To think DH can't cope with life

[Mayono]

I can't deal with DH anymore. We are going through big life stresses at the moment, sick parent, little to no income, potential housing issues and he has just resigned to sticking his head in the sand. His default move. Whenever I try to bring anything up or have a conversation with him about our worries he shuts down on me. He claims he can't cope with it, he feels too heavy, too tired ect. If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on. He gets this vacant stare at nothing, almost as if he is half asleep. Then it usually concludes with him giving me some half arsed "yes sorry dear" and then claims he needs to go to bed as he is falling asleep on me and is too tired to function.

However he'd happily sit there and watch TV to 11 or if, like the other night for example, we talk any other problem (such as politics) he will rant on me for a hour straight. I kid you not he got into a heated discussion about immigration and I sat there thinking "wow this is the most I've ever heard you talk. If only you could bring this passion and dedication to matters that actually involve our future."

I've told him how it makes me feel so alone in these problems and it's head banging when every day he chooses to avoid and ignore these issues is another day spent in them. DH has never been much of a go getter but it's worse when it is a hard situation. He has never experienced hardships in his life before and now life has hit him all at once. I always thought if this happened he would have to rise to the occasion but instead he is crumbling and I don't know where that leaves me and the kids....

So reading between the lines, his work isn’t bringing in enough money and you’re falling behind on rent as a result? With 2 young kids does that mean you are also not working / part time? The obvious solution is that he needs to get more steady work or better paid work but he doesn’t want to do that so he’s blocking the discussion. Something along those lines? He’s just blindly hoping that he’ll get more of his preferred work and you’re telling him there just isn’t the time to wait any more? Do you have any options to increase your income?

Sorry if I’m way off or overstepping. Does it help to share some specifics to maybe get more targeted advice?

He’s not going to change job 🤷‍♀️

so what is there to talk about ?

however he has ALWAYS been like this.
Like I said, he avoiding all planning of our wedding. Was he depressed then?

So he clearly showed you what his personality was like and you still married him. Why then should he change? You accepted his (very low) offerings!

Yes, situations now mean you are having to step up more which I imagine is very difficult, but seriously - what did you expect???

"women marry men hoping they will change, but they don't; men marry women hoping they won't change, but they do" as the saying goes

Not necessarily. At my wedding they were asking what colour napkins I wanted and I thought I don't care. Some people love minute details and stressing over every option and others are more laid back. I bet he didn't care about flowers, or invitations and just went along with whatever OP wanted

When I got hitched I didn't particularly care about certain minutiae either, but that is an entirely different ballpark to taking no interest whatsoever in your own wedding planning and leaving absolutely everything to your partner.

Is it his parent that is ill?

how you describe him makes him sound like he is depressed. The head in the sand/avoidant issue is a symptom of him trying not to get even more stressed.

if he has never had it hard it is probably a lot.

OP I read the rest of your responses now. Do you have a job?

wanting your husband to change jobs is fair enough but it seems he has said no & you are continuing to push it. If you don’t have a job, maybe you need one?

Someone who's completely silent and disengaged stares into the middle distance unless they're ranting incessantly about 'immigrants'.

Yeah I think you might be better off without someone like that in your life.

Depression or possibly ADHD (I have the latter. Which I'm afraid wouldn't be helped by people saying "this person just needs to learn to grow up and take responsibility." On the other hand, I am a big problem solver, so while I don't quite know how that happened, can't always do it when someone's nagging me and telling me I'm 'useless' for not doing things to their timeline or exactly how they want). It can absolutely lead to overwhelm, feeling even worse and shutting down.

And i do think some of this head in the sand stuff sounds like overwhelm or learned passivity which, if he was like it when you got married, makes me wonder why on earth you did? You can't 'make' someone be someone different or assume that life changes will 'make' them be whatever you think is 'grown up' or 'step up' or "have to rise to the occasion".They are who they are. He clearly doesn't haven't the skills to be able to handle this current situation, for whatever reason.

Can you think of anything where, left to his own devices, he HAS actually been able to sort something (or left to sort something) and has done so without intervention or you telling him what to do? What is the usual dynamic and does he usually just do whatever you tell him to? As that may partly be the source of the resistance and over-passivity now.

At the same time, regardless of it probably not being deliberate on his part, it's obviously not fair to put all of the family decisions on you, especially when this concerns the roof over all your heads and your kids. And while I don't think threats and character judgements ("He just can'thandle life/doesn't want to grow up") will work or prove remotely helpful, you seem to be actually in a difficult situation practically, as you say.

So what needs to be done? I mean just telling someone to change his job is not necessarily going to get you the best response from anyone. So are there other potential solutions to the problems you are facing? Are you working yourself?

Well, his 'rants about immigrants" appear to have been about their plight not anti immigrant. If that helps with your kneejerk judgementalism.

This is who he is. You can’t change him or the way he acts. The only thing you can change is YOUR actions. This may include walking away.

Seeing that you’ve been with him for only a decade, you’ll want to consider carefully if this is likely to work for you for the remainder of your days.

I have adhd & we do this too. It sorts my head out & informs DH about the 97 things I'm thinking about, compared to his 2 or 3 thoughts. He's perfectly capable, just very focused. 😁

I didn't say I knew whether he was being either pro or anti immigrant. It just sounds really annoying.

She said he was ranting about immigrants and I sympathised with her. It would be tedious regardless of what 'side' he was on.

I used to work with someone who was a 'doer' and wanted my opinion on everything.

What do you think would look good on this wall. Yellow?
I like green
How about yellow?
I said I prefer green
Yellow would be nice
Ok, do it yellow then.

It's hot in here isn't it, are you hot?
No I'm fine
Do you want me to open a window
No I'm ok
It's very hot though, shalll I open window?
Ok, if you want

On and on and on. So much so that no-one else wanted to work with this person. I was the most tolerant so I volunteered and took one for the team 😂

She once said to me 'I know when you're not interested anymore because you walk away from me' so it's not like she wasn't aware.

We are only getting OP's side and very little detail.

Come off it, you made pretty massive assumption there, and we could all see it. You assumed he was a 'bad right wing person" and dismissed him completely on the basis of what you imagined his views were.

I don't think he sounds like those are his views. As it turns out, he's almost certainly a bit studenty, maybe a bit idealistic, maybe a bit head in the clouds? But not a non-compassionate person, although possibly more invested in 'good causes' out there than what's going on under his own roof with his own family which I'd 100% agree he needs to be focused on.

And yes, the passivity and avoidance when we're in a dire situation would annoy the fuck out of me too, but it's pretty important to look at what seems to be going on here and not make assumptions about his having 'bad' motivations like subjugating his partner, because it makes the likely solutions different. A deeply conservative 'far right' type wanging on about immigrants and making his partner do all the 'woman stuff' isn't quite the same as a probably sweet but impractical bloke who is focused on political issues in the outside world but gets overwhelmed with many facets of day to day reality and doesn't feel he has the skills to step up and save the day when his family needs him to.

I didn't say he was far right. You're the one making assumptions about me. All I said was that he was ranting about immigrants. And that it's tedious.

Stop telling me what I think.

@Mayono I feel your pain.

@Rainbowdottie

I just wanted to thank you for your post because you have helped me unlock why I feel so frustrated when I have to deal with my mother!

What made you fall in love with him and want to marry him?

Are those qualities still there?

I find that my DH is like a child. He can’t think in any way beyond instant gratification. If he doesn’t want to do something, he throws wobbler. All big matters, or problems, are batted back to me. My five year old has more emotional intelligence…

Have you tried batting it back to him by asking "when would be the right time to talk about these things?" "What do you want to start with?"

You are married to a mental pygmy or, at best, a manchild.

Divorce him. You are not an equal and he will never have your back.

"All I said was..."

Lol, sure, Jan. 😏🙄

Of course, anyone ranting on about anything at all is tedious, especially when you need them to be focusing on something closer to home. But your assumption was glaringly obvious,sorry (and you weren't the first in the thread) , even if you don't like to admit how clearly that may come across to others.

"Someone who's completely silent and disengaged stares into the middle distance unless they're ranting incessantly about 'immigrants'.
Yeah I think you might be better off without someone like that in your life."

This is her husband and the father of her children. She'd be better off without "someone like what" in her life?

I think she'd be better off trying to find a way that works for the two of them to solve their practical problems together so they don't lose the roof over their heads.

Jesus.

Honestly, I think things like this that make you realise your partner is not a partner but more like a child you need to support, are relationship killers. There was no way back from that realisation from me.

Just a thought, but if he has always been like this, could he be autistic? My Ex turned out to be autistic. Diagnosed many years after we were married. Poor executive functioning is a trait. More I found out about it, more it made sense of how I was the one who organised and planned everything too.

Are you Marge Simpson?

It sounds like overwhelm/trauma response - the rational part of his brain closes off and he probably literally can’t think or speak. Does he feel under threat in any way?

One thing you could try is alternative means if communicating eg writing to each other - this is sometimes possible even in situations where a person can’t talk.

Have you tried a counsellor? Is there something in your DHs past which might make him have an extreme response to conflict? He might be perceiving danger even if that makes no sense to you.