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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I stingy re DS's Birthday?

177 replies

flippingkid · 19/03/2026 10:28

For context I'm a lone parent with a 50/50 co parenting arrangement with ex partner and earm a little bit above minimum wage and get some uc top up but I do own my own property mortgage free so I'm lucky in the fact I can manage a few extra treats .
I've had a shit year health and work wise and my friend found a bargain break in the sun (think less than 300 quid) which coincided with DS 's 16 birthday. Anyway I asked DS three times if he minded me going away as he was at his Dad's anyway. He assured me it was fine and we could celebrate his birthday when he came back .He also asked for money for his birthday which was fine .
I go on holiday- call him on his birthday and transferred £100 (from me and ex as it was the joint amount agreed upon)
Anyhoo it appears DS was expecting more on the basis I could afford a holiday and has since refused to speak to me calling me stingy and that he couldn't buy much with only £100.
To say the least,I'm absolutely livid at his sense of entitlement and ungratefulness but am failing to get him to understand my why hes being such an arse !
I was also planning on taking him out for food which would have been another 50 quid,plus he gets treats and days out,cinema trips throughout the year .
Aibu and being stingy?
Not sure how to proceed and sort this mess out as I dont want to give in to emotional blackmail but likewise its bern three weeks and hes still refusing to come home or speak to me !

OP posts:
SuzieYellow · 19/03/2026 14:31

Have to add, my parents bank transfer me £40 each birthday on the day (I’m obviously an adult!) The lack of effort on their part I actually find quite upsetting and I wish they just didn’t do it at all. Not to sound ungrateful, I’m really not in that sense. Just when it lands in my account it feels so cold.

PinkyFlamingo · 19/03/2026 14:31

What did he do on his actual birthday? Might sound daft but no matter what the age I like to see mine on their birthday, give them a card and cake etc

PinkyFlamingo · 19/03/2026 14:32

Oh and couldnt your friend have found a different date?

NotesAndLists · 19/03/2026 14:36

It’s pretty shit that you and his dad only gave £50 each for your sons 16th, but then you went on a holiday costing more.

Ohfuckrucksack · 19/03/2026 15:10

Putting it right - just talk to him

'DS can I talk to you? (find a good time, not when he's busy). I think I might have got it a bit wrong on your birthday by going away. or 'Was there something particular you were hoping to buy on your birthday? I might be able to help you out if there is.'

Clause1980 · 19/03/2026 15:10

latetothefisting · 19/03/2026 11:33

I completely disagree. What sort of message are you sending him if you agree that the women in his life don't deserve anything for themselves, ever? That his future wife shouldn't spend a penny of her own salary on herself - everything should go towards her husband or her kids, and she comes at the bottom of the pile? It's hardly an all expenses paid trip to Dubai and doesn't sound like OP is having multiple holidays without him every single year. What's next - she shouldn't buy herself new clothes and should go around in rags in order for him to buy expensive trainers?

The two things are separate - £100 is a perfectly decent amount to spend on a 16 year old for a birthday, particularly from a parent on just over minimum wage. It doesn't make any difference that it was "only" £50 from his dad and £50 from OP and I don't get why posters are representing it that way - it would have been the same amount had they still been together.

I can see the point some posters are making that he might be conflating the amount spend with effort/fuss made of him. But whether that's relevant all depends on what you would have done if you hadn't gone away.

If your arrangement with his dad would mean that you wouldn't have seen him on his birthday regardless of whether you live in the next street or were in a different country, then he is being completely U. If, had you not been away, you probably would have seen him in the morning or evening, and then gone out the next day, maybe it's slightly more understandable - but either way the real person who he should be blaming if he had an underwhelming celebration was his dad, the parent he was actually with! It's completely illogical that he's happy staying with him but punishing you, when he also "only" gave him £50 (and couldn't even be bothered to organise that himself!)

You've already said you would have celebrated as soon as you were home - this is completely normal and lots of kids do the same, e.g. if their parents work long hours or the child has a commitment or wants to do something with their friends on the actual birthday - completely fine to delay 'family' celebrations until the weekend, so if he was upset at what he sees as a lack of effort, he's brought that upon himself!

I'd maybe send him a message offering to give him the additional £50 you were planning on spending on a meal out anyway, on the condition he comes home and has a proper conversation with you. It's been so long now it would be silly to have such a delayed meal out, and it's money you had earmarked for him anyway. Then have a chat explaining that if that is how he feels, then that's fine, but now he's getting older he has a responsibility to tell people if they have upset him and why, in a constructive manner. Insulting people and calling them stingy when presumably he knows that you work hard to clothe, feed, and house him, is hurtful and isn't ever going to get someone on side!

Edited
Show quote history

Completely agree with this. If you set the bar so high for a 16th, will they expect a car for their 17th and what about at 18 and 21?

Ohfuckrucksack · 19/03/2026 15:14

Right, so -more than £50 for 16th = car (multiple thousands) for 17th

Bit of a mad rise in expectations there.

OP mentioned £400 at Christmas, which I always find weird because Christmas you have to budget for multiple people.

So £200 for a birthday (which is particular to you) would not be crazy - and that could be for 16,17 and maybe a bit more for 18th

Then reduce amount at Christmas.

TFImBackIn · 19/03/2026 15:14

I don't like grabby kids, but the fact is you spent six times more on yourself when it was his birthday. I do think sixteenth birthdays are big ones, really.

Livelovelaughfuckoff · 19/03/2026 15:24

poetryandwine · 19/03/2026 12:52

Are you in OP’s shoes? I’m not, so I wouldn’t judge.

She’s on close to minimum wage, she could only afford this holiday because it was a special deal at this time, and it doesn’t sound like holidays are a big feature of her life.

DS was already going to be spending his birthday with his dad before the holiday presented itself. The £100 had been agreed between the parents and DS isn’t angry at his dad. While I agree OP should have done more on the day, and said so above, there was no need to pass up the trip under these circs.

I think there is a decent chance DS was put out to realise that he isn’t the complete centre of his mum’s world. (On top of the fact that she was a bit, but not hugely, negligent in the opinion of some of us) That’s a natural part of growing up. He needs to start coming to terms with it.

Of course OP should help make it easy and that means helping to maintain his dignity. She’s in a slightly delicate position.

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The OP asked for opinions so I gave mine. That’s not being judgemental I’m just pointing out what I would or wouldn’t have done in her position.

Anywherebuthere · 19/03/2026 15:32

He's behaviour is spoilt and entitled. Don't throw anymore money his way as an attempt to make it up.

Give him time, when he can be bothered to listen have a word with him.

And no £100 isn't stingy.

poetryandwine · 19/03/2026 15:42

I hope knowing you want to put things right will go a long way with your DS, OP.

While you could have done more, given that DS chose to be with his dad for his birthday, unless you were invited to do something special with them I am surprised that so many PP don’t see how you could bear to be away.

He’s at an age when it id natural to think of you primarily in terms of his own needs, but time to start seeing you as a person in your own right.

I am an academic. On the HE board there have recently been some vaguely defined complaints about degree programmes that aren’t supportive enough. While I am sure some of this is true, the MN academics on those threads have many anecdotes in common about students missing weeks of work and then popping by randomly and turning angry when we aren’t able to drop everything to catch them up on the spot, as if that were possible.

Every time this happens, I confess to wondering if there is a mother who never conveyed that she had other things that needed doing. Male colleagues don’t have tbe problem to nearly the same extent.

Ridiculouslyhairy · 19/03/2026 16:06

I'd be pretty hurt if my parent went away on my 16th birthday and just bunged me £50 in cash

Is this a reverse?

BengalBangle · 19/03/2026 16:14

£100 is stingy for a 16th birthday and you weren't even around on the day.
Low effort from both you and the father.

safetyfreak · 19/03/2026 17:22

flippingkid · 19/03/2026 14:17

Yes please ! Don't want to give into emotional black mail but any suggestions on how to put things right would be appreciated

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When you come back home, get a cake and buy him a couple of gifts he can open. Talk to him..

You can turn this around!

IWaffleAlot · 19/03/2026 17:46

He’s right £100 doesn’t get you much, and even less for a 16th. I honestly think you should not have gone away over his birthday. That was a shitty thing to do. It was his 16th. The money might not have been a big deal, but you not being there because you went on a holiday with a friend is.

ThisAgileScroller · 19/03/2026 17:54

Mine only ever get 50 for birthday and 100 for christmas. They're 26 and 12 .

I think he's done ok!

Stompythedinosaur · 19/03/2026 18:08

Tbh I think £50 is quite low if you are in a situation to afford more, especially when it's clear you've spent more than that on a luxury thing for yourself.

I imagine it's less about the money and more about him not feeling like your priority.

Wonderlandpeony · 19/03/2026 18:12

£50 would have been ample.

Anewerforest · 19/03/2026 18:15

toomuchfaff · 19/03/2026 10:48

16 is a milestone birthday for a teen; and you werent there. No matter if he said yeah its fine beforehand, on the day - you werent there, there was no special day, there was no celebration and his mum wasnt there

Thats my thinking.

But he wouldn't have seen his mum anyway, the birthday happened on one of his dad's days. DS sounds angry about his mum having a holiday rather than giving him the money.
There is probably some backstory so hard to say if anyone is being unreasonable.

Arlanymor · 19/03/2026 18:17

I think no one made a fuss of his birthday which is arguably a milestone. No one bothered. Did the bare minimum. And everything stems from that.

HopSpringsEternal · 19/03/2026 18:17

Moaningpurple · 19/03/2026 10:54

Nope

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Yup

Forty85 · 19/03/2026 18:24

I personally think 100 quid is shit sorry.

Sgreenpy · 19/03/2026 18:52

I think that your son is being a little unreasonable here.
He was staying with his dad - who therefore should have organised birthday balloons/breakfast/tea on the day. Afterall your son has TWO parents!
Maybe you could have got a few small things for him to open - toiletries, a book, a t shirt/pj's.
A 16th birthday is not a 'big' one is it? Its 18 and 21 surely where you would make more of a fuss. Or even 17 when you could buy a car or spend £100s on driving lessons!!
What I'd do here is - sit down and talk to your son, explain what you feel and see what he feels. Ask if he'd like to arrange a party/meal out/cinema/activity with some friends.
Also start saving up for NEXT years birthday (£10? a week) for driving lessons x

rwalker · 19/03/2026 19:19

I’m genuinely shocked at people dismissing £100 as not a lot

Donttellhim · 19/03/2026 19:21

I’ve said you were unreasonable on the holiday issue. I don’t really like the idea, or practice of spending money on holidays as a parent without your children. Could you not have spend that on a holiday for you and your child!

Also, you say they get money for occasional cinema as though that’s something they should be grateful for, well, of course they should be grateful, but not to the extent it excuses going on holiday during your child’s birthday.

I would apologise generally and ask them what you can do to make it up. And also, it’s his 16th birthday, I presume you went 50/50 with your ex…as the agreed amount so that was £50. I mean you did spend £300 on a holiday for yourself, and no doubt a big chunk of spending money on top. Just kind of shows your priorities, and it wasn’t him.