Was I stingy re DS's Birthday?

[flippingkid]

For context I'm a lone parent with a 50/50 co parenting arrangement with ex partner and earm a little bit above minimum wage and get some uc top up but I do own my own property mortgage free so I'm lucky in the fact I can manage a few extra treats .
I've had a shit year health and work wise and my friend found a bargain break in the sun (think less than 300 quid) which coincided with DS 's 16 birthday. Anyway I asked DS three times if he minded me going away as he was at his Dad's anyway. He assured me it was fine and we could celebrate his birthday when he came back .He also asked for money for his birthday which was fine .
I go on holiday- call him on his birthday and transferred £100 (from me and ex as it was the joint amount agreed upon)
Anyhoo it appears DS was expecting more on the basis I could afford a holiday and has since refused to speak to me calling me stingy and that he couldn't buy much with only £100.
To say the least,I'm absolutely livid at his sense of entitlement and ungratefulness but am failing to get him to understand my why hes being such an arse !
I was also planning on taking him out for food which would have been another 50 quid,plus he gets treats and days out,cinema trips throughout the year .
Aibu and being stingy?
Not sure how to proceed and sort this mess out as I dont want to give in to emotional blackmail but likewise its bern three weeks and hes still refusing to come home or speak to me !

This is such a good way of going about it and the best answer on here I’ve seen so far.

I think tbh even if he might not know how to tell you, it’s probably less about the money and more about the fact you went away and that no effort was made over his birthday, and he’s probably more angry at you because he might’ve expected more from you as opposed from Dad? He might’ve wanted some ‘mum fuss’ and then realised when you went away how much it actually hurt that he didn’t have it. And you know how men usually are with articulating their feelings - he’s a growing teenage BOY. I’m sure you understand as his mum how difficult it must be sometimes for him to put his feelings into words, or understand why he feels certain ways.

I think enough people have told you you shouldn’t have gone away at that time (that absolutely doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to go away at all, because you do and I’m sure you needed it). You’ve done it, please try not to feel guilty about it. All you can do now is give him some ‘mum fuss’ now. Maybe pretend that you had a surprise for when you got back? (When he’s talking to you)

I do sympathise with you as he’s really taken it to heart and his feelings have come out a bit sideways! I’m sorry you’re getting all the brunt of it. I think at the end, he just cared more than he let on maybe?

100 quid between you and his dad on his 16th birthday when you aren't even seeing him?
Yeah I get why he's disappointed. You hardly pushed the boat out.

I think this is a good answer, also.

But where does DS own that he had already indicated that his birthday was for him and his dad? At 16 he is old enough to appreciate the role that played in his mum’s plans. ( And I appreciate that he may feel divided loyalties)

I agree he probably did not anticipate how he would feel when confronted by the fact that she has a life of her own. That doesn’t mean OP did anything wrong (aside from not arranging for him to have a gift on the day).

I am hugely pro birthday! But everyone writing ‘ I could never be away for my child’s birthday’ seems to be ignoring that OP wasn’t invited. Passing on your own interests after that is the wrong message to give a 16 yo if you want him to grow up to treat women well.

Agree that now OP should handle this with grace. I think she will.

N0ChildrenYet and poetryandwine

Thank you. Voices of reason.

I wish everyone would stop berating OP. She said already she got it and asked for suggestions how to resolve. Still people berate her, and I've seen little ideas for support and help.

Isn't this what Mumsnet is for?

And as for how much people give their children, that just makes those without the ability to match feel awful. Good for you who can.

There are so many people being made redundant and not able to get jobs. This will massively affect ability to gift.

There is a massive cost of living crisis. So also what may have been affordable may not, for many, going forward.

OPs son was never going to be with her for his birthday, from what we know. So breakfast balloons on the day with cards and nice things would have been irrelevant.

OP, when you speak with your son, it is something to ask if he would have preferred to be with you, but this would have potentially caused issues with his Dad.

Lets be supportive please. I'm not seeing it

You were away on his birthday.
Regardless of whether or not he would have seen you, the point was you prioritised yourself.

No judgement from me, but I remember my parents going away for my 17th with my brothers. I got to stay home with the dog. I said I was ok with it, but actually no, I’ve been harbouring that resentment that they actively chose to not be with me on my birthday for 34 years 😅

He doesn't understand it, cant verbalise it, but that will be it.

Perhaps verbalising that yourself, apologising for not seeing that he might have been hurt by your decision and just leaving it at that. Email/letter/text. He'll need time to process it but might come round.

"Win him back, not by paying him" and "nice restaurant for multiple people, cake, latest football shirt, fancy aftershave, latest playstation game and even more money on top of the money she gave him originally" (i.e. at least £500)"

Can't you see the contradiction here?
What do the words MINIMUM WAGE JOB mean to you, exactly?

I am very sorry this happened to you. It feels wrong.

It also feels very different to OP’s situation. Her DS had told her that he would be spending his birthday with his dad before the opportunity of a bargain holiday was offered by her friend.

How do the two situations compare?

It is stingy, yes.

He wasn’t even going to see OP but of course she should have sat at home crying and being the Mum that generation think we should be. I’m sick of the entitlement of them. What did he do for your last birthday? Fuck all probably.

I don’t think 16 year olds really understand the value of money yet, and some parents seem to spend hundreds on posh trainers and designer stuff for their teenagers which adds to the problem if his friends parents do that. It’s really annoying, £100 is not a stingy amount!

I do think going away on his sweet 16 was a bad move when there’s 51 other weeks in the year however

I think 16 is a special birthday. Maybe there could have been a bit more thought put in, rather than just a bank transfer on the day. That is a bit miserable. You've got the whole year to go on holiday, but you've chosen to be away from your kid on his birthday? Once they're into their twenties etc, not such a big deal.. But 16, 18, 21 they're all special occasions.

We did a meal out and money. But I think he valued spending time with us the most aged 16. He wouldn't have been impressed if one of us swanned off on holiday.

DS had already chosen to spend his birthday apart from OP and told her so. The trip was only planned after that.

I don’t understand why so many PP find this irrelevant.

Instead PPs are making equivalences to the choice a parent imposes on a DC that the parent will be away for the DC birthday. All the difference in the world.

Why would all of you who say you would not have travelled stay home when your DC had already excluded you from the celebration?
How does that help him to grow up? Or to respect women?

TIA

£50 each for a 16th is stingy. You consider yourself worth £300 on something just because you fancy it, but he’s worth next to nothing on a birthday…

I don’t think DS chose to spend his birthday with his dad, OP said his birthday was on his dad’s day of having him, most split child arrangement that I know of stick to the days as much as possible and might allow a visit for special occasions or birthdays. OP co-parents so I’m pretty sure this could have been accommodated, she even says in another post that he only gave her 10 mins on another birthday which suggest such an arrangement.

Thank you. ‘Chosen’ may have been too strong a word, but DS was spending his birthday with his dad and OP was not invited.

It may be easier on OP if the exclusion was mandated - which isn’t entirely clear - but it doesn’t change my underlying question: if you can’t see your DS on his birthday anyway, how does it help him for you to pass up a chance for some much needed R&R?
It is a tough situation, but for him to expect Mum to hang about without participating is not good. It suggests not wanting her to have het own life, even when she can’t participate in yours.

Just feels low effort that’s all! Plus it’s £50 from you, £50 from his dad which seems a little tight that’s just my opinion

My parents went away for their 25th wedding anniversary when it was my 15th birthday and left me with my older brother with my Nan checking in on me every day. They rang me every day to see if I was ok and I didn’t get any gifts from them until they came home. I had my nans gifts to open. I honestly couldn’t have been arsed! I was out with my mates and my brother really looked after me (he was 23 at the time) and we watched a film together on my birthday. I wasn’t fussed about gifts or them being here. I just wanted them to have a good time. But this was the 90s. Totally different generation and time. Kids today are so entitled. They want everything and more.
Id leave him to it. You deserve a break away. As long as you checked in with him like you did and had his permission that he was cool with it (which you didn’t have to by the way if he was with his dad) you did everything you could on your part and sent him money etc… did his dad get ear ache over the £100 if it was agreed on both sides? Probably not.
Id let him calm down and have a ‘chat’ but don’t pussy foot! He’s a big boy now and can technically start work himself if he wants money! Let him simmer and see what a brat he’s being!

I would contact him and suggest a special day out together seeing as you weren't there on his birthday. Maybe a bit of shopping where you could treat him to some affordable gifts and lunch somewhere that he likes. Then perhaps takeaway for tea and film together.

Obviously this depends on your child, your relationship and your finances - perhaps he'd prefer you treat him to an activity with his mates- eg go-karting, paintballing etc

Either way, focus on spending time with him and making a fuss of him. For the record, I think he is rude about the £100 but he's only a teenager once- give him a pass for having big feelings.

I agree with this. At 16 they think they are grown but far from it, I think he missed his mum.

He’s acting like he’s angry but underneath that anger is hurt. You asked him if he minded and he said no. But really he wanted you to say I’m not going because it’s your birthday and I want to be here.
teenagers aren’t reasonable. Bless them.

To me it not the abiut the money it is the principle you asked him knowing you wanted him to give you a free pass to go so you would go choosing not to feel guiltiy

if he said 'I would rather you didnt' would you have been totally 100% fine with that?

you put this onto him and yes I am not up for mind games and if people are asked a question they should be able to answer it honestly but really, you go on about your year and your whole opening post seems to be all about you

What about your childs year?

The gift wasnt £100 - you gave him £50! And his dad have him £50. That is not great for a 16 year old. 16 is a fairly big birthday and receiving £50 bank transfer from each parent is not really good enough.

When I started reading this post, I thought you were going to say the holiday was for you and your son! Its not great that you left him for a big birthday and just sent a bank transfer, you should have either taken him with you or used the money to do something special for him.

You and his dad are equally to blame for this as you both were a little stingy and thoughtless. Its just that the dad can make out that he didn't have spare cash whereas you going away adds another layer of upset for your son as it seems like you did have the money but just chose not to use it for him.

Did he even get any token gifts or a birthday party or special dinner out or anything when you returned?

Spoilt, ungrateful, entitled arse of a boy. Even nowadays, with prices rocketing, you can still buy some pretty good stuff for yourself for £100.