AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

Swimming lessons, a scam, how so? I think they are s necessity, personally

She said in her op that she’s a doctors receptionist and he works for the council
doing maintenance

I feel like this is a reverse as it is phrased so that this sounds an entirely reasonable way for her father to spend his money as he would like to, in order to support a DD who has little support otherwise.

So I guess it it isn't a reverse, that's my answer.
If it is a reverse, what are you hiding?

I'm not sure that a Christmas and Easter lunch costs as much as two kids swimming lessons and a weekly lunch out for his daughter and grandkids when her husband pays those expenses all year. Their swimming lessons alone probably cost at least £50 per month for both of them. You really think she spends the best part of close to a grand or more on two family lunches at home each year?

I think paying for one holiday a year is enough for them really. Surely she knew when she got herself pregnant that children cost money and the dad is paying maintenance. I mean it’s lovely he wants to do that but it’ll be expected now for years to come what about your retirement? Can you total it all up and point out the detrimental affect it’s going to have on your retirement time together, it isn’t your responsibility to pay for them he should be using his money only not yours. It’s not like she doesn’t have more earning potential with her degree if she’s a single parent she’ll get 85% off all childcare! The rest of us had to pay through our noses having no money for holidays at all.

While it's lovely, most people can't afford three holidays a year and lunch at a cafe every weekend. For context, we're high earners, but would have to budget to afford this. Mortgage payments have rocketed, cost of living, children older etc. It was doable when the kids were young, but now it's almost impossible.

Your partner needs to be realistic how long he can keep supporting her like this. It's lovely what he's doing for her, but at the kids get older the costs are going to keep rising and I'm guessing his earnings aren't.

This kind of depends on how your family finances work op.

Are they joint or separate? As in are you financing half of all of this?

I think he sounds lovely. I can’t see if you explained how this works financially. After he spends on his family, does he still contribute half to your home life or is this eating into that?

I think resetting a bit to host lunch at yours every other week or something like that would be a great compromise if you’d enjoy that. The kids will get more and more expensive to take out to eat and most children don’t eat out every weekend.

I had a couple years where my grandfather would take me to ballet lessons and then out to lunch after every Saturday. It was just the two of us and I felt really special. So I do think these things are inherently lovely.

Could she afford to start paying some of it? I think your last explanation of just wanting one holiday with just your partner is fair enough but just a little bit of a change would make that work - and personally I think the weekly lunch out is the best thing to think about. The holidays sound budget friendly and lovely and your grandchildren will be benefitting from this so much. Sounds like they don’t have a lot of family around them so it’s wonderful you get to share them.

If he was wealthy I'd think this was lovely, but it's totally unfair to leave you short for this. It is a LOT. For context our parents have paid for one group holiday and subsidised another, twice in 20 years.

Depending on your financial situation I do feel this is a bit much. He’s lovely to do it but is it going beyond what is sensible?

The cost of everything is going up, if you lose your job you’re far less likely to secure a new one the older you get. Unless you have a good pension and saving set aside for an emergency, I think it’s too much.

I think you need to find a realistic financial balance between what is spend on them now, on what else you both need now and what you need for the future.

We both work but I only work 3 days a week.
He earns more than I do, by about double (in take home terms). After tax/NI and the employer pensions we have about £3700 a month between us.

i think he sounds like a lovely dad. The annual trip to Spain could definitely be cut, but I wouldn’t touch the rest, sounds lovely.

YABU. Who are you to muscle in after only 6 years vs 26?? If he’s started spending money like this only after you joined finances, I can understand a little more, but that’s really not the impression you’ve given. Can’t you see that being sniffy about her job is utterly ironic given you’re still a part time receptionist at your age with no kids!

that aside, you can get a 4 night Uk break for around £100-£150 out of school holidays at parkdean/ haven etc. I don’t think you’ve researched enough if you’re sulking like this.

She said she’s a GP receptionist - that’s a paying job, albeit low salary.

This is crazy to me. She's an adult. I couldn't imagine paying all that for another adult.

For me that changes everything. He’s already subsidising you.

I would work full time then spend the extra from that however you like - should easily stretch to a holiday.

The only thing I think is unreasonable is the trip to Spain. Family holidays with both of you are sort of for your benefit too and if you DH wants to spend time with his grandchildren for lunch I think that is lovely.

For context my parents pay for 1 long weekend a year to go away with us (usually centre parcs or similar) and take my children away for another 5 days on their own. They don't pay for any activities but so take my children out in the holidays for days out/lunch etc. This is fairly common setup in my friendship group

If you want extra money in the household wouldn't the obvious thing be for you to work a bit more?

I don't think he is doing too much she is his child they are his grandchildren and he is her only supportive relative. Your children don't stop being your children just because they are over 18.
We support our children and grandchildren in a similar way including paying for holidays , activities, clothes etc
It's just what you do.
Having said that she is not your child and they are not your grandchildren so you shouldn't feel you have to contribute or contribute more to the household expenses to compensate. I assume he is using his own income to help his daughter and not yours?

I think two things can be true - it's nice that he wants to help his daughter, but that helps can affect your own quality of life. It shouldn't all come out of shared household money.

Really neither of you is being unreasonable. It's lovely that he wants to support and spend time with his dd and dgc. It's also understandable that you want to have a holiday for just the two of you. You need to sit down with him, talk it through and come up with a compromise. Maybe cafe lunch every other week, alternating with lunch at home. Maybe paying for the trip to Spain every other year or just paying for the flights and not accommodation. The key thing is you need to talk to him about how you feel, not let resentment fester away.

Wow, does your DH want to adopt me?!

You only work three days a week, you don’t have children to work around or as a reason not to be working more so why don’t you up your hours if you want more money to spend?

If he earns double what you do why shouldn’t he spend some of that on his child and grandchildren?

Whats the housing situation? Do you rent or own?

If you feel like you are always penny-pinching then it seems that the obvious answer is for you to work full-time, surely.