer sometimes gets a response.

Plus, IME, protects you from later gaslighting, blame or wriggling out of responsibility, e.g. “That was your idea - I knew it wouldn’t work” or “I don’t remember agreeing to do that”.

Did that hit a nerve for you? Have you tried any therapy to learn how to move on from wallowing to improving your situation?
When the OP says that him not engaging is another day living in the problem, that very much sounds like she is looking for a solution. Are these not situations where problem solving mode is required?

No not at all. Teaching people to stop solutionising is quite a basic and empowering part of therapy though.

He doesn't want to discuss my solutions because they require us to do things that are hard and for him to potentially change his job, which he is adamant he won't do....

Sounds very much like depression to me too. And if that's the case, all the logical explanations, threats and inducements in the world won't make him act differently - he can't. The only thing he can do is recognise that he's depressed and do something about it. But it can take a long time for people to reach that realisation, then do something about it, then get treatment, then learn how to manage and live with the condition.

[Deleted this para, as you posted an update at the same time OP!]

Suggest you read up on the symptoms of depression, have compassionate conversations with DH about it, and float the idea of him going to chat to the doctor. He'll probably refuse. Then what happens depends on how much you're prepared to shoulder all responsibility for the family.

If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on.

Do you give him time to respond. Don't fill the silence, some people need more processing time to get their thoughts in order. It could be that you are overwhelming him.

Pick one subject. Pick a time when you are both fairly well rested. You can say what do you think about x.... and then wait. No other distractions, no tv on, no phones out, just wait for him to answer. It might seem like an absolute age to you but he might appreciate the thinking time.

If he says I don't know, you can say I'm not asking what you know, I'm asking what you think. And again, give him loads of time to process it. Especially if hasn't spent time thinking about the problems because they are so overwhelming.

Also, if there is no actual solution and you just want to talk about it, someone else might be better to chat with. If he thinks there is no point talking because you can't do anything about it, he will check out.

@rwalker oh I give him plenty of time and then we end up sitting in silence for ten minutes and sometimes his eyes start to close

It sounds like a miserable existence. Why do you stay in such an unfulfilling relationship?

Your description of him is textbook depression .
He needs to see his GP

He doesn't want to be an adult, does he? He didn't even want to plan his own wedding - surely that told you what the future would be like with him?

@EdgarAllenRaven I would agree with this, however he has ALWAYS been like this.

Like I said, he avoiding all planning of our wedding. Was he depressed then?

When ever we had relationship issues he would respond exactly the same, has been depressed for the whole decade we have been together?

He admitted himself he knows he has a tendency to stonewall me. I don't think it's depression, I think it's immaturity and not wanting to take/face responsibility.

My take: given he’s always taken this approach it sounds like he’s saying it’s on you to solve this for him. Do you want to do that?

Well hang on minute, he has discussed this with you and he has vetoed it. So is it that he won't discuss or is it that you don't agree with what he says?

Also, if he was like this even before you married him it sounds like it's just his character. I wonder why you married him if you were already dissatisfied with the scope of his involvement.

And also, weddings can be an absolute bore to plan, even your own so, again, is this about you trying to get him to engage on subjects he just has no interest in but goes along with because it's what you want?

It sounds like you are wanting him to be someone he's not, and someone he's never been and someone he is never going to be.

He probably just got a partner so he could dump life on them

Sorry, but a lot of people do this

you might find you better off without him.

Has he always had someone to rescue him? Or just never faced real problems before?

It does sound like this is who he is, take it or leave it. You can't force him to change, it has to come from him. And he doesn't show signs of engaging with change from what you say.

When ever we had relationship issues he would respond exactly the same, has been depressed for the whole decade we have been together?

This is entirely possible.

Some people experience Depression as a one-off period of low mood, with others it recurs and relents, and others experience it as a life-long, persistent thing that doesn't lift without medication and environmental change, so unsurprisingly they make the mistake of believing that their Depressed state is just inherently who they are.

It's entirely possible, and plausible, that he has been in a Depressed state for the entirety of your knowledge of him. The fact he took no interest in his own wedding planning suggests it.

It's entirely possible, and plausible, that he has been in a Depressed state for the entirety of your knowledge of him. The fact he took no interest in his own wedding planning suggests it.

Not necessarily. At my wedding they were asking what colour napkins I wanted and I thought I don't care. Some people love minute details and stressing over every option and others are more laid back. I bet he didn't care about flowers, or invitations and just went along with whatever OP wanted.

When he does give an opinion which is not the same as hers, she doesn't like that either.

From OP's updates I'm not actually sure what her problem is with her DH other than she wants him to be someone he's not.