To think DH can't cope with life

[Mayono]

I can't deal with DH anymore. We are going through big life stresses at the moment, sick parent, little to no income, potential housing issues and he has just resigned to sticking his head in the sand. His default move. Whenever I try to bring anything up or have a conversation with him about our worries he shuts down on me. He claims he can't cope with it, he feels too heavy, too tired ect. If I try to talk to him he just doesn't respond, I constantly have to prompt him to engage otherwise it's me just waffling on. He gets this vacant stare at nothing, almost as if he is half asleep. Then it usually concludes with him giving me some half arsed "yes sorry dear" and then claims he needs to go to bed as he is falling asleep on me and is too tired to function.

However he'd happily sit there and watch TV to 11 or if, like the other night for example, we talk any other problem (such as politics) he will rant on me for a hour straight. I kid you not he got into a heated discussion about immigration and I sat there thinking "wow this is the most I've ever heard you talk. If only you could bring this passion and dedication to matters that actually involve our future."

I've told him how it makes me feel so alone in these problems and it's head banging when every day he chooses to avoid and ignore these issues is another day spent in them. DH has never been much of a go getter but it's worse when it is a hard situation. He has never experienced hardships in his life before and now life has hit him all at once. I always thought if this happened he would have to rise to the occasion but instead he is crumbling and I don't know where that leaves me and the kids....

A marriage is not a business, I seem to recall my marriage vows said something very different. Thank God as I’ve suffered with mental health I’m actually married to someone kind who loves me rather than measuring my worth by whether I’m “up to the job”! Bloody hell!

I think it is different if one partner can’t contribute equally because of ill health. The feelings of resentment wouldn’t be the same as if the partner is just going mentally AWOL because they know their partner will have to deal with all the issues themselves.

OP, I had one like yours.

He had periods of depression leading to job losses, but was in denial & wanted to continue the life we had (but couldn’t afford) with a big mortgage etc.

He wasn’t prepared to make any meaningful change in our lives to future-proof these recurring episodes, such as downsizing, moving somewhere cheaper etc.

He was doing fuck all while I was out at work all day & kids were in school - not a meal cooked or online shop done while he pissed around at the gym, and surfed the net - I’d come home from work to find him on the sofa. Every bloody day!!

I lost all respect for him, and that was the end.

As a single parent, I’m still responsible for bloody everything now, but I don’t have the resentment of dealing with a useless man who contributed nothing.

Spot on. The resentment is the killer

tbh for the OPs description the DH sounds like he’s exhibiting some classic trauma response behaviour - he most likely needs some MH help

That could be true but if he won’t take any steps to address it then that still leaves the OP in an impossible situation

@Wellthisisdifficult how did you come to that conclusion? I have trauma responses from having an physical and verbal abusive childhood. What dh is like seems more like selfishness and a serious lack of maturity to me.

And sorry what's the trauma my partner has supposedly experienced? The trauma of not wanting to give up his failed independent business that isn't making any money and forced us to move in with his parents?

The amount of sympathy my partner has received on here is just outstanding to me. This isn't a man who is hard done by, this a man who doesn't want to make big adult decisions and runs away from his life responsibilities. Except we have two small children that rely on him and he isn't acting like an adult let alone a dad.

He has run back to mummy and daddy to save the day and of course, as per always they are. Now they are discussing moving out of their own house so DH can live here permanently!!!! Again, so he doesn't have to even lift a thing. This is all absurd. I don't want any of this as I know realistically what will happen is we will all just be stuck living together indefinitely and living with my in laws is driving me insane. However dh is comfortable being back at home and it's enabled him to not have to confront real life problems

OK well you said it. He's always been like this. You chose to marry and have kids with him anyway. It's taken you all this time to realise you dislike an obvious part of his character that was there all along and now you have buyer's remorse.

Too late to advise not marrying someone you don't like but the next best thing is to separate from them now. He's not going to change.

@gannett we got together early twenties, I thought he would grow up not necessarily change. I thought have a couple of kids and going into this thirties things would be different. How can someone be stagnant as a person for ten years

So shame on me for thinking ten years down the line I wouldn't be dealing with the same problems, let alone it be affecting my children, that's my bad right

Honestly I have a lot of sympathy for that frustration that he won’t grow up. it’s an astonishing level of passivity and if you’ve been clear that living with his parents indefinitely is not something you’re happy with then it’s really not okay for him to just ignore that.

I don’t know what to suggest though. You can’t force him to get a job if he’s really determined not to. You could go your separate ways but it is disruptive to the kids and it’s hard to know from the outside whether useless but not actually nasty is worth that cost.

I also don’t know why some threads get everyone piling on that the man must be evil and others get a mountain of oh it must be adhd / depression / trauma (which obviously excuses everything). That’s the internet for you.

He won't change.

His parents won't change.

It works for them in some weird way and they are "happy" with it all.

You are the one who has a (100% understandable) problem with it. So YOU are the one who will have to change the dynamic.

Rather than focus on them and posters here that support your H, focus on what you want and how you are going to change things. That is all you can do.

People are who they are. Of course they change in some ways, but innate reactive behaviours and coping strategies are fixed and integral parts of our characters.

Also don’t agree with people saying that you shouldn’t have entered a relationship expecting he would change in modest, common ways like gradually taking on a bit more responsibility and becoming less dependent on their parents.

But in the end. You can’t make him do anything very much. You can only choose your response. If venting helps then vent away.

I totally get your frustration OP but the fact is YOU CANT MAKE HIM CHANGE

People on here aren't sympathetic to him - but only you can change your life by leaving him, or stay and put up with it.

You thought he would mature but he hasn't and he obviously won't.

Your move.

She he showed you exactly who he is and you ignored it?

The red flags where there you chose to disregard them

Whether he is autistic or simply extremely avoidant, he needs to find out, seek support and engage with it. Otherwise the only option is that you split because he is dragging you down and you can’t carry an extra child for the rest of your life. He needs a kick up the backside, even if he is depressed, it takes a lot of effort but he can change if he wants to. You staying with him and his parents enabling him means there are no consequences for him not changing

I hear you OP and I also agree with some others that he is unlikely to change. Your options - divorce. Or accept that you will be the one responsible for running this family and being responsible for all the hard stuff, while he can help out with the day to day tasks, to take some load off your plate.
Figuring out how to move out, increase inncome - sorry, you're on your own. But he will do the laundry and feed the kids. If that works for you then that's that.

I've only read your posts OP but it seems highly unlikely that he's going to change because his parents will always enable him. Can you leave? Do you have family or friends who can help you?

Yes, tbh. This is the man and the life you chose. He didn’t bait and switch on you, as sometimes happens to people. He showed you who he was from the outset, and you decided this was the man for you/father of your children.

Now, you can choose to continue to live like this, or you can leave. Those are your options.

@IHate well DH doesn't want me to leave, I don't want to leave for the children. At the same time I can't live with him being like this. So rather than it all be doing to me I'm sure he can find it within himself to conjure up a third option if he doesn't want me to choose the later.

Or is everything down to me?

In theory yes aboslutely he should pull his head out of his arse the sand. trouble is that you cannot make him change and shape up. He is refusing to. You have said yourself you have tried and tried and he refuses to engage.

Or is everything down to me?

Yes, because he showed you who he was and you still married his useless, lazy arse and chose to have kids with him.

Your choices.

So now carry on making choices, but make sure that these ones will have a positive, not negative, effect on your life.