AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

Maybe think about what you get from being with DH and the love & joy you presumably get from spending time with the grandchildren and being called "Grandma".

Spending your last penny on your family is what most parents/grandparents want to do & I am sure your DH sees how hard it is for his daughter with two children on her own & gets pleasure from helping her out.

Maybe look at separating your finances or start squirreling away money yourself to fund a summer UK holiday?

I mean it’s a lovely thing to do. But the crux is can they actually afford to keep this up? Sure grandparents like to help out with things for Grandchildren and adult child but it does seem a lot of holidays plus extras when you earn basic salaries. We aren’t talking mumsnet high earners here.

Maybe seperate finances. You need a chat to explain that you would like a holiday just you two. It’s difficult because he loves his family and wants to do the best for them but @Loisy also is his chosen family too.

I have a friend whose parents do things like this but they absolutley can afford it. I’ve never had anything like that, my dad couldn’t afford it.

You sound envious of the time he spends with his daughter and grandchildren.

Separate your finances, so you both put the same amount in an account for household bills, then you both have your own money to spend as you wish.

I suspect you’ll still be unhappy.

He can treat them how he likes as long as he contributes to your family break.

Personally, I think two and three are too young for decent swimming lessons, he’d be better taking them swimming for leisure to get used to the water, then either they’ve learnt to swim naturally or they have lessons when they’re slightly older.

He sounds like a great dad and grandad. She must be heartbroken not having her mum to navigate motherhood , I know I am

The first step I'd make would be cutting out the October holiday, or not going yourself.

Taking Kids to the pool on the weekend is great for a splash about. As a life-long strong swimmer, and as someone who has seen the huge improvement adults and children make through swimming lessons, I can tell you they’re not a scam, in fact they can be lifesavers. Swimming lessons is something grandparents might pay for.

Completely agree, it’s way too much. He’s spoiling her. Do you think he’s feeling guilty about something? I would be livid in your situation. She needs to sort herself out, I would be so embarrassed to be taking money like this.

I’m not surprised most people are saying he can spend his money however he wants because if the genders were reversed they’d be saying it’s family money, for you and him. Just the way it is here!

I think you’re misunderstanding something important here. For you, this is a drain on your household income, for him, this is a way of showing love for his child and grandchildren. The latter is about something essential to life, not additional unnecessary expenses. Do you see what I mean? Do you have anything to compare it to, to help you understand? What feels non negotiable and vital to you? It doesn’t have to be kids - I don’t have them but if someone suggested I spend less money on eg my cats medical bills or good food for them I would think very low about them. That’s this for him. Don’t forget these people are your family too - if you don’t think so, that is a choice you’re making and may have repercussions when you age.

It’s very kind but a bit much as with your job roles I can hazard a guess at your income and it really wont be very much.

How close a track do you have on your household bills? We know to the penny where our money has gone. You need to look at this.

We just taught our children how to swim, I didn’t have lessons but am a decent enough swimmer. Not as fit as I used to be due to a health issue but I could do 30 lengths of the pool at my University when I was younger. Do people not just teach their kids themselves ever?

You don’t mention whether you have joint or personal accounts, and whether you are subsidising the trips and treats too.

I think you need to do some number crunching to see exactly how much this is costing you both and you personally.

And whether you could afford to live alone if it became a big issue.

I agree that it sounds like a lot of treats if it means that you are having to go without as a result.

When you know exactly how much this is every year and how much you are losing out on, you can have a discussion.

You can show love for your family in a million ways, it’s not always about spending money on them.

It is a lot and the regularity of it is what makes it expensive. He is not as a one off paying for her holiday - it’s 3 holidays annually. If you are having to subsidise this it’s selfish. I wish my in laws had thought to do something nice like pay for swimming lessons though. It does show how expensive everything has become though - none of what you describe would have been extravagant 20 years ago.

Sorry but this is part of the trade off when you marry someone who has family from a previous marriage. Did you think that she would become an adult and he would just toss her to the side? YABU. It's lovely the things he is doing for his daughter who has lost her mum so young.

As this is MN, if he hosted Saturday lunch at home , everyone would pipe up "Your DH is asking her/the GC so he shops,cleans,cooks and clears up, it's not your job"
Maybe DH cannot be arsed with this so a cafe meal out is his preference after a week at work?

It is great these children have this male figure in their lives as their Dad is lacking .

I agree with you, it's far too much. He can show love and support without constantly throwing money away in doing so.

I am surprised how many people think lunch in a cafe is cheap. Trying to think about cheap cafes near me and I would estimate for a young child's lunch you are looking at anything between £4.50-£7.50 depending on cafe. Then add in the daughter's lunch along with his and it's likely to be £30-40 every week.
I would not be able to afford this, myself and my husband are in lowish paid jobs and don't do this frequently with our own young children.

The holidays are also too much. I understand him wanting to maintain the Spanish connection, but there is no need for him to then pay for them to all go on holiday with you again and the caravan holiday.
I know plenty of single parents and their parents aren't financing their social lives. One friend does go on a family holiday which is paid for by her parents, but she also does caravan holidays paid for by herself. She works hard and claims benefits to top up her salary. Is the stepdaughter claiming all she is entitled to? You don't really mention housing or what costs she has, other than her ex pays maintenance. If she is on a low income she will be entitled to something.

Even the suggestion from others about keeping finances separate still doesn't work exactly as no doubt if he did have less money this would be subsided by his wife (e.g. buying in food for them both, covering the bills).

Just separate your money
see how generous he is if he’s not got access to your money ( if he has )

I am always giving my only son help
he doesn't ask but I like to help him out with stuff
I’ve paid for him and his partner to come on holiday with us
and I regularly give him cash gifts to do stuff or pay for a big car bill

the differences is it’s my money not my husbands money

we have always kept separate money
so it’s nothing to do with him what I spend my money on

I still have enough money to pay for everything that we do together

Three holidays is quite alot!

I was expecting you to say he was subsidising on a more regular basis, but that doesn’t seem the case.

Do you have fully shared finances, as in, it's also your money being spent?
If you only have one car etc, what did you do before as you've only been together 6 years?
It's nice that he values his family and if it's things he already did previously, the holidays (although the grandchildren were born after you met) then you knew the trips were important to him,
But I can also see how it feels unfair if it's not all his money and he's also spending yours.

I agree, lunch in a cafe isn’t cheap. My Dh and I had a sandwich , drink and a cake each in a cafe on Sunday, and that came to thirty pounds.

I agree the holidays seem a bit excessive. Can you change the October all-inclusive and all of you go on her Spanish one, then you might have some money left to do an air BnB for the two of you somewhere?

Sounds like a lot for 2 people on low incomes in a council house.

Swimming lessons are about £40 a month here x2
Lunch is what another £40 a week
Airbnb and flights for 3 for 5 days must be about £1500
No idea how much a caravan is - £500?
An all inclusive for 3 must be £3k

So what's that- £8k a year on just these bits? How many months take home is that for you?

He sounds generous but this will only get more expensive as the kids get older. You shouldn't be providing her with more than you can spend on yourselves.

It sounds a normal amount for a father to do who can in those circumstances. Obviously many can’t, some won’t, and it’s very kind of him to do it, but it’s not an unusual amount where an adult child has difficult circumstances. Hers being the lack of involvement from the father of her two children (maintenance is rarely very much) and having sadly lost her own mother.

Being a single Mum to two children is hard!

Thag said, is the issue that your finances are too mixed up together bearing in mind the situation. You say “we” do xyz for her” rather than “he” does it. I know you’re married but would it be sensible to have separate finances after joint bills are paid etc so that you have more control over your own cash?

I get you, these things are expensive. But you need to think about the wider picture and where your priorities are. He's not going to charge. And it's really lovely that SDD has this kind of support. Having young DC can be relentless. Look at it this way:

The Spain trip is a way for your SDD to have contact with her mums family. So it would be cruel to cut that.

The Norfolk holiday is similar, it's time spent with the wider family- should SDD & GDC really miss out?

That leaves the October trip ... I think this will naturally change once the DC start school. But you could suggest a short weekend trip instead?

Lunch out, as suggested, try and do it at home... maybe with the weather getting better orgainse a picnic in the park?
That leaves the swimming lessons... again it's a life skill but would naturally come to an end.

I think if money is a problem and you are getting into debt or you can't afford nice things/ a hobby for yourself, you need to speak to him. Do a spreadsheet of all money coming in & going out and let him decide where to cut.

"Cafe lunches and swimming aren't a huge expense." I disagree. Just a cafe lunch every week is likely to be £40, so that's £2k a year. That's a huge amount to most people - I'm on a reasonable salary (not Mumsnet high earner) but think that's a lot.

I agree with maybe cutting out the Oct AI holiday though.

Also cafe lunches could become him cooking for them at your house sometimes , as it will add up. Presumably the point of this is to give her a break from cooking, so him cooking for her would answer this just as well?

To the pp who said swimming lessons are a scam - absolutely not! Swimming is a vital life skill. I could maybe get on board with “you don’t need the lessons if you take them swimming weekly” or “private lessons can be more cost effective in the end that group lessons”, but no way is swimming a couple of times a year on holidays going to be enough.

This is why we are seeing children growing up unable to swim now, when Gen X / millennial kids mostly grew up able to. This idea that it isn’t a priority expense, certainly
above holidays.