Was I stingy re DS's Birthday?

[flippingkid]

For context I'm a lone parent with a 50/50 co parenting arrangement with ex partner and earm a little bit above minimum wage and get some uc top up but I do own my own property mortgage free so I'm lucky in the fact I can manage a few extra treats .
I've had a shit year health and work wise and my friend found a bargain break in the sun (think less than 300 quid) which coincided with DS 's 16 birthday. Anyway I asked DS three times if he minded me going away as he was at his Dad's anyway. He assured me it was fine and we could celebrate his birthday when he came back .He also asked for money for his birthday which was fine .
I go on holiday- call him on his birthday and transferred £100 (from me and ex as it was the joint amount agreed upon)
Anyhoo it appears DS was expecting more on the basis I could afford a holiday and has since refused to speak to me calling me stingy and that he couldn't buy much with only £100.
To say the least,I'm absolutely livid at his sense of entitlement and ungratefulness but am failing to get him to understand my why hes being such an arse !
I was also planning on taking him out for food which would have been another 50 quid,plus he gets treats and days out,cinema trips throughout the year .
Aibu and being stingy?
Not sure how to proceed and sort this mess out as I dont want to give in to emotional blackmail but likewise its bern three weeks and hes still refusing to come home or speak to me !

I do think you’ve messed up a bit OP.

It’s not the amount of money. I don’t think I’d even have suggested to my dd (now 17) that I might go away on her 16th birthday. I would just known she’d find it hurtful, although I’m sure she’d say it was ok to be kind.

As you were going away, I would at least have put the money in a card, if money was what he wanted, and bought a little, thoughtful “on the day” present.

My dd got mainly money for her 17th towards driving lessons, but she also got a gift on the day because it’s sad just to give money in an account. Even when extended family transfer money as a gift they will make sure a card is there on the day, with a thoughtful message etc.

I can sort of see why he got his hopes up he’d be getting more. If he sees you spending on a holiday he might have though “oh well she must be ok for money now if she could afford a holiday on top of my gift”. Assuming the gift would be higher priority. Not speaking to you is a bit much though!

i kind of agree. My son turns 16 soon. I won’t be going away. He will probably be getting a similar amount of money. But will be taken out for a meal and have all the tacky 16 decorations. Could you not have gone another date in the year?

I would like to say I am shocked but this is pretty standard on MN.

You both sound like shite parents to be honest

I do see why he might think this was a stingy amount for his 16th especially if split between you and his father AND on the back of you just having gone on holiday. A bit crap of him to be only freezing you out though. Unless his dad got him other stuff.

It’s the message you’ve sent that’s the problem.

You going on holiday is more important than his 16th. In terms of time value and now also monetary value. Kids think if they don’t get one, they’ll get the other. The holiday may have only “cost” £300 but you probably also bought clothes and spent more than £100 on food. You’ve sent a message and he’s heard it loud and clear.

You should have coparented with his Dad and arranged something special for him on his once in a lifetime milestone birthday - his 16th. Of which, he’s never going to get again. These birthdays only happen once.

Was nothing discussed beforehand to manage expectations?
16th is a special birthday, the amount isn’t even important. It is the delivery.

I think his real issue is you were away for a big birthday. 16 is a biggy.

£100 is a lot.

The child is already behaving like a spoilt brat. Giving up things to pander to that kind of behaviour would be awful parenting.

I think you are looking at it the wrong way, you have spent £50 on his birthday, not £100.

You spent £50 on his birthday and weren’t there for it. I think that’s pretty rubbish tbh.

£50 is extraordinarily tight if you have money to go on holiday.
You say you take him away in the summer as if you’re mother of the year but you’re taking yourself on 2 holidays and doing very little for your son’s birthday.
He’s probably feeling uncared for at the moment and it’s easy to see why

You know your ex is ‘terrible at getting his arse in gear and organising anything’, so you jet off in the sun and leave your 16 year old with him on his birthday and think a phone call and a £50 bank transfer will suffice.

And you post here puzzled why he won’t talk to you?

I’m a Dad and I couldn’t image treating my Son in such a cold way on a big birthday. I would be trying to make it up to him asap tbh.

Really? To me he sounds justifiably hurt not a "spoilt brat"

You have sent a message to your son loud and clear that your needs and wants matter far more than his Birthday. No wonder he is upset, you weren’t there for his Birthday and all you can come up with is £100 between the two of you though i’m assuming dad actually showed some interest in him on the day.

It’s not £100. It’s £50 each from 2 separated parents. And by bank transfer while away in some nice, sunny destination.

£50 is nothing these days, I spend that for nieces and nephews each birthday. Could understand if she genuinely couldn’t afford more but mortgage free and on holiday say differently.

And the bigger issue, probably in the son’s opinion too, is the complete lack of effort. I’d say that about any age, but 16 too!

Probably an unpopular opinion but I wouldn't have gone on holiday. It sounds like the coparenting relationship is good. So even if he was due to be at dad's on his 16th, there would have been flexibility to spend time with him?

I think £50 for a 16th birthday is a bit tight. Was a bank transfer totalling £100 the entirety of his gift from his parents? It feels pretty impersonal. Or did he have presents as well? A cake? A bit of fuss?
Im sure someone will be along to say a 16 year old is not a 'child', but Iit sounds like your dc didn't feel like his birthday mattered at all this year.

If you like what you’re given you smile and say thank you.

If you don’t get what you want or what you were hoping for, you smile and say thank you. It’s a big lesson to learn.

But OP didn't give him £100, she gave him 50. I was a lone parent on a low wage (and I had housing costs) and I was giving my 2 DC £150 each 20 years ago! I used to stick £20 a week in a pot to cover birthdays/christmas etc. £50 really isn't a lot.

Anyway, I think it would be good to try and build bridges OP. How about asking him out for that meal you said you were planning to do? If there's something you know he'd like as a gift, I'd probably get it if you can. I'm not saying spend £££ but its the thought that counts as they say. Something to show you've thought of him.

I do think he's rude for getting annoyed at you, but I also see why he's disappointed, you off on a holiday for yourself without him over his birthday and just sending a bank transfer isn't great. Do you get on ok with his Dad to maybe all do something together a meal or day out for him? Next year I'd prioritize the birthday, with cake etc it just probably made him feel a bit unimportant that you weren't there.

£100 is not a stingy gift, but going away on your son's 16th - well that has clearly hit hard.

Why didn’t you book the holiday for yourself and your son, op?
You could have gone with your mate any time. Little wonder he feels hard done by.

I’ve managed to book a driving lesson for my kid’s 17th. When I asked him what he wanted he said he wanted to drive a car. The lesson is £80 as that’s what it costs for 2 hours minimum round my way. I said that’s his present.
I booked annual leave as it’s right by Easter. But he wants to do his driving lesson and then meet his friends for lunch and then he will go out to dinner with DH and me. Lucky me! I pouted when he said his plans in a jokey way as we’ve always spent his birthday as just the three of us with in laws having dinner out with us sometimes.

he wouldn’t dream of saying can’t buy much. He knows he has cheap trainers as that’s all I have and we go to sports direct when there’s a sale. No way would he ask for more expensive ones.

my DS worked since 14 as he set up his own business to earn money for himself.

when was last time you had a holiday?

maybe time to sit him down and show him how bills work.

Will your DS be waking up under your roof? Will he choose to have that birthday meal with you?

OP’s DS had already announced he would be spending his birthday with his dad. There was no mention of including OP in any plans for the day.

I’ve said she should have done a bit more, but I am shocked at the proportion of PP who think she should have put her life on hold for a DC who had shown no desire to share his birthday with her.

I think you were a bit tight - sorry

50.00
no other presents etc but 300 on a holiday the same week as well as the cost of being holiday wouldn’t have been cheap.

16th did deserve a bit more thought.

bank transfer 50 pound from you 50.00 from dad is the most non personal thing.