To think DH can't cope with life

[Mayono]

I can't deal with DH anymore. We are going through big life stresses at the moment, sick parent, little to no income, potential housing issues and he has just resigned to sticking his head in the sand. His default move. Whenever I try to bring anything up or have a conversation with him about our worries he shuts down on me. He claims he can't cope with it, he feels too heavy, too tired ect. If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on. He gets this vacant stare at nothing, almost as if he is half asleep. Then it usually concludes with him giving me some half arsed "yes sorry dear" and then claims he needs to go to bed as he is falling asleep on me and is too tired to function.

However he'd happily sit there and watch TV to 11 or if, like the other night for example, we talk any other problem (such as politics) he will rant on me for a hour straight. I kid you not he got into a heated discussion about immigration and I sat there thinking "wow this is the most I've ever heard you talk. If only you could bring this passion and dedication to matters that actually involve our future."

I've told him how it makes me feel so alone in these problems and it's head banging when every day he chooses to avoid and ignore these issues is another day spent in them. DH has never been much of a go getter but it's worse when it is a hard situation. He has never experienced hardships in his life before and now life has hit him all at once. I always thought if this happened he would have to rise to the occasion but instead he is crumbling and I don't know where that leaves me and the kids....

I understand the worry regarding a sick parent OP but realistically what can your DH do about it? Some people are just are incapable of offering support or a listening ear to even those closest to them. Hard as that is to accept. With regard to income if your DH refuses point blank to increase the family income by getting another job how can you force him? That’s always assuming someone else would employ him on a higher salary. It must be incredibly frustrating for you but you are just hitting your head off a brick wall. You may end up making yourself ill over it all.How precarious is your housing situation @Mayono if your finances don’t improve? Are you able to work? With two young children you might actually be better off without him and able to claim benefits as a single parent. Not an easy decision to make though.

DP can be like that, right up to the blank stare and saying he's falling asleep. He's so burned out from masking at work that there's no space left in his head for things that don't have a specific approach and no more than two steps involved - which is why a vague, talking about feelings, multiple interrelating concepts and mostly unsolvable problems with no definitive time/date or location at the end of the day would be a waste of time; it's an overwhelming demand he can't process. But he can easily talk about concrete facts - it's the nebulous, theoretical what ifs and maybes that he can't pin down.

He's not going to change.

Your only option here is to make solid plans that only include what you can control. Plan around him. Don't bother discussing anything with him. Secure your own future, and that of your children.

You might also want to think about whether he is the partner for you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Is the best solution to your possible homelessness him getting a better job? If so, he needs to come up with an alternative way to deal with it if he's refusing to look for a new job. What other options for a home are there? I ask because that sounds like the most urgent problem to resolve.

OP- Your DH sounds exactly like my brother (right down to the political rants when he claims he's too busy to discuss pressing matters). In his case I think it's partly personality and partly learned behaviour. He never wanted to plan ahead or deal with any difficult decisions/uncomfortable situations but our parents always shielded him from the consequences of this. So I think he learned that if he just ignored boring planning or difficult situations someone else would deal with it and everything would be OK. His usual response if asked to make plans/discuss problems is 'You overthink everything, just play it by ear and everything will be fine'. Which of course for him has always been true because our parents have been behind him dealing with problems for him before he has even realised they exist.
In your situation, I think you need to firstly do whatever is necessary to make sure you and your children have a home. This probably means accepting for now that your partner won't be making any changes and finding out what options you have to deal with the problems on that basis. But I would not do this silently- I'd make it clear to him that since he won't discuss the problems and there will be serious consequences if you wait, you will have to deal with it alone. When you have the immediate situation under control I think you need to tell him that there needs to be a serious discussion about why this happened. If he thinks it may be depression/mental illness it's only fair to you and your DC that he seeks help. If not why won't he step up?

I feel your pain OP. My husband is the same.

this is just my situation, it could be completely different to yours.

my husband has severe ADHD. His executive functioning so bad that he can’t take responsibility for anything even when things are going well. He doesn’t know how to budget or assess prices or think in parallel to make a decision, eg when buying car insurance. This coupled with a dysfunctional childhood means he struggles with big family decisions. He never saw his parents solve anything logically or calmly, no matter how big or small or manageable his mother only had one “tool” which was anger. He experienced constant turmoil at home. Constant drama over the smallest things. Always in debt, always being evicted from wherever they were renting because his parents didn’t pay the rent.

i wonder if your husband experienced stonewalling between his parents and in difficult times his trauma bonds means he repeats what he saw as a child? That is even more destructive when combined with not knowing how to solve things and not knowing how to put steps in place to change. Maybe he is too scared to change jobs and he doesn’t know what steps to take make the change.

my husband also struggles with accepting reality. If I saw we can’t afford something he would rather scream and shout about secret accounts I hold (I don’t!) or take out a loan (I refuse to get into debt) than plan as to how we could save up for it instead. He definitely gets this from his mum and recognises this once he has calmed down.

I am sorry you’re going through this. I wish you well. I don’t have a solution except finding out the root cause for why he might struggle.

Men who have kids but then rule out getting a better paid job to accommodate them have their partners in a somewhat ‘checkmate’ position.

• Either their DP has to increase their earnings (while often doing more than their fair share of housework, childcare and mental load) to house the family

• Or their DP has to leave them and house their children as a lone parent (even harder).

Most women faced with such irresponsibility eventually opt for option 2 - because it’s draining and unfair to carry a man through life - and to keep doing so breeds resentment and kills the relationship. Plus, they’re entitled to child maintenance.

You're not wrong about their relationship.

But I don't care if you believe I think immigration rants are boring regardless of whether they're pro or anti.

Op, for me the question would be- what would happen if you faltered? E.g. if you were unwell or something happened? Would he step up and care for the children and make them a priority? If not, then I would be thinking very long and hard about my future.

Yes, miserable existence.
For him.

Interesting scope of responses here. Lots to consider.

I do keep saying to DH I think he has some form of autism/ADHD. Both his brothers do and suspect his dad does as well so it's not far fetched. He always refuses to believe it but he really struggles with emotions to the point where he comes across robotic. I used to think it was a man thing until I realised his case is extreme. He never knows what he is thinking or feeling, whenever I ask him just to explain why he does something or what he is thinking (to fill the silence he creates) he always just says he doesn't know. It's his go to response. We even had couples counselling and the counsellor said he MUST know himself, she was as baffled at his genuine cluelessness and lack of self awareness.

To those who say depression, again I just don't think it fits the bill. If it was depression would it be selective? Would it only conveniently come out when he needs to step up and face a hard situation. I think the fact that he is normal and can be very open and communication about anything else suggests this isn't the case. You can't just hit depression on and off like a light switch.

Also to those saying I'm too much of a go getter....DH literally checks out of EVERY hard issue. Money, doesn't want to talk. Jobs, doesn't want to talk, housing, no, relationship issues, no. If he hurts me I can kiss any chance of resolve or reconciliation goodbye. Not a single chance in hell. I married him because he is a good dad. Trust me when I say I had a lot of conflict pursing this relationship but ultimately I decided his pros were worth sticking around for. He is good at the practical side of life, he is an active father role, he cooks and he puts the kids to bed. A sad standard to go off I know but from hearing about other people's hellish men experiences I do feel lucky in that sense that I know if I'm ill he will watch the kids and take care of me, he will cook ect. I've heard so many horror stories of men and so decided that as no one was perfect I could put up with this ... HOWEVER it has never affected our "family" before. It's one thing for me to experience this within our personal relationship issues but this time our kids futures are on the line and I thought if not for me at least for them he would do better.

I have recently had a baby, otherwise I would get more hours. The extra stress this has put on me whilst being postpartum has been horrific. I really don't think people realise how head banging it is to have someone turn into a brick wall when you are coming to them upset, scared, hurt ect

I also think I should add DH has had a very healthy typical childhood but his parents have ALWAYS shielded him and got him out of situations. Even when he did something majorly wrong (that I won't go into here) he was let off the hook so easily, he has never once had to deal with a repercussion. It's definitely caused DH to be a man child in that respect. He always heavily relies on his parents to come in and save the day and they always do. It's done him no favours and if anything it's stunted his maturity.

Now we are currently living with his parents since we have no money and rather than doing more to get us out of the situation he is quite happy to stay here. I am climbing the walls and I want to leave. He says he does too but his actions say otherwise. It's insufferable. His parents will always be his safety net and whether he tells me all the right things or not he will always depend on them to be.

He sounds so similar to mine, OP right down to the suspected ADHD and being shielded by his parents so being totally unable to deal with any conflict or difficult situations. I’ve decided to give up on expecting any support from him
and to work to sort out all our issues myself and then do what is best for me. I’ve been so unhappy with him for so long and I’ve lost any self-emresoect I had by putting up with it for so long.

Why did you keep having children with this man?

FFS, Is that supposed to be helpful?

@Yellowteeth sorry to hear about your partner also being problematic. Can I ask, since you are basically acting single and alone don't you think you are better off that way? What is the point of a relationship where you can't expect your partner to show up. This is what I'm struggling with. If it wasn't for the fact I have the baby and can't work as much as I want I think I would have packed my bags.....

It's relevant though. OP didn't like him before she married him and yet she went ahead and on top of that had children with him. Knowing full well that he cannot communicate, cannot show support or hold a conversation.

Despite all that, she still thinks that he's a good parent.

Does he interact with the children but not OP? What's going on here...

Hi @Mayono , I’ve only just given up on him this week so it will be a new approach going forward for me to see how it works out not relying on him. We have a lot of work to do on our house to be in a position to sell it so I’m going to push ahead with that and see how things are when it is all done. I love the house and we have animals which will have to be rehomed if we do sell up, which is partly why I have put up with him for so long.
ive found it interesting to see on MN how many men seem unable to share the load with their partners.
Im sorry you are in the same position and hope you can work out a way to sort it out or leave.

Ok so I think it is clearer now what the nature of the problem is. He does not earn enough for you to live as a family and you cannot make up this difference due to child rearing. Therefore you are living with his parents which he is fine with but you are not and he just won’t discuss it.
I would not try to discuss it with him. I think in your situation I would look to separate and move out with my children. I would look at what benefits I could get if single and what CMS I could expect and see if I could find something to rent and / or present as homeless to the council on the basis of relationship breakdown you can’t stay where you are. I might be tempted to rent a one bed place and have the child share with
me so he can’t move in (or me sleep in the living room on a sofa bed).
Once gone, I’d wait for HIM to talk to ME about the situation. I’d refuse to let him move in with me and state as soon as he has a home for his family (and whatever other issues you need resolving) you are happy to return.
if by some miracle you obtain a very nice council house you want to keep, I’d specify whatever other changes you need to see before he joins you (but recognise once he is in though you won’t be able to get him out unless you divorce so he is going to have to really earn it)

Don't have "chats" with him. Call a meeting, with an agenda, ask him for any agenda items he would like discussed. Run the meeting as if your family was a business: action plans, tasking etc. etc.
There are few things more corrosive to good home life than endless conversations/discussions about basic things - and your OH seems to be just trying to offload all of the responsibility to you.
Call a meeting and make him get involved.

He sounds depressed.

Well he's obviously never going to change is he!

For whatever reason this is who he is and trying to change him is a total waste of your time and energy

The way I see it you have 2 choices.

• Stay in the marriage but take on ALL the responsibilities and decisions. Get a full time job and he can be the stay at home parent since you say he's such a good father.

• Leave the marriage and forge a new life for you and your children. He can stay with his parents as a little boy with no cares or burdens.

@Flymehomejeff he is literally fine. The only time he acts like this is when I bring up the issues we face.

Have you made any decisions about what you are going to do OP?

This is actually very sound advice. Treating your family unit like a business makes a lot of sense. Admin, finance, scheduling, task-setting - it's very much the same thing.

If he's not up to the job, you're better off without him.