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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I stingy re DS's Birthday?

177 replies

flippingkid · 19/03/2026 10:28

For context I'm a lone parent with a 50/50 co parenting arrangement with ex partner and earm a little bit above minimum wage and get some uc top up but I do own my own property mortgage free so I'm lucky in the fact I can manage a few extra treats .
I've had a shit year health and work wise and my friend found a bargain break in the sun (think less than 300 quid) which coincided with DS 's 16 birthday. Anyway I asked DS three times if he minded me going away as he was at his Dad's anyway. He assured me it was fine and we could celebrate his birthday when he came back .He also asked for money for his birthday which was fine .
I go on holiday- call him on his birthday and transferred £100 (from me and ex as it was the joint amount agreed upon)
Anyhoo it appears DS was expecting more on the basis I could afford a holiday and has since refused to speak to me calling me stingy and that he couldn't buy much with only £100.
To say the least,I'm absolutely livid at his sense of entitlement and ungratefulness but am failing to get him to understand my why hes being such an arse !
I was also planning on taking him out for food which would have been another 50 quid,plus he gets treats and days out,cinema trips throughout the year .
Aibu and being stingy?
Not sure how to proceed and sort this mess out as I dont want to give in to emotional blackmail but likewise its bern three weeks and hes still refusing to come home or speak to me !

OP posts:
WorstPaceScenario · 19/03/2026 11:25

Bundleflower · 19/03/2026 11:21

This. He is being rude and that’s not right but I do 100% understand his hurt.
£50 each from you is stingy when you’ve prioritised a holiday.

It's the disproportionate amount that bothers me; the OP probably spent ten times the budget for her son's birthday gift on her holiday, excluding the money she might have spent on food when she got home. The amount of money spent is almost irrelevant because people have varying means, but I can't imagine allocating a specific figure to my child's birthday on the basis it's what I could afford, only to spend ten times that on a holiday.

mumonthehill · 19/03/2026 11:25

He was with his dad for his birthday so I think you going away is fine. We give £100 cash or gift on birthdays for our dc and have done since they were 15 so in you circumstances I think it is ok. I can see why he is aggrieved by the holiday but I also think he said he was ok with it, and I am sure you needed the break so I do think it is a bit ungrateful of him.

chewcheweewww · 19/03/2026 11:26

Poor kid, Who was prioritising him on his 16th birthday, certainly not his mum who had buggered off on holiday and not his dad who couldn't even manage to sort out giving him some money. I wonder what chance kids with this little parental support have in life.

Bundleflower · 19/03/2026 11:29

WorstPaceScenario · 19/03/2026 11:25

It's the disproportionate amount that bothers me; the OP probably spent ten times the budget for her son's birthday gift on her holiday, excluding the money she might have spent on food when she got home. The amount of money spent is almost irrelevant because people have varying means, but I can't imagine allocating a specific figure to my child's birthday on the basis it's what I could afford, only to spend ten times that on a holiday.

Absolutely agree.

It I was OP I think I’d be inclined to apologise for getting this a bit wrong and put a deposit down on a cheap few days away with DS towards the ends of summer. Something to look forward to together and a nice way to mark his 16th year.

Hwory · 19/03/2026 11:30

I think £50 from each parent for a 16th birthday is tight.

I think taking yourself on holiday over the birthday and sending the money via transfer makes it worse.

Noshadelamp · 19/03/2026 11:31

Just by asking him you passively aggressively put him in the position where he had to say it was ok. You'd already made up your mind. Why didn't you think for yourself and take the responsibility for it yourself?

The fact that you asked him three times, you knew you shouldn't have been going.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 19/03/2026 11:31

You each gave him £50 for his 16th. Was that it? No presents to open seeing as you decided not to actually see him on his birthday?

I'm another who thought you were going to say you'd booked the holiday for his birthday.

Sounds a bit tight to me. Although it's unfair you're getting grief for it when his dad isn't. What did his dad do for his actual birthday?

latetothefisting · 19/03/2026 11:33

flippingkid · 19/03/2026 10:38

@I8toys Thats partly my dilemma..I do sort of get how his 16 year old logic is working.

I completely disagree. What sort of message are you sending him if you agree that the women in his life don't deserve anything for themselves, ever? That his future wife shouldn't spend a penny of her own salary on herself - everything should go towards her husband or her kids, and she comes at the bottom of the pile? It's hardly an all expenses paid trip to Dubai and doesn't sound like OP is having multiple holidays without him every single year. What's next - she shouldn't buy herself new clothes and should go around in rags in order for him to buy expensive trainers?

The two things are separate - £100 is a perfectly decent amount to spend on a 16 year old for a birthday, particularly from a parent on just over minimum wage. It doesn't make any difference that it was "only" £50 from his dad and £50 from OP and I don't get why posters are representing it that way - it would have been the same amount had they still been together.

I can see the point some posters are making that he might be conflating the amount spend with effort/fuss made of him. But whether that's relevant all depends on what you would have done if you hadn't gone away.

If your arrangement with his dad would mean that you wouldn't have seen him on his birthday regardless of whether you live in the next street or were in a different country, then he is being completely U. If, had you not been away, you probably would have seen him in the morning or evening, and then gone out the next day, maybe it's slightly more understandable - but either way the real person who he should be blaming if he had an underwhelming celebration was his dad, the parent he was actually with! It's completely illogical that he's happy staying with him but punishing you, when he also "only" gave him £50 (and couldn't even be bothered to organise that himself!)

You've already said you would have celebrated as soon as you were home - this is completely normal and lots of kids do the same, e.g. if their parents work long hours or the child has a commitment or wants to do something with their friends on the actual birthday - completely fine to delay 'family' celebrations until the weekend, so if he was upset at what he sees as a lack of effort, he's brought that upon himself!

I'd maybe send him a message offering to give him the additional £50 you were planning on spending on a meal out anyway, on the condition he comes home and has a proper conversation with you. It's been so long now it would be silly to have such a delayed meal out, and it's money you had earmarked for him anyway. Then have a chat explaining that if that is how he feels, then that's fine, but now he's getting older he has a responsibility to tell people if they have upset him and why, in a constructive manner. Insulting people and calling them stingy when presumably he knows that you work hard to clothe, feed, and house him, is hurtful and isn't ever going to get someone on side!

Fidgety31 · 19/03/2026 11:35

So you sent your son £50 bank transfer from you for his 16th!
yes very poor effort and I’m not surprised he’s upset.

And to rub salt in you took yourself on holiday instead !
Im even more surprised you have to ask on here if you were unreasonable !! Of course you were !

Sending a bank transfer for a birthday present is no effort at all and pretty naff from mum to son !

BlueskiesandPoppies · 19/03/2026 11:38

Well OP. Seems majority think you could have handled it differently, and good on you for asking. Thing is, what will you do to rectify that he feels hurt, unseen and unimportant. He has clearly demonstrated his feelings.

I'd acknowledge that I ducked up. Please dont start with your health etc as you did your first post and why you believe you needed this holiday at the same time as his birthday.

Make it about him, listen to him. Acknowledge his hurt. Explore with him whether it's solely about the amount of £100 and if you'd sent £300, he'd be fine, in which case it could be you spent more on yourself than his special 16th birthday when you can save for another holiday anytime, or whether it's because there was no special event or celebration planned.

How has his friends celebrated their birthdays? Does he feel a little embarrassed perhaps that his was low key?

There are probably a number of feelings and the only way to resolve is to ask him to explain, and really listen to him, and make it about him and how he feels

Malasana · 19/03/2026 11:40

I think £50 is pretty mean for a 16th when you’ve paid for a holiday for yourself. 16 is a bit or a milestone. I understand why he’s disappointed because you weren’t even there even though he said he wouldn’t be bothered.
£50 by bank transfer is a poor and low effort.

Megifer · 19/03/2026 11:40

You know its time to leave a thread when the derailing whataboutery starts, as it'll just escalate into the op's son clearly being on the path to becoming a woman hater 🙄

latetothefisting · 19/03/2026 11:40

Fidgety31 · 19/03/2026 11:35

So you sent your son £50 bank transfer from you for his 16th!
yes very poor effort and I’m not surprised he’s upset.

And to rub salt in you took yourself on holiday instead !
Im even more surprised you have to ask on here if you were unreasonable !! Of course you were !

Sending a bank transfer for a birthday present is no effort at all and pretty naff from mum to son !

Did you miss the part where he specifically ASKED FOR MONEY for his birthday? How is a bank transfer cruel and poor effort? What would the alternative be? Either completely ignoring his wishes and getting him something he didn't want, or, do you think giving him cash (which a 16 year old probably wouldn't have a clue what to do with), would magically make it heartfelt and thoughtful?

TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddos · 19/03/2026 11:44

£50 and zero effort is crap, 16 is super special as well!

It's not like you paid for a big party or activity or anything and then did a small gift. You did nothing and bunged him £50. Hardly enough to buy anything super special or memorable. You had extra cash and you spent it going off with you mate.

Malasana · 19/03/2026 11:48

latetothefisting · 19/03/2026 11:40

Did you miss the part where he specifically ASKED FOR MONEY for his birthday? How is a bank transfer cruel and poor effort? What would the alternative be? Either completely ignoring his wishes and getting him something he didn't want, or, do you think giving him cash (which a 16 year old probably wouldn't have a clue what to do with), would magically make it heartfelt and thoughtful?

My daughter often asks for money but I’d also buy a few little treats to open and have a celebration like a meal out. Just because he asked for money, and she transferred a stingy £50, doesn’t mean that was her job done as a parent especially as she went on a holiday that costs considerably more than £50.
I’d have been disappointed with my parents as well.

Burningbud1981 · 19/03/2026 11:56

I’m not extravagant by any means when it comes to my teen boys birthdays. But £50 is really stingy. £100 can’t buy much these days.

poetryandwine · 19/03/2026 12:08

You need to get to the bottom of this, OP.

My parents are millionaires and they only recently upped my birthday present from €100 to €150, a happy surprise. And hardly a problem.

DS asked for money. He’s not angry at his dad over the amount so I think this is about something else. I agree with PP that a card and token gift to open on the day would have been right.

I also think there is a chance he is put out about your holiday - without him - even though he was already going to his dad. If so he knows this is irrational but that just makes it worse! Sixteen is not an easy age.

Miranda65 · 19/03/2026 12:10

£100 is a very generous birthday present.
And no self-respecting 16 year old would want their mum hanging around on their birthday, surely?
So it's fine, OP, and your son us just a bit greedy..... he'll learn!

WorstPaceScenario · 19/03/2026 12:15

latetothefisting · 19/03/2026 11:40

Did you miss the part where he specifically ASKED FOR MONEY for his birthday? How is a bank transfer cruel and poor effort? What would the alternative be? Either completely ignoring his wishes and getting him something he didn't want, or, do you think giving him cash (which a 16 year old probably wouldn't have a clue what to do with), would magically make it heartfelt and thoughtful?

It's not about the giving of the money as a gift. My children often appreciate money as a birthday gift. I even send it as a bank transfer on their birthday, as the OP did. However, they get up on their birthday morning to a special breakfast, with little sweets and cupcakes on the 'birthday table', their cards, and some extra gifts to open. If the budget was incredibly tight I'd still buy those extra gifts but make them teeny tiny ones that show some effort and thought about what I know they like and enjoy - even if it was just sweets and soft drinks. If their birthdays fell on a day they were at their dad's, I'd go and get them for a little while and bring them whole for the whole birthday table celebration, with a cake and candles if their dad had already organised a meal. It's not about cost, or about not giving them money, it's about showing care, thought, and a bit of fuss to celebrate your child. If for some reason I couldn't have seen them on the actual day, I'd have made sure it was the day immediately before or after!

BarbiesDreamHome · 19/03/2026 12:23

Did your ex contribute at all to the £100 or just jointly agree that's an appropriate amount?

Wouldn't be surprises if he was whispering in your sons ear.

TheCurious0range · 19/03/2026 12:25

I think £50 per parent by transfer and mum not even being around isn't very nice for a 16th. I think I got more than that 25 years ago and my parents were not well off at all, they certainly wouldn't have prioritised a holiday for themselves over my birthday. Could you not have taken him away for the weekend?

traceybeakersbeaker · 19/03/2026 12:28

Transferring £50 quid on your son's 16th birthday while you are living it up on holiday is lousy. You didn't even leave a card or a little pressie for him to open on his special day. Nah you dropped the ball on that one.

Changename12 · 19/03/2026 12:30

Yes, I think you are being mean. A 16th birthday is treated as special. You have prioritised yourself. £50 is not a lot and many of his friends will be getting an awful lot more.

BillieWiper · 19/03/2026 12:32

Did he think you were going to give him the cost of the holiday but cruelly took the money out of his birthday fund to bugger off to sunny Spain?!

It's really rude for him to not be grateful. Why is it only you he's got the hump with anyway when his dad was responsible for half of it?!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 19/03/2026 12:34

And no self-respecting 16 year old would want their mum hanging around on their birthday, surely

What a load of rubbish!