Was I stingy re DS's Birthday?

[flippingkid]

For context I'm a lone parent with a 50/50 co parenting arrangement with ex partner and earm a little bit above minimum wage and get some uc top up but I do own my own property mortgage free so I'm lucky in the fact I can manage a few extra treats .
I've had a shit year health and work wise and my friend found a bargain break in the sun (think less than 300 quid) which coincided with DS 's 16 birthday. Anyway I asked DS three times if he minded me going away as he was at his Dad's anyway. He assured me it was fine and we could celebrate his birthday when he came back .He also asked for money for his birthday which was fine .
I go on holiday- call him on his birthday and transferred £100 (from me and ex as it was the joint amount agreed upon)
Anyhoo it appears DS was expecting more on the basis I could afford a holiday and has since refused to speak to me calling me stingy and that he couldn't buy much with only £100.
To say the least,I'm absolutely livid at his sense of entitlement and ungratefulness but am failing to get him to understand my why hes being such an arse !
I was also planning on taking him out for food which would have been another 50 quid,plus he gets treats and days out,cinema trips throughout the year .
Aibu and being stingy?
Not sure how to proceed and sort this mess out as I dont want to give in to emotional blackmail but likewise its bern three weeks and hes still refusing to come home or speak to me !

What an ungrateful arse he’s being!

I certainly wouldn’t be getting him anything next year and wouldn’t be buying him anything at all except essentials until he properly apologises.

You gave what you could afford and he can buy something really nice for himself with £100!

He’s being ungrateful, £100 isn’t a stingy amount of a birthday present for any age.

I don't think the amount of money is a problem but perhaps at 16 he isn't mature enough to realise he would be affected by you being away over his birthday.

You said you transferred the £100 from you and the ex (who he was staying with) so did the ex make no fuss on the day? Could he not have given his son a card with money? I just wonder if his birthday passed by without anyone bothering much and he's upset but perhaps not even understanding himself quite why.

Aww I'm in two minds with this. 16 is seen as "celebration" to some teens so personally I would have used the holiday money to gift to him.

Thats my thoughts entirely...hes of the mindset that because I went on holiday- his Dad isn't getting the same angst as he obviously didn't go away ..

@I8toys Thats partly my dilemma..I do sort of get how his 16 year old logic is working.

Good point .I tend to be the default parent that sorts stuff like this as ex is terrible with money and getting his arse into gear organising anything .I've tried talking to him but the only reasoning I'm getting is that he 'couldn't but much with £100'

16 is a milestone birthday for a teen; and you werent there. No matter if he said yeah its fine beforehand, on the day - you werent there, there was no special day, there was no celebration and his mum wasnt there

Thats my thinking.

My dad went on holiday for my 16th and I still think about it. Decades later.

It lead to him thinking it was ok to dodge my birthday for my entire life as he's often "away". It sends a message that your holiday is more important than your child's special milestone birthday (16th is a biggie!)

So I think it's less about the money and more about being away from his mum on an important day. (Important to him)

But a 16 year old may not be able to put this into words.

The problem is it can get a bit competitive with birthdays
some people treat birthdays as the 2nd rising booking days off going well overboard on presents tbh it does kids no favours as just raises entitled brats and adults

I would tell him your upset he’s so ungrateful and irrespective of your financial situation even if you had thousands in the bank you would still deem £100 a suitable present

Nope

I don't think the money per se would be an issue, but being away over a 16 birthday is.

He's being very rude, but a thoughtful 16th birthday gift bought for £100 is very different to £100.

Honestly, I think you’ve messed up here. He got no fuss on his birthday, and just a bank transfer for £50! (I know it was £100 in total, but £50 each from you and ex). I completely get why he’s feeling let down by you. Think of it from his side - you swanned off on a lovely holiday and left him, then couldn’t even be arsed to get him a proper present. Even putting the cash in a card would have been better! 16 is a bit of a milestone, and I’m sure he would have liked a bit more fuss (not saying you had to spend loads if you can’t afford it, but I definitely would have prioritised my child’s birthday over a holiday!) He clearly thinks you’re not bothered, and is lashing out.

I think £50 each from mum and dad is pretty tight for a 16th tbh when mum has also gone on holiday without him (spending money etc would have bumped that up).

16 is still very young and I think at 16 id have found the situation a bit hurtful.

I’m a bit on the fence - yes he’s being rude but he’s also probably a bit disappointed with the lack of effort.

I don’t understand the joint gifting either- why?

Im a single parent of 3 - their 16/18/21st birthdays are a bit of a big deal - mine ask for money but also got a piece of jewellery and a few treats plus a nice card and a fuss. Not from me and their dad but from me.

Im not rolling in money either but you know when their big birthdays are and save a bit in advance

I think he acted badly, but to be honest you spent £300 on a holiday, went away over his birthday (does his dad live too far away for you to have a brief visit with your son on his actual birthday?), and bank transferred £100. The whole thing sounds incredibly low effort and transactional, and as a teen that's the thing that I'd have found hurtful. Perhaps he isn't quite able to identify or articulate exactly why it's hurtful.

A 16th birthday is a big deal. I wouldn't have gone away on holiday for that.

Everyone does birthdays differently but this does come across as low effort in the extreme. I would be upset if I was your DS.

Did he have nothing at all to open on the day? This is his dad’s fault too but I would be feeling remorseful in your position.

Why didnt you book a holiday with him? He turned 16 . Personally I make a big deal when mine turn 16. Its not about how much money/gifts but making them feel special.
Did you atleast have card delivered or anything? Any small gifts for him to open ? Little treat or surprise? Just some show of effort other then loggin on to online banking whist on holiday ?

When I started to read the OP, I thought the OP was going to say she had booked a cheap holiday for her son and her over his birthday!

Why

You have asked if you were being stingy and honestly my view is that yes you were stingy.
Not saying you had to go over board with £1000’s spent and parties either but £100 split between you and his dad is stingy especially when you have just paid for a holiday for yourself. Could you have not at least given £100 and dad give £100. Agree with son you can’t get much for £100 these days.
Then there is the fact you were on holiday during his birthday which also doesn’t sit right with me. Could you really not have found a holiday deal for another date?

I can understand why your son feels hard done by here both parents spend £50 each which is transferred to him rather than given to him personally and his mum goes on holiday so isn’t even around for the day.

Sorry but think as parents you both messed up here.

This. He is being rude and that’s not right but I do 100% understand his hurt.
£50 each from you is stingy when you’ve prioritised a holiday.

Sounds like a lacklustre low-effort 16th with no emotional effort made by anyone. I wonder if that’s the real issue here, rather than the money which is easy to focus on. We made a huge effort on our kids 16th birthdays, and it wasn’t about the money or presents. He is expressing himself badly, but I expect that at the bottom of it is hurt.

I did as well! For my 16th birthday (many years ago!) I’ve got no idea what my parents did for me but in this case it’s not great to go away and then transfer some cash over, no token gift, cake and so on.