Was I stingy re DS's Birthday?

[flippingkid]

For context I'm a lone parent with a 50/50 co parenting arrangement with ex partner and earm a little bit above minimum wage and get some uc top up but I do own my own property mortgage free so I'm lucky in the fact I can manage a few extra treats .
I've had a shit year health and work wise and my friend found a bargain break in the sun (think less than 300 quid) which coincided with DS 's 16 birthday. Anyway I asked DS three times if he minded me going away as he was at his Dad's anyway. He assured me it was fine and we could celebrate his birthday when he came back .He also asked for money for his birthday which was fine .
I go on holiday- call him on his birthday and transferred £100 (from me and ex as it was the joint amount agreed upon)
Anyhoo it appears DS was expecting more on the basis I could afford a holiday and has since refused to speak to me calling me stingy and that he couldn't buy much with only £100.
To say the least,I'm absolutely livid at his sense of entitlement and ungratefulness but am failing to get him to understand my why hes being such an arse !
I was also planning on taking him out for food which would have been another 50 quid,plus he gets treats and days out,cinema trips throughout the year .
Aibu and being stingy?
Not sure how to proceed and sort this mess out as I dont want to give in to emotional blackmail but likewise its bern three weeks and hes still refusing to come home or speak to me !

Nope - the alternative is sending the money AND making a fuss of his birthday- nice breakfast, few little surprises, a bloody card and cake - mine always want money but that doesn’t mean I transfer money on their birthday and think ‘job done’.

Sorry but that sounds like a pretty miserable 16th birthday. Literally no effort from either parent no wonder he is feeling deflated. Just wouldn’t occur to me to not be around for my son’s 16th and if all I could afford was £50 then I wouldn’t have booked myself a holiday.

YABU. He isn’t dealing with it very well but I get why he’s angry, hurt and disappointed.
I would never have booked a holiday over my kids birthday. I bet if you’d have made a fuss-balloons, cards, going out for tea- he wouldn’t be bothered about the money. That said, a bank transfer (?!) of a hundred quid is piss poor.

£50 from you and your ex is stingy,

Did you give him a gift to open on his birthday too? It just sounds like no one made the effort?

16 is a big birthday, unfortunately, he will likely remember this for the rest of his life! If I were you, I would be making amends.

I have a nearly 14-year-old and know she would be hurt if I just gave her money and that was it, no fuss.

I think it's fine from you but ex should have done his own thing. I sometimes get joint gifts with my ex, but only usually for very expensive items that I wouldn't get otherwise. You basically gave him £50, which isn't much for a 16th - if you couldn't afford more then fair enough, but you could because you went on holiday. I think that is his mindset.

Are you in OP’s shoes? I’m not, so I wouldn’t judge.

She’s on close to minimum wage, she could only afford this holiday because it was a special deal at this time, and it doesn’t sound like holidays are a big feature of her life.

DS was already going to be spending his birthday with his dad before the holiday presented itself. The £100 had been agreed between the parents and DS isn’t angry at his dad. While I agree OP should have done more on the day, and said so above, there was no need to pass up the trip under these circs.

I think there is a decent chance DS was put out to realise that he isn’t the complete centre of his mum’s world. (On top of the fact that she was a bit, but not hugely, negligent in the opinion of some of us) That’s a natural part of growing up. He needs to start coming to terms with it.

Of course OP should help make it easy and that means helping to maintain his dignity. She’s in a slightly delicate position.

Looking back at your original post OP can you arrange with your ex to go round with a cake, a few sweets etc and get a takeaway of his choice all together (if you have the £50 you were going out with but hopefully ex can also chip in).

I think you need to say to your son that you were mistaken to go away for his birthday when he is not yet an adult and you realise he still needs a fuss from his parents on his birthday. Say sorry you weren't there and give him a hug.

Did he get a cake? Did he have a few bits to open on the day? Or was it just a case of money arriving in this bank account?

I wouldn’t say stingy but I would say low effort, even a card with the money left in it just seems more exciting for a birthday than transferring money over. Another that says his teenage brain is probably using you as a scapegoat though for not realising he probably wanted you there and for his birthday to consist of more

I think it is the combination of things that has caused the upset here.

Firstly, I don’t think it’s great you’ve basically swanned off on holiday on his 16th birthday. He was hardly going to say “no, you can’t go” but that doesn’t mean he was happy with it.

Secondly, there doesn’t seem to have been much affection or love shown. I can’t imagine any teen would feel great with a £50 bank transfer in the way you’d pay the window cleaner:

Thirdly, I don’t think £50 each is really very much for a milestone birthday. He is right that there isn’t much you can buy for that these days.

I appreciate you aren’t rolling in it, but you also have no housing costs which many people spend upwards of 40% of their wage on.

Yeah also sounds very low effort to me. Did you not even book a nice place to take him to eat so he had a specific date and somewhere to look forward to?

Did no one arrange a cake or something to open?

I agree with a PP who said many of would hve got more than this even 20 years ago for a special birthday.

You paying for cinema trips for other parts of the year is neither here nor there.

Hmm, so you actually gave him £50 from you, but went on holiday? The holiday already cost I presume not far off £300, then you must have had spending money surely? So yeah I think it is probably a bit stingy and low effort.

If I feel that way as an adult then I can see why a teen would be upset. He was probably being nice saying he didn’t mind you going and then that’s his “reward”.
I was a lone parent too so I get it. But I personally wouldn’t have done that.

Sorry OP I agree with everyone else that you were stingy. I would have spent the holiday money on my child in this scenario.

It seems like a right kick in the teeth that you went on holiday on his 16th and then just gave him £50. He’s right, you can’t buy much with £100 unfortunately.

I don't think it's fair to put a teen in the position of saying whether they mind you going away without them over their birthday. It's totally normal for them to be upset by that, but not easy for them to articulate it without feeling like the bad guy.

I'd guess this ungratefulness comes from a place of hurt over you going away without him over his birthday.

Have you taken him abroad this year? If not, he may also feel hurt about that.

Did you not even get him a card?

Not something I would do.

£50 is 2 weeks child benefit. £300 plus spending is likely 10 x that.

OP earns 'a little above Minimum wage', gets top up UC and owns her home mortgage free which she states 'means she can afford a few extra treats'

These extra treats seem to be for her, not her son.

All the 'she deserves it, he should be grateful for the scraps she chooses to give him' - I disagree. I hate how people think children should be grateful for anything at all whilst adults get to spoil themselves with extras 'because they're worth it'

If you have extra,, why would you not spend it on your child's birthday?

I think OP may have worked out now that she could have handled things differently.

How about some perspectives how people think she could set about repairing their relationship?

Thanks for all the comments and points made - I've noted them all and definitely agree its probably a parenting fail on my part !
Just to clear up a few points though he did have three weeks abroad last summer and planned to take him for at least another fortnight again this summer,so its not as if he's deprived of a holiday!
I suppose I didn't really consider a 16th as being a 'big' birthday (i think of 18th or 21st's as being significant) .
I know everything is relevant but even if money was no object I wouldn't have spent more as in my mind £100 is a nice gift to get (probably has £400 at Christmas) I would like to also add that he was at his Dad's last year and when I asked what time he was free to see him,he managed to grace me with his presence for 10mins before going back upstairs! .
All in all I appreciate the responses and different perspectives and realise I've now got to put things right!

Yes please ! Don't want to give into emotional black mail but any suggestions on how to put things right would be appreciated

Ofcourse I did

£100 now has the purchasing power of around £75 10 years ago so there's not a lot of point in posters comparing their own birthday money when they or their young adult children were teens. And split between both parents - yes, a bit stingy. My in laws give me £100 to treat myself and I'm 41 with a job!

I suppose I didn't really consider a 16th as being a 'big' birthday (i think of 18th or 21st's as being significant)

Every child's birthday is significant and needs to be marked and celebrated. A 16th birthday is indeed special. No cards, no presents, no cake, no celebration at all is abysmal. The only difference to an ordinary day is that he now has £50 from his father and £50 from his mother sent electronically. How cold can you get. He is still a kid. I just cannot imagine doing that to one of mine.

Even after your update, you are still making excuses to how poorly you treated him.

As for emotional blackmail? Honestly, the kid is hurt. he is telling you he is hurt and I don't blame him. It wouldn't have killed you leave a card and something small there for him. What a shitty birthday for anyone to have.

OP. See my previous post.

You need to say to him, you're devastated you've upset him and want to understand from his perspective, so nothing like this happens again.

At the moment, it's not clear exactly what he's upset about. That you weren't there? That the amount was rubbish? Perhaps you could offer him the amount you'd spend on the holiday later in the year instead? But he'd have no holiday then!

Just listen to him. Ask him.

Hmmm I know he’s now 16, but essentially he’s still a child with childlike logic and I think here there is no clear logic. I think he’s just sad about his birthday, not the money from you, and this is the way he’s communicating it to you. Do you know what his Dad did for his birthday and if any level of celebration happened? I say let this go and don’t let it be something that creates a long stand off. Go pick him up. Take him for a drive if you can, park up somewhere. It’s easier to talk to teens if you’re not staring at each other in the face. And just say you’re sorry and you love him. Even if you feel he needs to say sorry to you for his behaviour, I think take the road that you’re the adult here and he’s hurting and it’s time to just hug it out and move on.

There is no way in hell I would be on holiday on my son's 16th birthday. As if a teenage boy will admit to being upset that his Mum wants to be in another country on his sweet 16.

The resentment you're getting is more to do with the fact you are not there than the £100.

I also think £50 per parent is pretty poor for such a special birthday too. If he always gets around that amount then I can see why he's disappointed.