To think DH can't cope with life

[Mayono]

I can't deal with DH anymore. We are going through big life stresses at the moment, sick parent, little to no income, potential housing issues and he has just resigned to sticking his head in the sand. His default move. Whenever I try to bring anything up or have a conversation with him about our worries he shuts down on me. He claims he can't cope with it, he feels too heavy, too tired ect. If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on. He gets this vacant stare at nothing, almost as if he is half asleep. Then it usually concludes with him giving me some half arsed "yes sorry dear" and then claims he needs to go to bed as he is falling asleep on me and is too tired to function.

However he'd happily sit there and watch TV to 11 or if, like the other night for example, we talk any other problem (such as politics) he will rant on me for a hour straight. I kid you not he got into a heated discussion about immigration and I sat there thinking "wow this is the most I've ever heard you talk. If only you could bring this passion and dedication to matters that actually involve our future."

I've told him how it makes me feel so alone in these problems and it's head banging when every day he chooses to avoid and ignore these issues is another day spent in them. DH has never been much of a go getter but it's worse when it is a hard situation. He has never experienced hardships in his life before and now life has hit him all at once. I always thought if this happened he would have to rise to the occasion but instead he is crumbling and I don't know where that leaves me and the kids....

The decision whether you leave him or stay with him is down to you alone.
His opinion on the matter doesn't come into it. You have to decide for yourself what you want.

But you can't change him. Nor can you change his parents or their relationship to him. So make your decision with that in mind: leave, or stay and put up with this dynamic for decades into the future.

Just to add, you can decide to leave, but later. Then stay for X months or years for financial reasons, and then leave. The decision being made in advance of carrying it out will give you emotional detachment, so you won't be as wound up by him and he will no longer have the ability to hurt you, because you are detached.

You’re sure he can? Based on what? What about your past experience with him and your current predicament would make you think he’s going to conjure up a third option?

He’s not going to do any such thing. You’re the one here asking for advice. Staying with him and complaining about what he should or could be doing, when it’s very clear he’s not going to do those things is choosing option one: continuing to live like this.

If he has ADHD (and I don’t want to he accused of armchair diagnosing but he certainly has some clear pointers), then his executive functioning has a limit. The severity of his ADHD would be measured by the most mature point he can get to with the executive functioning part of his brain.
that means his brain has reached its limit and theres no more growing up to do. Just like height, there is a limit and there’s nothing we can do to physically grow more.
what he can do is to learn temporary coping mechanisms to manage his tasks/life admin/awareness of mental load/mistakes. A bit like using a ladder when our height means we can’t reach the top shelf. A ladder is a temporary extension to height but it can be used when needed, just like coping mechanisms.

what you’re hoping for is not that he might grow up when you have kids / get a house etc etc but that he might learn coping mechanisms to temporarily improve the maturity of his executive functioning to meet you where you need him to be.

I think you have lost all respect for him @Mayono, and that is a death knell in a relationship.

Before I eventually left my ex, I gave him an ultimatum, as I wanted to outline to him that I would not continue under the current circumstances. And I wanted to know I had done everything to save it.

A year later, I sat him down & told him I was done. He then asked me to go for counselling - too bloody late when he’d done nothing for a year.

Interestingly, he was also enabled by his parents, who constantly bailed him out. At one point point, he & his father decided together that he was going to resign from his job & his parents would give us money - WTF!!!

My life is 100% better without him!

How can someone be stagnant as a person for ten years

OP you have stayed stagnant. You entered this relationship expecting him to change and you are still expecting the same thing ten years later.

Neither of you have changed.

It's common on MN to read threads where the OP is insistent that someone else has to change their behaviour but is not willing to change their own behaviour.

That is what I think OP should reflect on.

Why is this? Why aren't you willing to make any changes yourself OP?

Personally I think it's easier to blame other people that take responsibility for our own choices.

I think you know what you need to do. He is a man child.
let him and his parents have 50% custody if he’s safe to be around your children, leave him and use the time focus on yourself and your kids.

I think a lot of these replies are unfair and some are quite nasty. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to have expected her DH to mature and become more responsible as they grew older together. If that wasn’t possible then what would be the point of therapy and couples counselling?
So, to blame her for choosing to marry him and have children with him is just ridiculous.
OP, I think the suggestion of planning to leave at a future date could be helpful as you are not in a position to leave at the moment with a baby and it might help you feel less resentful towards him in the meantime as you knew your escape was imminent. Whether you tell him of your plan in advance probably depends on whether you have already mentally checked out or whether you are hoping that he will be able to step up given an ultimatum.
I understand how you are feeling and I really hope you can find a way forward that works for you and your children x

Why are you being so spiteful? The OP has already explained that she isn’t earning much atm because she has a baby. Cant you understand that it isn’t straightforward to leave in that situation?

It's not spiteful to point out to someone something that they might not be able to see for themselves. OP is complaining that her DH can't cope with life. Well OP can't cope either. She's in a situation partly of her own making and can't see a way out.

If she stops focusing on him and wanting him to change, she can start to take the necessary steps to secure a happier future for herself and her children. At the moment she has no home, no job and no way of providing for herself.

Only OP can change that. In my opinion she is wasting her time and energy on the wrong person. She's spent a decade waiting for him to change, she should not wait another decade. I don't know why she expects him to change, he is clearly not going to. The only person who can help OP is OP herself and that, imo, is what she should be focusing on.

Otherwise another ten years will pass and she will still be complaining about the same thing.

@Mayono unmanaged ADHD.

My ex has it so does his mother and so did his maternal grandfather. It was a nightmare living with him. And his parents are exactly like your in-laws.

They shielded him from life. It’s like the soft landing ground in children’s park(safety surfacing it’s called). So even if a child should fall off a swing, they don’t hurt themselves because the ground is soft. He never went through the stages of development because he is permanently his parents baby. It has caused a rift between him and his younger brother.

Unfortunately, now my children can’t tell the difference between the way his parents treat him and how they treat them as grandchildren. They feel he is a child just like them. After all , how can you parent when you yourself need to be parented?

If he doesn’t get a grip himself, you are on a hiding to nothing.