AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

Do you both work FT?

This sounds a very sensible, measured approach!

It’s sweet that he still wants to spend so
much time with his dd.

I do still wonder if knocking the October AI on the head in favour of you two having your own term time break is the answer. No one could have expected it to go on forever. Although, if he’s doing it because he likes it your husband may disagree!

In which case the savings from lunches may help but maybe don’t go the whole way.

As long as he can afford it, while still contributing the equivalent of 50% of your couple's expenses, then I think he sounds like a lovely caring dad, and good on him for keeping such a supportive role to a daughter who sounds like she needs it.

However, if him paying this, means that you need to pay more for your combined bills, mortgage, fuel, food etc. Then I would suggest he needs to scale back.

Similar here. We couldn't get any swimming lessons in my area (sold out) so I took my son swimming 1-2 times a week and he was swimming in no time. He really came on with his swimming when we spent a week abroad.

It seems extravagant to me.

I guess the key question is, does she expect it or accept what's offered?

The all inclusive in the summer must be pretty pricey (outside of Mumsnet world). We have similar jobs to you and have never been able to take our own kids on that kind of holiday.

I think you need to sit down and work out what you get the most out of. If it's time together, it doesn't need to be in an all inclusive resort.

He likes taking the kids for a treat and while they are small it's perhaps not overly expensive (agree it still adds up) but it's only going to get more expensive. I'm sure they'd be equally happy with a picnic in the park, especially as the weather is getting better (and if it involves cake).

You need a bit of breathing room for yourselves too. It also sounds like you are going away around school holiday times but neither are of school age yet??

Well my DGd used to go to them She could swim a decent amount (100 m) and was doing the rescue brick from bottom of pool with her pyjamas on etc.

So perfectly able to take swimming independently rather than coughing up for more years of lessons which the swimming school were suggesting. If fact DD was told that the lessons ran until they finished primary. Dgc was 8 so would've been another 2 -3years For what?

Honestly, if she hosts Christmas and Easter, that probably saves you as much as the swimming lessons/cafe lunches!
YABU.

I think the framing matters here - you say it affects the quality of your life, but how? Do you feel it’s transactional, or that only DH gets the benefit of family? Do you approach this as ‘his daughter’ or ‘our family’? How does DD see you and the wider family?

focusing on the finances, Id sit down with DH and say we are a bit older.. what’s the state of our finances now and how are we prepared for retirement, etc. From that you’ll have a better factual stance to say - we need to increase our retirement pot, holiday fund, sort out the house while we are working, so we need to cap the family budget to £x til we’ve sorted out this and that.

Id also nudge towards framing the previous support paying for holidays was whilst the kids were younger; now as the kids are in primary DD needs to start thinking about balancing more hours or stepping up etc if she wants to retain all the trips, but you can retain the lunch out and swimming.

gosh he sounds so caring and lovely op. none of this is extravagant. And she is a lone parent he is obviously stepping in for her.

OP you mentioned you love the children & they call you Grandma. If you were being perfectly honest would you still feel the way you do regarding the expenditure if your DH daughter & her children were your own. I think its wonderful you treat them as such & I'm sure they love you too. It sounds like you have a very kind & family orintated DH although its understandable you'd like more of your combined income saved for doing more together as a couple. Others have suggested the Saturday gathering could be spent in your home & perhaps a visit to the park first. At least it would be a start until the grandchildren were older & the daughter found a higher earning job which I'm sure she will given her degree etc.

3 holidays a year funded by the parents when you can’t really afford it is ridiculous.

I agree with the idea of separate finances and then he can fund whatever he wants.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. Ignore the posters on here. AIBU never goes the way most logical normal people think.

Yes it’s lovely these things are being done for adult DSD but she is a fully grown adult. If you were both on 6 figure salaries then yeah no problems but you aren’t.

I also think think it’s a cheek to expect you to contribute too. If your dh wants to do this great but it shouldn’t have to come out of your money. Were you consulted about this? Are you just expected to pay? Adult dsd should also refuse the freebies and read the room. She seems quite entitled and unaware. Weekly lunch for 4 people is expensive and don’t let rich MNetters tell you it isn’t. Term time holidays are expensive ditto swimming lessons. With all these regular expensive outgoing you could have saved/could save a deposit for a flat, a new car, lovely holidays for the two of you.

Please speak with your dh as the resentment will build up. You didn’t sign up to find his adult daughter, her salary, plus UC, plus CM means she’s not poor. She has the potential to earn a huge salary but is letting you and your dh fund her instead.

Of course three holidays a year is extravagant. Only on mumsnet would someone claim it isn't. Plenty of people can't afford to go out for lunch every weekend either. And the key issue is, they can't really afford it without making significant cutbacks that are affecting OP's quality of life too.

I’m sure this has probably been said lots but separate your finances. Have a joint account that you pay into for bills but have the rest separate. There’s obviously resentment that your money is being used too (which is fine, I get it) then your oh can spend his money on what he wants and you can with yours. If he can’t do what you do because he hasn’t got enough money then that’s his problem

Could his daughter afford to fund her Spain trip herself maybe? Whilst it's lovely that he treats her and the grandkids it's not really very fair that you can't even afford to treat yourselves whilst spending on her and the kids on a regular basis. I can imagine the kids swimming lessons aren't cheap either considering they both have them-im guessing at least £50 per month if not more. Could your husband maybe suggest that she pays for one of the kids swimming lessons to reduce that regular cost?

could you reduce the cost of the spanish holiday?

i’m spanish and would be surprised if all of her many relatives said no to her and the kids staying in their house.

Honestly OP I think this is what you get when marrying a man who has a child he loves. It's not like he's buying all their weekly shops, or covering their whole rent, or funding her drugs habit or something.

Obviously it's your money too and you have every right to have a say on how it's spent, but I don't think there is an angle of this spending generally not being ok. If it's not ok with you, then it's fine that you express that, but his choices are as valid as yours.

Exactly. I don't think eating out every week is the norm for most families, likewise a holiday abroad for many is a luxury. We haven't taken our children abroad yet (first time this year) as we haven't been able to afford it. Neither of our parents have stepped in at any point to pay towards us going away and I wouldn't expect it either. They generally pay for a meal out for birthdays but not anything that is even as regular as once a week.

It sounds like the focus is all on his daughter and he is forgetting he has a partner. While it's nice he wants to do so much for his daughter and grandchildren, when does he go out for a meal with his wife, or on a holiday that doesn't involve the grandchildren?

You seem to be ignoring any questions about finances. Are you both earning? Is he the only one earning? The answers would be different if we knew. He sounds like a great dad by the way.

Op, could he do all this without using your money, eg. Are you funding all this too?

He sounds like a lovely dad - you picked a good man.

I think it would be fair enough to only subsidise one holiday a year (or none if things are genuinely really tight although seemingly not given it sounds like you have a nice lifestyle).

I think he should continue taking them for lunch and pay for swimming - they’ll remember the lunches with grandad and that’s a pretty standard offer for your beloved grandchildren, and swimming is a life saving skill that mum won’t be able to afford.

Whilst you chose not to have children, he didn’t. He has responsibilities that you married into. I think you need to appreciate that’s not something he can or will just drop. Blood is often thicker than water, I know my children and future grandchildren will/do come before my husband. I know it’s not about that, but I think you need to appreciate the bond and tie he has.

I think it is lovely what your DP is doing but at the end of the day if you don’t want to prioritise this, and are subsidising it, there is a problem. Also, if you are paying for 3 holidays for her but cannot afford to go away as the 2 of you, that is unreasonable.
I would try to discuss with him that you would like an annual holiday just you and him and how will you jointly make that happen? Point out you pay for 3 holidays determined by him, you are asking for one and happy to drop any of the others to make it happen. Fingers crossed he sees this.
Alternatively as stated by others, start to separate your finances so that you are no longer subsiding his daughter. You may not get your joint holiday but you will feel less resentment and will be able to afford a holiday alone or with a friend.
Re the weekly meals out, fine to suggest hosting instead but HE should do that (or her). It should not become your job.

I don't have an answer to your question but just wanted to say he sounds like a lovely Dad/Grandad. The kids are just young once and it sounds like she really appreciates it and lovely that you all get on well. I would try to think of others ways money could be saved, I bet it means the world to her if she is single and has no siblings.

This is spades.

Most MNetters don’t live in the real world, either that or they didn’t read the details of your post re: your jobs and lifestyle. They like minimising other people’s spending.

You can guarantee they wouldn’t allow this situation to happen with their money if they weren’t a high earner.

I think it sounds lovely from his point of view but it would annoy me too that im not personally seeing much benefit from my wages in terms of nice things happening for me.
Time to rethink your relationship id say.
Let him be "lovely " by himself and see how that goes.