AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

If that’s how he wants to spend his money op… it all sounds nice, the swimming lessons do sound like something anyone would want to do, as do the family holidays. But if you don’t like it make sure you’re not financially contributing I guess.

The only question I would have is whether you could host the lunch which would surely be cheaper. And personally I think swimming lessons are a scam, though obviously they don’t - just take them swimming on the holidays instead.

You couid suggest those things but I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere much. Im afraid I think spending on your child and grandchildren is pretty normal otherwise. Sounds like a lovely man.

I can see this from both sides, he wants to support his daughter, you want a better financial situation for yourself.
I would suggest that you separate your finances, both put an equal amount into a joint account to pay for household things and he can use his remaining money to fund his daughter.

None of that sounds extravagant...bar the swimming lessons and her break in Spain the rest include you guys too. Would you go on holiday without her? If so, then the only additional cost is to bring them.

Cafe lunches and swimming aren't a huge expense.

Does he earn well? Presumably he funds this from his income not yours?

It sounds quite normal tbh. It's lovely that he wants to do this for his daughter and grandchildren.

I think you're only option is separate finances if you don't want to contribute.

Sounds lovely to me. He likes doing this - you would prefer to offer her less. Perhaps the trip to Spain could be every other year?

Good idea from @PermanentTemporary - could you have them over for Sunday lunch rather than eating out every week? And you could cut back on the October holiday and look at cheaper options, maybe UK based or every other year rather than every year?

Overall though these all sound like nice things for a dad to do for his DD and DGC.

Just work out how many hours you are working to pay for all this , that’ll be an eye opener . I think the other thing is that they aren’t your biological family so you feel differently about this expenditure.
I think you should prioritise your own finances tbh and if your husband is wants to continue paying for all this ( which could go on years given the children’s ages ) he can do overtime or something .
What happens if you separate, that’s a lot of money you’ve spent that could have been savings .
Personally I’d pay the swimming lessons but stop all the holidays .

How are swimming lessons a scam? My 7 year old can confidently swim at least 50m and has enough water sense and ability to handle himself in the water should he fall in etc. He has school lessons coming up after Easter and a lot of his classmates either can't swim or barely can. The difference being between those who have lessons and those who don't (not the 6 school ones per year). We live by the sea and I think it's irresponsible for children not to be water safe. How are lessons to learn a skill, a scam?

Maybe stop the weekly lunch out. Holidays are a great memory when growing up. Swimming lessons are temporary.

Swimming lessons are not a scam.

Your husband probably gets a lot of pleasure and reward from supporting his daughter and grandchildren.

What is it that you want to buy or do instead?

He knows she wouldn’t have a holiday otherwise. Being a single parent of two is relentless, really no downtime at all. He wants to give her that. It’s a beautiful thing he’s doing.

One of the most ridiculous comments I've seen on Mumsnet - swimming lessons a scam?

He seems to prioritise family bonds: this woman lost her mum and is raising two children alone and you want her dad to stop helping her remaining connected to her parents families. I'd honestly keep your finances seperate and say nothing in this situation

He puts a high priority on his relationship with his daughter and grandchildren which I think is lovely. None of it sounds hugely extravagant and if paid for out of his pocket then shouldn’t be a huge problem.

If you suggested saving for something you wanted to do what would he say? And agree that Sunday lunch at yours might save some money?

Parents spend money on their children however old they are. It’s just what happens.

Not sure you can change this @Loisy

(Without wanting to derail the thread - I paid a breathtaking amount of money for two terms for my son to allegedly learn to swim, which he couldn’t really do at the end of it. I took him swimming every day for a week on holiday and he was doing lengths).

can you suggest the saturday lunch is held at your house occasionally instead?

To be clear, he is wanting them to pay for THREE holidays a year for his daughter. Not one.

I think that's excessive when it's affecting their finances so much as a couple.

I think he sounds lovely. I understand your perspective as well, but it sounds like his daughter has very little support given she lost her mum at a young age and her children's father has all but abandoned them. I would embrace it in your shoes because it sounds like you have joined a lovely, supportive family. FWIW I see swimming lessons as a non-negotiable life skill.

What a lovely Dad is she his only child?

He sounds like a lovely man. Which I'd find very attractive.

Which bit of what you spend would you like to cut down on? Perhaps that could be a starting point?

I cant imagine my dps paying for my holidays!
Its really OTT.

YANBU

Not if they cant afford it, which he can't