Was I stingy re DS's Birthday?

[flippingkid]

For context I'm a lone parent with a 50/50 co parenting arrangement with ex partner and earm a little bit above minimum wage and get some uc top up but I do own my own property mortgage free so I'm lucky in the fact I can manage a few extra treats .
I've had a shit year health and work wise and my friend found a bargain break in the sun (think less than 300 quid) which coincided with DS 's 16 birthday. Anyway I asked DS three times if he minded me going away as he was at his Dad's anyway. He assured me it was fine and we could celebrate his birthday when he came back .He also asked for money for his birthday which was fine .
I go on holiday- call him on his birthday and transferred £100 (from me and ex as it was the joint amount agreed upon)
Anyhoo it appears DS was expecting more on the basis I could afford a holiday and has since refused to speak to me calling me stingy and that he couldn't buy much with only £100.
To say the least,I'm absolutely livid at his sense of entitlement and ungratefulness but am failing to get him to understand my why hes being such an arse !
I was also planning on taking him out for food which would have been another 50 quid,plus he gets treats and days out,cinema trips throughout the year .
Aibu and being stingy?
Not sure how to proceed and sort this mess out as I dont want to give in to emotional blackmail but likewise its bern three weeks and hes still refusing to come home or speak to me !

You plonked yourself in it unfortunately by expecting a teenage boy to have the foresight to realise how he would ultimately feel on the day of a big birthday when his front lobes haven't finished developing. He woke up, felt crap that he was turning 16 and mum wasn't there to make any of the fuss she usually does, which naturally in a child's eyes should be even more for a milestone birthday and he consoles himself with well at least he will get something massive "to make up for her deserting me on a big birthday" in his mind at least. I'm not saying it's reasonable. No reasonable amount was going to cut it and now evidence in his eyes of failure to care. It's not reasonable or rational but that's how teenage brains work. They aren't actually as mature as they think they are or sometimes appear.

Agree with this. Why are you only giving him £50 each?!! Surely if you'd bought gifts it would have cost more than that?

Not stingy at all but personally I would have gone away another time

Don't understand why you went on holiday during his birthday. The amount £100 is fine but wonder if his complaint really is that his mum wasn't around for his 16th birthday! Was his dad around

How much less than £300 was your holiday ?
£10 ? £50 ? £150 ?!!!

so you spent x amount on a holiday for you, whilst your son was celebrating a special birthday and you sent him £50 from you.

How much do you usually spend on his birthday ?

I think you messed up here OP.
Read between the lines of what he’s saying.
16 year old boys aren’t known for being articulate and sitting down and discussing their emotions.
He was very hurt.

Did you send him with things to open on the day such as small but meaningful gifts, a card, a homemade cake or his favourite chocolate? Or was it a call and a transfer of £50? Like paying a bill? Shocking. No wonder he’s upset.

I never comment on AIBU but in this case you were. I don’t think it’s so much the money as you can only afford what you can afford, but I think it’s incredibly selfish to prioritise a holiday over your own sons 16th birthday.
Regardless of how shit your year has been, he is your son. You could have used that money to take him away for a couple of days and made some lovely memories together. Didn’t even have to be abroad, a city break in the UK with some money to go shopping would have made him feel celebrated. No matter what they say, most 16 year olds like being made a fuss of.

I suppose I didn't really consider a 16th as being a 'big' birthday (i think of 18th or 21st's as being significant)

I wouldn't have spent more as in my mind £100 is a nice gift to get (probably has £400 at Christmas)

Those are both interesting, I think. 16 is a big age. And why spend more at Christmas, than his birthday?

If he’s used to £400 at Christmas, he probably expected similar for a big birthday…

Do you know what your ex actually did with him? Was he expecting to come on the holiday?

Did you read the OP? DS had chosen to spend the day at his dad’s before his mum made her plans.

Why would DS expect to come when timing was dictated by OP’s friend and, crucially,
he had already made plans to spend the day with his dad?

I do think OP could have done a bit more on/for the day. But there is also a subtext of a DC annoyed that she’s not background music rather than a foreground participant to his 16th. Putting her life on hold so as not to have a better day than him. When she wasn’t even invited to share his day!

Not inviting her was his privilege. Learning to cope with the alternative plans she made is part of growing up. Otherwise you get men who expect to come and go as they please whilst their wives stay home with the children.

Thought experiment: we know DS is not angry at his dad. How do we think this would be playing out if the sexes were reversed?

So realistically you only gave him £50 and your ex the other £50 , he's correct you can't get much for £100 these days my 2 older dc get a minimum of £200 and ill also buy something to open for my 3rd dcs 16th ill probably spend a few hundred on clothes for him and his dad usually gives a couple of hundred too , but thats just me I've always done that so their nose would probably be out of joint if I dropped the amount, everyone's circumstances are different . Does he usually get more spent on him is that why he's having a strop ?

But OP WAS going to do all the "celebration like a meal out" stuff as well, just not on his birthday because he was with his dad that day. That wouldn't have changed whether she was in the next town or in Spain. The only reason she hasn't done all the extra stuff was because her ds is refusing to see her! So "celebration" and spending time with his mum clearly can't be that important to him as he is the only one preventing all that extra stuff from happening.

Everyone is trying to guilt trip her about the holiday and "lack of effort" but there's no actual evidence that any of that bothered the DS - people are just assuming that because thats how they, adult women, may feel then a random teenage boy they've never met would feel the same - but the only thing he has actually SAID to OP is he wanted more money. It sounds like if she'd done exactly the same but sent him £300 he would have been happy. Which, to me, is rude and greedy.

OP is mortgage free and just spent £300 to go on holiday without DC. DS was at his dads anyway so she went on holiday, in his head DS may have been expecting a bit more than a £50 bank transfer as it’s a ‘big’ birthday and mum can afford to go on holiday so I might get something nice so he’s disappointed his 16 was a non event.

I think it’s great you co-parent but why are you sharing birthday gifts, the result of this is that now you are in the bad books but dad isn’t because the expectation is on you to make the fuss when the reality is if his dad hasn’t made a fuss on his actual birthday while he was with his then that’s on dad and he should be mad at him.

if my dc asked for money for a birthday I still would have bought other bits to open and let them choose where to eat for tea. If their birthday falls on their dad’s days I either ask them if they want to come for their presents from me on their birthday or we do a second birthday when they are back with me.

would you book a trip of you can afford it with you and DS to make up for it? Somewhere where you can get cheap flights for a night or two like Dublin or Belfast or a night somewhere in the UK? I think it would be nice to say I’ve planned this for your 16th and to spend some time together

I agree with this.

It's not about what OP gave him, it's about the celebratory fuss he didn't receive on his 16th. He believes OP chose a holiday over him and he's hurt.

@flippingkid no matter how many times my child said it would be okay if I went on holiday over their birthday, especially their 16th, I would never do that. Also, the money you spent on the holiday could have given him the birthday fuss he was expecting; paid for him and his friends to go out somewhere etc..

What did his Dad organise for the actual day?

Right this is not too late to save! But it's going to cost you. Book a nice restaurant for him, maybe some of his mates & you plus any siblings (dad too if workable). Big cake with sparklers & balloons, singing happy birthday. If he's footie mad give him the latest football shirt at the table, some fancy aftershave, latest PlayStation game & a big card with actual money in. Make it a belated 16th birthday celebration he'll never forget.

Yes he's being rude, but the child fighting inside him is still sad & angry his big day came & went with no fanfare. Yes he chose to be with his dad, but the boy in him thought this was the right choice when it wasn’t for him.

Don't lose your son over a £50 quibble. Win him back, not by paying him but by showing him he does matter & 16 IS a really big deal.

£100 from both of you isn't much it probably wouldn't even buy him a new pair of trainers. You could have both saved up £10 a month for a year and gave him £240. Did he get any gifts at all or just a cold bank transfer?

Low effort parenting, I think you are being very unreasonable

Just to add, I have already said up thread that I agree YABU for reasons similar to those others have said.

However, was a thread on here very recently where most people said 16 wasn’t a milestone birthday, whilst on here most are saying “it’s a milestone, a very big birthday” etc

Doesn’t change my view re this thread and how it just be viewed by a 16 yo, but did seem very peak MN!

(My person view is that it’s sort of a “semi milestone” like 10 or 13 - viewed by kids as a big deal but not in the league of 18, 21, or 40 and the subsequent 0s)

NTA for sending money on his actual birthday (although you should have sent separately from dad's contribution!) it's fair for dad to have taken the lead if he's there during that time, but it doesn't sound like he did, so no wonder son is upset.

YTA for the fact you hadn't actually sorted anything to celebrate when you got back! If you'd sent that money on the day of, then gone to pick him up when you were back home and brought him back to a few small cheap wrapped bits (fave choc and sweets, nice shower gel, pressies from your hols, maybe voucher for something to do over Easter hols), and a card, and had dinner for you two (or maybe also a friend/girlfriend) all booked for that evening or the next weekend day, that would have made all the difference. "I was also going to take him to dinner" - how does he know that, and where's your follow through?!
FWIW - apologise and sort something like this for now, or one day over Easter hols! Tell him "we're celebrating your birthday on DATE. I realise I let you down with it, and I want to make it up to you. I'm thinking lie in, pancakes for breakfast, a few little presents, then a look out to (activity he enjoys), and I'll book a table for dinner at (his favourite restaurant or somewhere he's wanted to try). I'm sorry I didn't realise how important it was at the time, and I hope this goes towards making it up to you. It won't happen again."

DS informed OP he would be spending the day with his dad.

You had money to spend and chose to spend it on a holiday instead of your son’s birthday, then on top of that you booked the holiday over his birthday. Plus a bank transfer feels a bit emotionless tbh, it could have at least gone in a nice card since you weren’t there for his birthday. I can see why he’s miffed.

£100 just from you maybe would have been fine, but you said it’s from both parents, so you spent £50 on your sons birthday that you weren’t even there for, and closer to £300 on a holiday for yourself?

If you’d done a nice celebration when you were back fair enough, but a bank transfer, mum away on holiday and absolutely nothing else for his birthday? 16 is a big deal to these kids and there was no fanfare at all.

Sorry but I’m on his side here.

I do think YABU if I’m being honest. £100 is not much at all these days, wouldn’t even get him an outfit or a decent pair of trainers! If you could afford a few hundred to go on holiday you could have game him a little more or offered to take him on holiday?

I don’t think he’s being ungrateful either sorry.

Yeah, £100 from both parents, bank transferred to him for his 16th is extremely tight. What an absolutey thoughtless gift. Good on him for calling out that shitty behaviour. At least you got a holiday though, eh?

I think£100 is a reasonable amount. It’s about what I would spend but my dc always got a meal out, always got lots of pressies from grandparents, had balloons and a special cake. I would always get a gift to be unwrapped as well as money. I think he’s disappointed at the lack of effort from both of you and he’s taken it out on you.